The Wife (14 page)

O
nly one more month to go before the groundbreaking on the two properties where the Rising Moon will be built, and I still haven’t picked out the artwork for either location. I love the name that Jamie chose for the restaurants and want to find the perfect details to accomplish the feeling he’s trying to give his customers through my design. I know I want outdoor rustic scenes in black-and-white photographs, but I’m interested in finding a new, up-and-coming photographer rather than someone already established. Jamie’s restaurants are world-renowned, and the idea of giving a talented young artist an opportunity of a lifetime is something exciting. I was ecstatic when Jamie and Frank gave me the green light to have control over finding the artist, although I’m sure the fact that I’m intimately familiar with Jamie’s likes and dislikes when it comes to art probably has something to do with their confidence in me.

It still surprises me that Jamie is the person behind the C.J. Fox Company. It’s incredible to think that the small family pub his father and mother had run was the catalyst for the successful restaurants he’s sprouted up all over the world. I sometimes wonder if he still paints, or if he gave up that dream when his father died, and instead fulfilled his parents’ dream rather than his own. I’m sure those holes will be filled in over time as we become more comfortable around each other. In the times when Jamie is in town to talk over the details of my job, and not back overseeing his restaurants on the East Coast and in Dublin, we’ve been able to realize again what good friends we used to be. Although our past is never brought up, and is often the elephant in the room, it’s our history that also connects us in a way that has actually been good for business. He trusts me; he knows my style and believes in my ability to integrate California culture into his rustic Irish style with class and sophistication. I’ve been proud of myself for not letting the betrayal I felt from him for so long chip its way back to the surface and am learning to appreciate him for the person he’s become.

Over the past few weeks, as I’ve worked more closely with Frank, Tommy, and Jamie, I’ve learned that he named his company after his father, Charles, and Fox was his mother’s maiden name. Everyone he works with calls him C.J., but he told me right away I can call him Jamie, realizing after our night out to dinner that it made me uncomfortable to call him C.J. Although it might make it easier to think of him as this stranger by calling him C.J., it almost makes me angry to do so. I can’t quite figure out why other than that it pisses me off to think that he changed his entire life when he left and went back to Ireland; he changed everything that I thought he was, including his name.

Today Mike would be joining me for a meeting with the entire crew from C.J. Fox Company, and it was going to be one of the first times Mike and Jamie are in the same room with me. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it makes me nervous. I have done everything possible to hide the discourse in my marriage from all of them. I know Frank has known something was up from our first meeting, and I’m sure Lee has let some things slip now that she’s been spending more time with him. But Jamie knows nothing. He doesn’t know that after my weekend away with Mike that things not only went back to how they were before we left, but have gotten worse in some ways.

Even though Mike moved back into my room and comes home every night at a decent hour, he seems more unhappy than ever. He’s on his phone constantly and if it wasn’t for all of the curse words and scowls he makes when I catch him around the corner, I’d think he was talking to some woman he’s cheating on me with. When we’re in public, he’s kind and courteous to me, always one to put on a show of perfection to others. But when we’re home alone together, it’s almost as if I don’t exist, and I can’t decide what was worse. Was it worse when he was having an affair and pretended to be head over heels in love with me to cover his tracks, or was it worse being ignored altogether? I’m in a constant state of paranoia, trying my best not to ruffle feathers with bothering him with my insecurities. Dr. Murphy reminds me each week that I either need to accept our relationship for how it is and let him work through the stress of his life, the life that provides our family a comfortable living, or to leave him and make a life for myself and my kids, sacrificing the luxuries Mike’s busy career has afforded us.

The thing is, I don’t care about the “luxuries.” Sure, it’s nice not having to worry about money, but I’ve never felt as though I fit in with the Orange County lifestyle and have never been sure I even wanted to. Over the years, I’ve always kept a polite friendship with my children’s friends’ parents, but never joined them on their tennis dates or luncheons while the kids are at school. Interior design was always my escape from the reality of life in Southern California. My friendships with Lee and Rita also help to keep me grounded, and it was probably one of the many reasons I love them so much.

I park my car and check my messages before going in for a workout before my meeting later. I texted Mike earlier to see whether he wanted to meet me at home and drive to the meeting together, but he still hasn’t responded. Just as my mind begins to fill with questions about what he’s doing or who he is with, I remind myself that I can’t let my worries take over. I need to trust Mike if we are going to make it through this difficult part of our relationship.

I close my eyes and picture my sweet boys before I hop out of the car, repeating to myself that I have to think happy to feel happy. Christ, if Lee actually knew I used the advice she gave me for my daily affirmations, I’d never hear the end of it.

Just the thought of her bragging brings me out of my doubtful self-pity. I open the door to my gym to look for Lee and Rita, who always take the Tuesday morning class with me. It’s my favorite time of the week because it’s the one time that we all go out for coffee and gossip together. It’s a rarity for the three of us to be together anymore with all of the hectic schedules of our lives.

“Hi, Alexa.” My coach Ashlee jogs up to me with her adorable smile and rock-hard body. I instinctively pull at the oversized t-shirt I’m wearing with my exercise pants. “I’m so sorry, the electricity is out and all classes are postponed. Some idiot ran into an electrical pole or something.” She flips her ponytail and rolls her eyes. “Lee and Rita told me to let you know they’ve headed home.”

