The Wife (22 page)

I know Jess won’t be around until later this afternoon, so I’m in no rush to go inside, and am glad to have a few moments to gather my emotions before Jamie pulls up with Frank. After a minute staring blankly at the beautiful Victorian-style building before us, I turn to Lee to see her watching me as if she was afraid I’m on the verge of a breakdown.

“I’m fine.” I give her a tense smile.

“Are you sure?” she asks doubtfully. “Because you don’t look fine.”

“Absolutely.” I take a deep breath to clear away my annoyance.

“Because you looked like you were going to commit mass murder back there. What the hell happened?”

“It was just a picture of Jamie and me. It was super creepy.” I lie.

“I don’t think anything with C.J.—or Jamie, whatever…you know what I mean—I don’t think I would describe anything about you two in that picture as creepy.”

“Well, Steve just lost any chance of us using him, I’ll tell you that. Now I have to start at square one. I was certain he would be a done deal.” I add a little lipstick and pinch my cheeks in the rearview mirror before we go in for lunch, trying to put this all behind me.

“Can’t you just use the other pictures he has? The ones you already liked and wanted to use.”

“I don’t want to ever talk to Steve again. Even if he didn’t know Jamie would be there, he knew I would. Didn’t he think I’d recognize myself?”

Lee shrugs. “I didn’t. I could hardly see your face. It’s actually a great picture.”

“You’re no help.” I get out of the car just as Jamie pulls up next to me.

He lifts up his aviators and rolls down his window. “You good?”

“Peachy.” I smile, which makes him chuckle.

He turns off the car, saying something to Frank, who pops out of the passenger seat. “Let’s put our names in, then go check this place out.”

Frank and Lee are off before I can protest. When Jamie gets out of the car with a mischievous smile, I roll my eyes. “You told him to leave us alone, didn’t you?”

“Yep.”

“Why?” I ask, annoyed.

“Just come with me.” He taps my shoulder, careful to keep his physical distance again, and walks off toward the beach across the street.

I follow behind defiantly. “You don’t even know where you’re going.” I need to jog a little to catch up.

“I’m going to the beach. You know, that sandy place in front of us with a giant body of water.” He grins down at me and points in front of him. “I think I’ll be able to manage getting us there.”

“Why are we going to the beach?” I exaggerate each word.

“I don’t remember you asking so many questions. Are you always this annoying?” he asks jokingly.

I give him the finger; he busts out in a deep, raspy laugh that makes me smile too.

The beach is filled with summer renters who came down to the shore to experience the slow pace of life down here. Luckily, it’s not a weekend when the beach would be packed from end to end. I kick off my red strappy sandals when we reach the sand, still wondering why we are coming out here together. It makes me remember when we spent the summer at my dad’s shore house after our first year in college. Jamie went to the beach day and night. He would come down here to swim, read, run: any reason he could find to set his feet in the sand, he took. The memory makes me smile.

Jamie leads us to a spot up on the hill near the long wavy beach grass and wooden fence that separate the shore homes from the beach. He kicks off his shoes and flops down on the hot sand below, looking more relaxed than I’ve seen him since we reunited. Just seeing him this way lightens my mood from earlier.

I stand there for a moment, watching the small blue waves crash at the feet of two little girls, who run away laughing together, hand in hand. It makes me smile again. Jamie clears his throat, bringing me back to reality. When I stand there looking down at him, he reaches up and grabs my hand, making me almost tumble down on top of him.

“You could’ve just asked me to sit.” I push myself off him and settle in the soft sand below, trying not to act annoyed. “So why are we sitting out here?”

“Because I wanted to talk to you.”

His serious face makes me uncomfortable. I’m not in the mood for a serious talk right now, especially with him. The irritation builds inside me. Just when I thought I could relax around him, he wants a heart-to-heart? One of the reasons I don’t mind hanging out with him is because he doesn’t push me to talk, but here he is, wanting to talk. Ugh.

“We can talk just as easily inside with Frank and Lee.” I start to get up, wanting to do anything I can to try to keep this conversation from getting personal. I can sense that’s the direction he’s about to take with the way he’s looking at me.

He puts his hand on my shoulder, making me sit back down, and gives it a slight squeeze of assurance. “What’s going on with you?” Just when I open my mouth to say
nothing
, he cuts me off. “And don’t say nothing. I may not have seen you in a long time, but I still know you, Lex. What. Is. Wrong?”

I respond with the obvious, and the only reason he needs to know about right now. “I just thought it was very unprofessional of Steve to use that picture as part of his portfolio, and now I have to start this whole process over. I’m just frustrated.” I concede the partial truth.

“Agreed. It was a very uncomfortable, surreal situation.” He says, “But it was an amazing picture. I’m kind of pissed it wasn’t the one he gave me.” As soon as the words escape, he realizes what he’s admitted.

“You had another picture of that moment?” I ask, confused as to why I never saw it.

He looks at me and answers without hesitation, “Yes.”

“And why didn’t you ever show it to me?”

He pauses as if he’s contemplating his answer, and I soon realize why. “I was saving it for our wedding day.” His gaze doesn’t break from mine.

“Oh.” I look away, even more uncomfortable about the picture than before.

I can feel the heat coming from his eyes as he watches me for my reaction, but there’s too much filling up my heart and mind to make sense of any of it. It’s my past, and I need any of these feelings to stay there.

That’s when I remember my promise and reach into my pocket. I take out the Claddagh ring Jamie gave me and held it up to him; it’s the perfect distraction and timing.

