The Wife (13 page)

When I met Lee in my junior year in an art history class, I automatically assumed she was into interior design just like me. Lee had the most fabulous, long, wavy blonde hair that was the opposite of my mousy brown, frizzy locks, and legs that went on for miles that were always tanned to perfection. She wore all the current styles and was a master at talking politics to anyone she came across. She intimidated me at first, but immediately broke down that wall with her witty comments and magnetic personality. When she was around, I was happy, and at that time when we met, things in my life were anything but happy. Instead of daydreaming of Jamie and whether he was ever coming back to me during class, Lee reminded me what life was all about. She reminded me that in order to be happy, you have to think happy. Once she knew how my boyfriend, the man who promised me that I was his one love, forever, left me and never talked to me again, she made it her mission to make sure that she gave me plenty to think happy about.

Every class that year, Lee would describe the perfect location and design plan to house each painting or artist we learned about in class, and as much as she always made me laugh, she was also always spot on. It wasn’t until our first night out together in Riker Island celebrating the end of the semester, getting drunk on Long Island Iced Teas, that she admitted she was actually an engineering major, and art and interior design were only hobbies. Stress relievers, she called it. That solidified it for me. Lee was my best friend. Any woman who looked like she did, and had a heart and brain like hers, was not someone I was ever going to let go of.

I picked up a watering can, and sprinkled the basil and rosemary because they looked a little dry, and went over to my favorite chair that overlooked Rocco’s Diner. I always made up stories to go along with the people I watched come in and out of the all-night restaurant, and most nights there were plenty of characters to choose from. Everyone came through those doors, from college kids up late night partying to businessmen coming for a bite after a long night at the office to the only place open this time of night—or was it morning?

I haven’t even had a chance to take in the scene before me and create fanciful stories when my thoughts are robbed and sucked into the tunnel of despair that always came when I think of Jamie. “With or Without You” by U2 boomed from a car below, and took me back to the night at camp when I gave myself to Jamie. The night he promised me that he’d be with me forever. The night he said he wanted to marry me.

“Are you going to tell me what’s in the box yet?” I asked Jamie, after eating my fifth chocolate-covered strawberry.

I couldn’t believe he set all of this up for us while I was working at the lake. Jamie said he had something special planned for us that night, but I never imagined he would have pulled off something as sophisticated and romantic as this. Once the sun began to go down, white twinkling lights illuminated around the tree and along the branches of the tree above where we sat. Music softly played in the background, coming from the barn across the field, seemingly making the fireflies dance across the long grass that waved in the field. We were alone out here, I had no doubt, but I wasn’t scared or nervous, not with Jamie at my side.

“Is that all you’ve been thinking about tonight?” He pulled me up between his legs, letting my back rest on his chest as we looked up to the starry sky.

I giggled nervously as I felt his growing excitement behind me. “It’s not all I’ve been thinking about,” I teased, leaning back and kissing his scruffy chin.

Instead of using my comment as a green light to make me his, he wrapped me protectively in his arms, as if he was worried I would disappear. We both had that feeling sometimes with each other, because we’ve both experienced deep loss before. I still wondered at times when this bubble of happiness around us was going to pop. I didn’t know how I got so lucky to have a guy like Jamie as mine. He was the most handsome and loving man I had ever met, and it was clear that everyone at camp also felt the same, and I wondered when he’d realize I’m not as special as he thinks I am.

Just then, our favorite song, “With or Without You” by U2, began to play through the night sky.

“Can I ask you something, Lex,” he asked in a whisper.

“You can ask me anything,” I said honestly.

“Why do you love me?” The insecurity and doubt in his voice surprised me.

I took his hands in mine and laced my fingers through each finger. I lifted up his hand and flipped it over, like he’s done to me so many times before, and placed little kisses on his wrist, trailing them up his arm to the bend in his elbow. Hearing the hitch in his voice when I hit the sensitive spot sent me soaring with excitement.

“I love you because you are the most honest and loving man I’ve ever met.” I turned around and wrapped my legs up to his waist so that we were face to face and he had no place to look but at me and see the sincerity in my eyes. “I love you because you make me laugh, and let me be a silly dork without judging me. I love you because you are simply the most kind, sexy man I have ever known.”

He smiled and kissed me in a way that he never had before. His breaths were slow, as if he was savoring each sweep of our tongues across each other. He pulled back, placing both hands on my cheeks, and pressed his head against mine. “Sometimes I wonder how someone like you could actually love me.”

