The Wife (32 page)

I’
m drowning.

I’m trapped in a whirlpool of regret with no way out.

Getting that phone call yesterday, telling me Lex had been shot, was one of the worst moments of my life—and I’ve had many of them.

When I left Lex standing on her dock the last time we spoke, I knew I should’ve gone back to her. I should have told her that night on her dock that I came back to America for one thing and one thing only—for her. I should’ve told her that now that she was going to be free of Mike and his cheating ways, I’d wait for her forever. I’d wait as long as it takes for her to be ready to trust and love me again. I know Lex and how important marriage is to her. I kept my distance through all these months the best I could, even though I knew her husband was cheating on her and was caught up in shady business dealings with the Paulsons.

Now regret and frustration is all I can feel. The only way I thought I could protect her and keep an eye on her was by working with that selfish asshole, and instead, I wasn’t able to protect her from any of it. Not his lies, his betrayal, and not the danger his actions put her in. If I couldn’t be with Lex, I at least thought I could keep her safe, and I didn’t.

There’s so much I wanted to say to her. So much she needed to know, but now I don’t have a chance to say any of it. Now it may be too late. She may never know that I’ve loved her and only her all these years. I tried to move on like I wanted her to. Like she did. But I couldn’t. I could never shake her from my heart. Maybe I’m just being hopeful and a pathetic romantic, but I dreamed of having a chance with her again and showing her the type of love that she deserved that I had no doubt I’d be able to give her. Just when it was about to be within my reach, everything came crashing down.

When Frank showed up on my doorstep at my apartment in New York City in the middle of the night, I knew it wasn’t going to be good. He explained he had just been woken up to Lee screaming after receiving a phone call that Lex had been shot in the parking lot of her husband’s office.

I didn’t think; I went into action to get to her side.

I booked the first flights out for Lee, Frank, and me and we were back in California by the morning. I had even arranged for Mr. Patterson to fly back with us, and although he was shocked and confused as to how I was the one who provided the speedy return, he was also grateful. He didn’t stop to ask me why or how I was back in Lex’s life, and I didn’t explain. The only thing we cared about was getting to Lex.

When we arrived at the hospital, Mike was in the waiting room with Lex’s friend and a few others. He was in the corner speaking with a police officer, as was everyone else in the room. I wanted to go over to him and beat the ever living shit out of him for what has happened to Lex. Whether he shot the gun or not, this was all his fault, I have no doubt about that. The details of the shooting are all still sketchy. The security cameras in the parking lot had been disabled almost an hour before Mike found Lex folded over her steering wheel with a gunshot to her head. His story was that he had been working late and noticed one of his three cars in the parking lot when he went outside to be picked up by a driver he arranged for because his car was at the shop for routine maintenance.

That’s the part of the story that didn’t make sense to me, and I hoped the detectives felt the same sense of doubt that I did with that load of bullshit. Why would he arrange for a driver when he had two other cars he could have used, tucked away in the garage of his house with Lex? He says he didn’t even know she was back from New Jersey because she sent a text message and said her plane was delayed. So why wouldn’t he have used that car?

The more I watched him and listened to Rita tell her side of the story to Lee and the others, the more I became increasingly confused by what could have happened. There are too many holes.

Mike says he didn’t know she was there, until he saw her unconscious, bloodied body hunched over the steering wheel after nine thirty.

Rita says Lex called her from the airport and asked her to watch the boys. She said Lex was clearly upset and she imagined it had to do with Mike because he filed for divorce while she was away. She said Lex left her house at about eight fifteen at night.

In between those two events is a large hole that needs to be filled in to find who’s responsible. As much as an ass that I think Mike is, I never thought he was the kind of man who would plot his wife’s death. Just looking at him and the true sadness over what’s happened is making me doubt he actually shot the gun. He truly looked distraught and shocked like the rest of us. I’ve known many men like him before. He talks a big game, but is nothing but a terrified little boy inside. His business, his wife, his children, his girlfriends: they were just props in his life to make him feel better about himself. He’s too much of a coward to actually do something like shoot his wife. He wouldn’t risk his freedom that way; he’s too selfish for that. But I wouldn’t put it past his psycho girlfriend.