I smile, trying to hide my disappointment at missing some buddy time with my friends and immediately think of calling them and asking them to meet me for coffee after I get a run in. There’s no way I can skip my workout after the stress I’ve been under. I walk to my car and shoot a quick text to the girls, hoping I’d also have a message from Mike, but nothing. I decide to take the trail by my gym so I don’t have to drive anywhere. It’s one of my favorite places to run because it overlooks the beautiful mountains that lie on the outskirts of our suburban town.

“Great minds think alike.” Jamie startles me when he seems to appear out of nowhere and begins to stretch casually next to me.

“Jesus, Jamie, you scared the hell out of me!” I pull my earbuds out of my ears.

He laughs and pats my back. “Sorry, Lex. I saw you here and thought we could run together. I do better with someone to push me.” He smiles innocently and it takes me back to a time long ago.

“I’m sure my pace is too slow for you. Go on ahead.” Having him next to me while I’m trying to clear my head would be like walking into a bakery and not getting a cookie—impossible.

He eyes me curiously. “I think you overestimate me, lass.” He tugs at my boxy NYU t-shirt. “Come on, I’ve always liked when you chase me.”

His flirtation irritates me. “I’ve never chased you,” I spit out, before realizing how true those words are. Jamie pursued me from day one. I was always too insecure to admit my feelings first, and when he left, I let him go. When he didn’t call me or come back, my pride kept me from going after him.

No, I’ve never chased him, and for the first time I wonder whether he needed me to back then. His family life was crumbling and I was too prideful to show him that I loved him enough not to let him push me away. He could have been shutting everything off. I know that emotion far too well.

“No, you didn’t.” He smiles as he raises his eyebrows at me.

“Oh, whatever, Jamie. Let’s go then.” I try to end this conversation as quick as possible.

I take off, trying to keep my regular pace, and blast my playlist, letting him know that there will be no conversation during the run. Running used to be something we did together when we moved away to college. We both used exercise to blow off steam; our mutual love of the outdoors made us feel connected to nature with our daily runs in Central Park when we lived in the bustling city. This path is making it impossible not to think of those times as we jog through the wooded surroundings, and instead of those memories making me feel sad, like they used to, a flutter of happiness follows the memory now that I have Jamie back in my life. He’s here in a much different way, but I’m beginning to realize how much I missed his companionship. It makes me wonder whether we ever could truly be friends, or whether there’s too much in our past to allow something like that to happen. For now, I’m going to let myself be happy that I won’t have that pit in my stomach when I think of him, wondering whether he was alright.

The more time that passes, the more natural and comfortable the run becomes. It’s somewhat comforting to have someone with me down the rural path that can freak me out when it’s empty, and I’m able to pretend he isn’t here next to me because he’s staying a few steps behind me. I let my music and adrenaline sweep away my doubts about my life, and increase my pace each time my mind wavered away from the beat of the music that drives my body forward.

It’s far too soon when we’re back at our starting point, reminding me what a great running partner Jamie really is. It only took a few minutes to get over the fact that Jamie was with me; then I was able to settle into my run better than ever. I look down at my watch to see I’ve even beaten my usual pace.
I may have to make him run with me all the time now
, I thought to myself jokingly.

My good mood is instantly tarnished when a text from Mike comes through.

Mike: I may be a little late this afternoon. I’m stuck in a meeting in LA. Knock their socks off.

He leaves no explanation, no clarification as to why he’s gone to a meeting in Los Angeles when he was supposed to be in his office all day. I hate that my first thoughts are wondering whether he’s with another woman. Will this doubt ever go away? Will I always live in fear of who he’s with and what he’s doing?

“Wanna grab a juice?” Jamie interrupts the emotional abyss that I’m trying to bury away.

“Huh?” I say absentmindedly.

“What is it called here, Jamba Juice?” He looks over to the strip mall where our cars are parked. “Want to grab one? I have to eat something before our meeting.”

“Just us?” I immediately feel silly when he rolls his eyes at me.

“Well, there’ll be other people around, so I’m sure you won’t have to worry that I’ll abduct you or something.” He takes my arm and pulls me forward. “Come on, we haven’t had a second to talk about anything but work. I want to get to know you again.”

I notice the sadness he hides behind his smile. Being alone with him is something I’ve both dreaded and wished for. I have so many questions for him, but at the same time, I’m not sure why I want the answers to them. Nothing he could say to me would change where we are now.

I try to casually slide my arm from his and check my phone again to hide the fact that his touch is still something that affects me in ways I would rather not acknowledge. “That sounds great.”

I take a seat in the sitting area by the window of the shop, wanting to make this as innocent as possible. It
is
innocent. We’re having juice smoothies, for God’s sake, not having drinks in a bar, I remind myself. My conscience eats away at me every time I’m with him, even though Jamie and I have never acted anything but professional and friendly with each other. I guess I just don’t want to be a hypocrite. If Mike were in the same situation as me, I don’t think I’d be as confident as Mike is. It would bother me to see Mike spending personal time with an ex-girlfriend. Do I think that way because of the things Mike’s done to me, or is that a normal reaction? I don’t know anymore.

I remind myself I’ve never given Mike the slightest reason to ever doubt me, and he’s never worried about me with other men because of that. I have men who are my friends and have had lunch, even drinks with them, and Mike encourages it. I also remind myself that Mike doesn’t worry about my spending time with Jamie because he thinks Jamie’s out of my league now that he’s a successful restaurateur.