The Wife (20 page)

I
t was my wedding day, and I sat in a pile of clothes, wishing my mom was here to give me the advice I so desperately needed. There have been times in my life where I wished my mom was with me—graduation from high school and college, when I went shopping for my wedding dress—but today was a day that her absence was so devastating that it made it hard to breathe.

I couldn’t sleep last night. So many doubts and questions took over my thoughts; I wished my mom could tell me everything was going to be alright. I needed her to tell me that second thoughts before a wedding are normal. I’m too afraid to admit to anyone the doubts I’m having; those were things that a daughter can only confide in her mom with—at least that’s how I’m feeling right now. I’m so confused because I have no doubt I love Mike. I love him more than I’ve loved anyone since Jamie—but I also love him in a much different way. All I could think about last night as I tossed and turned in my childhood bed was wondering whether I’m settling. I’ve convinced myself that I’d never love anyone the way I loved Jamie because he was my first love—but now all I could wonder is whether I just settled for the first person who was able to make me love again.

The part that’s almost as frustrating as my mom’s absence is that none of these doubts were things I worried much about before last night. Sure, throughout my relationship, especially when Mike was dismissed from his fraternity, I had hesitations about him. It frustrated and confused me when he didn’t fight for his innocence. I appreciated his desire to protect his friends and take responsibility, but I didn’t understand why he would have chosen that direction if he were completely innocent. The one thing that’s always helped me through doubts was that Mike loved me for all of my good and bad. I never doubted that I could trust him with my heart.

I wasn’t sure why, but as I sat there in a pile of doubt, something made me reach under my bed and take out a box I haven’t looked at for years. It was a small, silver box that Jamie had kept his mother’s Claddagh ring in, and now I kept my last few mementos of Jamie locked away in it. I ran my fingers across the cool silver designs, wondering why I’ve kept this after Jamie cut me out of his life, but when I lifted the lid to see his mother’s ring in the deep green velvet, I knew why.

His mother’s ring.

Tears finally released from my eyes when I took the ring in my fingers. I wasn’t crying for Jamie; I was crying for his mom. Like my mom, she would never get the chance to see him get married or have kids of his own. I looked at the inscription on the inside of the golden ring—
One love, everlasting
. It was Jamie’s addition to the ring to make it ours. I suddenly felt guilty for having kept a ring like that, when it should go to the person who he actually married. I didn’t deserve that ring anymore.

I didn’t wonder why Jamie never took it back until now. Perhaps because his exit from my life was so abrupt and final, it wasn’t worth it to him to contact me to get it back. Perhaps he left it with me because he had it personalized—maybe he simply forgot, or maybe he just didn’t care. Whatever his reasons, I made a promise as I looked at that ring that if I ever saw him again, I’d give it back.

I lifted up one of the folded pieces of crumpled white-lined paper that Jamie had written letters to me on. I carefully opened the distressed paper and ran my fingers over the words, not focusing too closely on what was written. Those words mean nothing to me anymore; it’s the picture I had hidden inside that I wanted to see. I looked at the small white paper that had a beautiful portrait of my mom painted on it—and the tears fell harder. The picture was the one thing I saved from a bracelet Jamie had given me the night before he learned his dad was dying. Jamie had taken a picture of my mom I kept on my nightstand, and was able to capture her simple beauty perfectly in this whimsical profile portrait of her looking off into the distance with a soft, comforting smile. She truly looked like an angel and it was just what I needed to see as I sat there in confusion and doubt about my wedding.

A smile reached my lips when I held the small painting in my hand; it was small enough to keep in the antique locket of my mom’s that Dad had saved for me. Peace and calm instantly came over me, as if my mom were giving me a giant hug of reassurance from Heaven. Surely Jamie would’ve had no idea what this picture meant to me on this day when he gave it to me as a way to keep all the things I loved most close. But the last remnant of a gift that to me was filled with lies was now the one thing I needed to help me realize there was a reason Jamie was in my life at all—to bring me my mom when I needed her most.