Was he reading my mind?

He continued with a pained voice, “Sometimes I get scared that I’m going to wake up one morning and this was all a dream.” He placed a lingering kiss on my lips again, letting me feel the soft stubble on his face. He looked at me again, his sparkling green eyes looking into my soul. “You’ve got my heart and soul, Lex. It’s all I’ve got, so be careful with it.” He kissed me softly again. “I just want to be worthy of someone like you. I don’t have much more to offer you other than myself.”

“I don’t want anything but you, Jamie,” I said, nervous at what he was getting at.

He stood up and took me in his arms, walking me over to the field so that we stood between the barn and the dimly lit willow tree. I wasn’t sure why he moved us when I thought he was about to make love to me and let me give him the most special part of me.

He pressed his head against mine and held our hands up between us. “You’re my everything. You’re my light in the darkness. You filled the hole that was left in my heart when my mom died. When I went back to Ireland without you, and we spent last year apart, it was torture. Every night, I’d look up at the moon and know we were looking at the same thing. It made you not seem so far away. It was then that I realized that there will never be another person in my life who can do to me what you can. You’ve taken my heart, and I never want it back. I want to be with you for the rest of my life.” He brushed my hair from my face and kissed my nose, and then reached for the box he had slipped in his pocket without me realizing and held it up to me with a mischievous smile. “I promise that I will love you forever. Nothing will ever change that. You have touched me in a way that no one else has or ever will.”

He opened the box, revealing a special golden ring that I knew well. It was his mother’s Claddagh ring that his father gave her on their wedding day. I gasped and covered my mouth with my hands. “Jamie, I can’t,” I whispered through my tears, knowing how true his words must be for him to part with this special memory of his mom.

He took the heirloom out of the box and held it up to me. “I know we’re young, and I know everyone will think we are crazy, but I don’t care. I know I want to marry you. I know my life will never be whole if you’re not in it. This is my promise to you that I will marry you one day. It’s my promise that I will love you forever. It’s my promise to never give up on us.”

“God damn you, Jamie,” I called into the wind as I sat crying on the rooftop of my apartment.

I rarely let myself think about him anymore, and anytime his face comes into my thoughts, I do everything I can to push it away. I hate that a piece of me wishes he’d come back to me. As much as I tell myself I’d never go back to him, and as happy as I am with Mike, I know deep down that if he asked for me back, I’d go. He was the one who had stolen my heart, and he never gave it back. The little piece he left behind was growing day by day with Mike’s love and nurturing, but it was still only a fragment of what it once was.

I close my eyes and make a promise that if Jamie ever came back for me, I would ignore my heart.

“Is that you, Alexa? What the hell are you doing up here?” Lee’s voice booms from the other end of the rooftop.

I wiped the tears away, already a professional at pushing down my pathetic feelings of abandonment. “I couldn’t sleep and decided to water your withering plants,” I said playfully, hoping to distract from my swollen, tear-filled eyes.

“Sounded to me like you were cursing out your deadbeat ex-boyfriend,” she answered jokingly. My instinct was to defend Jamie. I didn’t want anyone to think badly of him, even after all he did to me.

“It’s been a rough night, Lee. Cut me some slack.” I held open my blanket for her to slide under in the chair next to me. “Mike had to leave the house today. No more Sigma Chi for him.” I had to get the topic off my past and focused on my future.

Lee put her head on my shoulder. “Fraternity boys are assholes anyway. Besides, he didn’t do any of those things and is taking the fall for all the other guys. You’ve gotta give him some credit for that.”

Lee loved Mike and it was another sign for me that he was the right man for me. I can’t doubt him. I can’t let my past with Jamie affect completely opening up my feelings for Mike anymore. Mike is my future; Jamie is my past.

“He’s going to live with me for the rest of the semester. That means no late-night girl nights for us in my apartment for a while.”

“All I’ll have to do is put on
The Last of the Mohicans
, and he’ll find an excuse to go hang with the boys.” She kissed my cheek. “I don’t know why you keep hanging with these silly boys and don’t just run away with me?”

“If only you were a good kisser, I’d consider it,” I said jokingly.

“I’m an amazing kisser, just not with my best friends.” She finally noticed my eyes swollen from my tears. “How about we get inside and I’ll make us some cereal before bed?”

“Sounds perfect.” I glanced up at the moon and wondered whether Jamie ever thought of me.