“I brought this for you. I had it at my dad’s and wanted you to have it back. It belongs to you, and you should have it. I’m sorry I didn’t give it back to you sooner.” I hold it out for him to take.

But he doesn’t.

He just stares at the small golden symbol of his mother—and our lost love.

“You kept it,” he says in awe. He folds my fingers around the ring and pulls his hand away, smiling. “It’s yours, Lex.”

I shake my head and hold it out to him again. “No, it’s not, and I’m sorry I didn’t send it before. I just didn’t know where to send it. I didn’t know how to find you once you changed your phone number.” The nervous breakdown that Lee had feared minutes ago now threatened to overtake me as the emotions of the past few weeks—years, really—became too much to hide. “I’m sorry.” I shake while I hold the tears at bay; I take his hand and place the ring in it. “I can’t keep it.”

Jamie nods, defeated, and smiles at me with understanding. “I get it. I wouldn’t want to upset Mike either. I know I wouldn’t want my wife holding onto a symbol of another man’s love.”

That’s when the tears explode. Mike never knew about it and would never find out. If he did, he certainly wouldn’t care. I fold my head into my knees, hoping to save what little self-respect I have left. “I’m sorry,” I say in a whisper.

“I’m sorry too, Lex. I am more sorry than you’ll ever know.”

He puts his arm around my shoulder and lets me cry into the sand, not pressing me for more.

I’m relieved that Jamie didn’t push me any further about my tears and was there for me this afternoon. I feel oddly better now that I’ve had a good cry, and am able to relax and enjoy our lunch together. Jamie and Frank are on a tour of the restaurant with Gage, leaving Lee and me to have a snack together while we drink some wine and wait for Jess to get back from running her errands. She’s been all over New Jersey this weekend, preparing for an event this evening for the charity foundation she named in honor of her husband who was killed while trying to save a child and his mother from an intruder.

“How are you holding up? I’m getting worried about you.” Lee reaches out for my hand. “Rita said Mike seems a mess, if that makes anything better.”

“I feel like a failure. I can’t stop wondering what I did to push him so far away. Being here makes it easier to forget that he won’t be there when we get home.” I take a sip of my wine, trying to keep my emotions locked away for now, and look out to the ocean. “Am I an idiot for hoping he’ll realize he’s made a mistake and come back to us?” My voice sounds as empty as my heart.

“It’s not dumb—it’s natural.” Lee grabs my hand again to get my attention back on her. “You can’t blame yourself for any of this, Alexa. You tried to keep your marriage together harder than I’ve ever seen anyone in my life. You gave it your all, but he changed. He changed a long time ago, and made choices that no one should have to live with.”

“I know he’s going to divorce me, Lee. He’s given up on us completely and I just don’t know who I am without him. I’ve been a wife for so long, I don’t know how to be just me.”

“You’re a kick-ass designer and are finally getting the recognition you deserve. You’re finally free to work and realize the dream you put on hold.” I can see the anger in her eyes. “I’ll never forgive Mike for being such a selfish dick.”

“He’s the father of my children. I can’t hate him, but right now, I kind of do,” I admit. “I hate that he made me feel like a fool. Not only for being so blind to his lies, but for believing him when he said he wasn’t cheating on me anymore. I doubt he ever even broke things off.”

Just then Gage comes back to our table with Frank and Jamie, all looking more like movie stars than regular guys. Frank and Jamie take the seats next to us, and Jamie watches me intently, which makes me feel as if he thinks I’m a lunatic. I’m growing more anxious for this day to be over so I can hide away in my room until the boys come home from camp this weekend.

“Alexa, I was just telling the guys that you all have to come to the Goodfellas event tonight. Jess will never let me hear the end of it if you don’t. She said she’s asked you a thousand times, but you keep making excuses.”

I look at Lee, who scowls at me, surely because I never mentioned to her we were invited. She loves Jess, probably because they’re both foul-mouthed. “I…We…” Lee’s scowl turns to a frown. “We’d be happy to.” I fold like a deck of cards.

“Great!” Gage’s excitement makes me smile. “It was great meeting you guys. Go on over to the B and B to grab your keys. We gave you the best rooms we have left. See you tonight.”

They all shake hands and I finish off my wine, wanting to get home and go for a run so I can clear my head of all this craziness. Not only do I not want to go to a party, but I especially don’t want to go with Jamie.

“See you guys tonight then,” I say to Frank and Jamie, who look surprised by my quick exit.

Lee stands too, knowing she’s already won the bigger fight, and Jamie and Frank come quickly behind.

“I’ll be by for a run once I get checked in,” Jamie says to me as if we had already made plans.

I look at him in shock. “I wasn’t going to run today,” I lie.

He just looks at me, knowing I’m being stubborn. “See you in half an hour.”

I throw up my hands. I might as well not expect any alone time today, and I’m sure that’s exactly what Lee has planned. She knows how I can get lost in my thoughts when I’m sad.

When Lee slides in next to me, I stare ahead, steaming with anger as I drive away without a look back at the men. “You’re running with us. I shouldn’t be alone with him.”

“Why in the hell not?”

“He’s my ex. Even though it was a lifetime ago, it’s still not right for us to hang out that way together.”

“You’re crazy. I hate running.” She taps my forehead as if she’s trying to knock sense into me. “Stop being worried about what Mike or anyone else will think! Mike left you. It’s not like you’re going on a date—you’re exercising.” Lee pushes at my shoulder playfully. “You need to relax, Alexa. R-e-l-a-x.” She holds her hands in Namaste position on her knees as if she’s meditating.