The Wife (33 page)

I’
m finally able to leave the hospital and the feeling is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. After a month of hospital food and sponge baths, the thought of being in my home, with my boys, is almost more happiness than I can handle.

So much has changed.

Waking up in a hospital bed was one of the most confusing and horrifying experiences of my life. I didn’t remember being shot. I didn’t even remember going to Mike’s office that night. A memory that keeps playing over and over in my head is of a dream I had of Jamie asking me to fight for him. It was that thought that pulled me from my deep sleep. I knew all the loss he’s suffered in his life, and although I knew my dream that kept replaying in my mind of him telling me how much he loved me and how much he still loves me was just a result of my subconscious giving me something to fight for, I feel a shift in my heart, not wanting to waste another moment of my life wondering what-if.

I guess that’s what happens when you face death and win. You realize just how precious life is. When I felt trapped in my own body, unable to speak or move while the medication worked to bring me from my slumbered state, I promised myself I would use every moment of the rest of my life to cherish those I love. Starting with my boys.

When I was finally able to open my eyes and I felt a comforting hand wrapped around mine, I instinctively thought it was Jamie, but it wasn’t. It was Mike. At that point, I had no idea what was going on or that Mike could have possibly played a part in what happened, but my disappointment was instant. His hand on mine repulsed me and I wasn’t sure why. My mind was still too foggy to make sense of what was happening.

“Why am I here?” I had asked him, pulling my hand out of his and blinking frantically, trying to make sense of my surroundings. “Am I in a hospital?” I noticed my father coming up behind Mike, and placed a hand on his shoulder, excusing him.

“Why don’t you go let the doc know she’s awake and talking.” My dad didn’t ask Mike; he told him.

My dad was quickly at my side. “It’s going to be alright, honey.” With tears in his eyes, he bent over to kiss my head. It was then that I realized it was wrapped in bandages.

Worry and confusion overwhelmed me. “What happened? Are the boys alright?” The last thing I remember is flying home from New Jersey. Did our plane crash? How could I have survived something like a plane crash? Panic took over and I heard machines connected to me begin to beep and alarms go off.

My dad looked around frantically. “It’s alright, honey. The boys are fine. They’re home, praying for you to come back to them. Just relax and we’ll tell you everything. You just need to stay calm.”

Nurses and a doctor came into the room, pushing buttons on the machines to make the alarms go off and immediately swarmed me. They asked me questions and checked my pulse in record speed. My anxiety and confusion made me overcome with emotion and tears helplessly escaped my eyes. My throat felt as if it were lined with razors when I tried to speak again.

“Daddy.” I reached for him.

“I’m here, baby. I won’t leave your side.” His words were the only comfort until I felt a liquid surge through my veins, making my body calm and relax instantly.

It was another few days before anyone told me what really happened, although all of the details are still a mystery, including who tried to kill me. As much as I’ve tried to remember what happened that night—anything to give a clue to help find the person who destroyed the ability for me to see out of my left eye and left the side of my face mangled from being blown halfway off—I have no memory of it.

I allowed Mike to visit me the day before I was going to be released, feeling well enough to hear his side of things. As many lies as he’s told me and as much as he’s hurt me, I still needed to hear his side. I needed to believe the father of my children wouldn’t try to erase me from this earth. I believed, if for no other reason than selfishness, he wouldn’t have done that: if I was gone, he would have no one to take care of the boys he saw as prizes rather than responsibility.

When he walked through the door and saw me, he fell to his feet in tears. “I’m so sorry, Alexa.”

I began to cry too, thinking back to all of his lies that I was forced to be reminded of while the investigation is going on. I remember realizing his affair with Dr. Murphy for apparently the second time. I remember the lies and manipulation he used on me, making me feel as if I was going crazy, to hide his secrets. Both of them told me I needed to work on my jealousy in our therapy sessions. They made me feel like my marriage was disintegrating because of what I was doing.

Now he’s at my bedside and the way he’s looking at me makes it hard to forget the years of happiness we had together and wonder where it all really went wrong. “What happened to us?” I asked helplessly.

Mike took my hand in his. “I can’t live with myself if my mistakes cause me to lose you. I realize now, I don’t want to lose you. I love you, Alexa.” Mike’s gravelly voice tears at my heart. I can hear his pain in each syllable.

Reality set in, and reminded me of why I was here, and his words reminded me of a time he told me the same thing, proving it to be a lie later. I wasn’t sure he even realized that his actions played a part in the reason I’m lying here.

I take my hand back and look Mike square in the eyes. “You are the father of my children, the man I would’ve given my life for. If you have anything to do with what’s happened to me, then tell me. At least be man enough to do that. But know this…” My eyes narrow on him. “I will never love you again.”

Mike looked defeated, and I couldn’t blame him. Not only has he lost his family, he’s being investigated for putting me here and stands to lose everything else. I can’t help but feel sorry for him. I loved him for so long; a love like that doesn’t just disappear. And as much as I want to know who’s responsible for what happened to me, I still hold on to hope that it’s not him, and I’m choosing to believe that until I’m proved wrong.

I walk into my house with my dad and Lee at my side. Liam and Colin charge around the corner, with Rita following close behind. I don’t hold back my tears when I take my boys in my arms, ignoring my dad and Lee’s pleas for us to take it easy. I’m never taking it easy again. I’m cherishing every second of my life from now on, and not worrying about the pain in my head from their cheers. I’m choosing to relish in the joy of being able to stand here with them in my arms to experience the pain their cheers are bringing, making me remember I’m alive.

I turn and look around my enormous entryway and think that the first thing I want to do is downsize. This house has always been too much for us. Maybe we can move back to New Jersey. I quickly stop the thoughts and remember to take one day at a time.

Instead, I refocus on my surroundings and see that there are flowers and balloons in every direction as we make our way through the house. The boys excitedly lead me to the back patio, my favorite place to sit and relax.

“Boys, why don’t you come and help me grab some drinks for everyone and let your mom get settled in?” Rita ushers the boys away, allowing me to regain my strength from the excitement. I’m so grateful to Rita and her husband for taking care of the boys and turning their lives upside down so that they could have the security of staying in their own home while I was in the hospital. Mike had agreed to supervised visitation with the boys while he was being investigated as a way to show his cooperation in the process, and I’m at least thankful for that. My dad has had to take care of so much when I wasn’t able to; I don’t know how I’ll ever repay him.

“How you holding up?” he asks as Lee props my feet up on the lounge chair they had ready for me.

I smile over at him and grab his hand. “I’m good.” I look to Lee and take her hand in mine, pulling her down to sit with me. “I’m so grateful for the two of you. I want you to know that. I couldn’t do any of this without you.”