I wiped the tears from my face, smiling a little to myself as I kissed the picture of my mom, and set it on my nightstand next to my locket. I picked up Jamie’s letters once more and closed my eyes, allowing myself to picture his face one last time. “Thank you,” I whispered to Jamie. But my words wouldn’t ever reach his ears. Now I tore up his love-filled letters. I didn’t need them anymore and I needed to let go of that chapter of my life. I tossed the shredded pieces of paper into the trash, feeling lighter with each decision I’ve made, and closed the silver box, leaving only the ring in case I ever had a chance to keep my promise.

As I stood arm in arm with my dad outside of the grand church doors, I felt more harmony about my life than I ever thought possible after the past twenty-four hours I spent panicking. I adjusted the lace and crystal gown that hugged my waist in a flattering way, pooling out into a wave of white and silver jewels that encircled my feet. I touched the locket around my necklace and took one last peek at my mom’s face. I know it was just hope changing my perceptions, but I swear her smile was brighter and bigger than before.

She was with me.

When the doors opened and Canon in C began to play, I saw Mike at the end of the aisle, smiling at me with no doubt on his handsome face. It was then that all of my hesitation washed away and I knew he was going to be my forever. My eyes never left his when I walked down the rose-scattered aisle, pulled toward him like a magnetic force. Everyone else fell away when my dad handed me over to Mike and we said our vows. The way he gently stroked my hand as we listened to the priest soothed my soul, making me think of all the other times in our lives together ahead where his touch will be the comforting thing I will need to bring me peace. Mike made me feel loved. He made me feel safe. I wanted to be that for him and vowed to spend every day from that point on making sure he does. I’ve let go of the piece of heart that Jamie still held, only keeping what belongs to Mike. He deserves my whole heart, even if there was a piece missing.

Finally, having a moment to ourselves before the reception, Mike took me aside and led me hand in hand around the corner to a private hallway. We were both laughing the entire way; we had several hundred people waiting to celebrate with us, but we didn’t care. Once we turned the corner, he flipped me around and had me pinned up against the wall.

“God, you’re beautiful.” He kissed me passionately, as if it was our first. He pulled back, breathless, and traced his fingertips across my cheeks with an adoring smile. “You’re so flushed. I love when I do that to you. I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives making you this way.”

I took his face in my hands now. “My forever.” I kissed him with all my heart, hoping to show him that all my hesitation was gone.

“That’s what the honeymoon’s for, you sluts,” Lee joked as she popped her head around the corner, uncomfortably close, ignoring all rules of personal space.

Mike held my lips to his, watching Lee out of the corner of his eye in defiance to Lee, making me laugh through our kiss.

Lee’s hand inched between our lips. “I have no boundaries. You know this,” she said seriously. “Mrs. Wedding Planner From Hell will have my ass if I don’t bring you guys to the reception N.O.W.!”

Mike smiled at me, and then turned to Lee. “Give us just one more minute. I promise we’ll be right there.” He kissed Lee’s cheek and she folded like a deck of cards at the way he was looking at me.

“Two minutes,” she called behind her as she made her way back to the reception.

Mike’s lustful behavior was gone. His face turned serious when he reached for my hands and brought them to his lips, placing a soft kiss on the knuckles. “Alexa, you’ve made me happier than I ever thought possible today. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. Never.” He looked into my eyes again with ardor. “I got you something.” He seemed uncharacteristically nervous when he pulled a small red velvet bag from his pocket. I looked down at it in wonder. He pulled on the tiny drawstrings and reached in the little bag, pulling out a silver chain that was attached to a diamond heart necklace. “This is my heart. It’s yours now and forever. I want you to look at this necklace any time you doubt our relationship, or any time I piss you off.” He laughed and tapped my nose. “I want you to look at it and remember us together, here today, promising to love each other forever. In good times and bad. Because I have no doubt that I’m going to fuck this all up somehow, and I want this to be the thing you look at to remember that there will never be anyone but you.”

He placed the beautiful necklace on my neck, removing the picture of my mom, and slipped it into the little red bag. A part of me hesitated to let it replace my mom, but I also found it in some ways very symbolic considering the picture inside was from Jamie. I smiled up at him broadly, wishing this feeling would last forever.

“I love you.” I kissed him again.

“Let’s get back to everyone so we can be announced as husband and wife.” Mike smiled brightly at me. “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of calling you my wife.”

“I’ll never get sick of hearing you call me your wife,” I said, completely unaware of the lie I was telling.