I learned a lot about Stephanie Murphy when I realized that was who Mike was cheating on Lex with. When I watched the way Mike had her in his arms that day at the coffee shop, and the look of fear on his face when Lex approached the two of them, I wanted to knock him out for lying to Lex and making her out to feel as if she was a fool. Mike was too drunk the first night I saw them together to remember I knew Lex’s initial reaction to seeing them together that way was spot on. While Mike retreated and said little to make either woman feel better, Stephanie looked as though she was getting a reaction she’d hoped for. When Mike made no move to admit what was going on, she played along, but her anger was impossible to miss. That woman’s hard, cold eyes didn’t change when she smiled at Lex, trying to act as though her encounter with Mike was by chance. I could almost hear her plotting a way to have Mike all to herself.

I walked around the corner and away from the chaos in the waiting room. Lex was in surgery and no one would be allowed to see her for several hours afterward.

Everything around me fell away and all I saw was Lex’s face in my thoughts. Her sweet, trusting face—as she fought for her marriage and her family—had a bullet blasted through her car window and shatter her skull, leaving her fighting for her life on an operating table. I keep reminding myself that it could have been much worse. She could be dead right now, but she’s not and there’s still hope.

I’m finally able to be alone with Lex after several days of trying, and sitting here, at her bedside with all these tubes and wires attached to her fragile, helpless body fills me with helplessness and anger. In the few days since the accident, very little has changed, both with the investigation and Lex’s health. They’ve got her in a medically induced coma, giving her brain time to heal. It’s killed me to see Mike at her side, knowing in my heart he’s at least part of the reason she’s here. He can regret doing what he’s done to the mother of his children all he wants, but I’ll be damned if he’s left alone with her. Luckily, Lex’s dad listened to my concerns and made a motion for control over all her medical decisions. Because Mike had been the greedy ass he is, and filed for divorce already, and there was an ongoing investigation to catch the people responsible, Mr. Patterson was given conservatorship over Lex.

Mike has been apologizing relentlessly for his infidelities that have been exposed to everyone and swears innocence of being involved in her shooting in any way. I know Mr. Patterson is only doing what he thinks is right by still allowing Mike to visit Lex and spend time with their boys, but I’m wary of him being anywhere near them. Not until the truth comes out, at least.

I take Lex’s lifeless hand in mine and stroke it, telling her stories about our time in camp, times I know she still cherished, secretly hoping these would be the words that would bring her back to me. Then I decide to tell her something I had hoped would show her how much I’ve always loved her, even though I know she can’t hear me.

“Remember when you asked me what happened with the picture Steve gave me from the night I gave you my mom’s ring and promised to marry you one day?” I let my tears for her fall freely, not wanting to hold anything from her ever again. “I had it hidden away for the first couple of years I was back in Ireland. I was too messed up over losing my dad to look at it, because looking at it reminded me how much I loved you, and I didn’t want to love you anymore. I didn’t want to love anyone anymore.” I choke back the tears and clear my throat, putting my head on her hands. I hold them close, as if they’re keeping me from sinking in my misery and regret. “Then, one day when I’d decided to move out of the apartment I had shared with my dad above the pub, I saw the picture again.” I took a deep breath and kissed her cold, frail hands. “All I could think about was how beautiful you were. The way you looked at me with that ring held in our hands between us made me realize that loving you was the thing that made me feel alive again. When my mom died, a part of me did too. But you were able to reignite my darkened soul just by being near you. When my dad died, I thought loving you would destroy me, because I imagined you’d be taken from me too.

“It was then, staring at that picture again that made me realize how wrong I had been. You’re more important to me than air. You are the only thing that can bring me back to life.” When the words cross my lips, I realize how true they are.

She’s. My. World.

I continue, making a promise to myself that I will say all of this again when she’s awake. “That day, I took the picture and put it in the entrance of Hidden Moon at my mother’s home in Ireland, and titled it
One Love, Everlasting
. I also vowed to never stop trying to find you.” The anguish I’m feeling is almost unbearable with this confession, knowing it may never come to fruition. “Don’t leave me, Lex. Fight for me. Fight for your boys.”

I don’t know why I have the nerve to think that she will do anything for me after all I’ve done. My regret suffocates me; all of my mistakes are what has gotten us here, not Mike’s.

I turn over her wrist and place a kiss on her wrist. “I’ll wait for you forever.”