The Wife (19 page)

As amazing as Mike’s always been when it comes to vacations, his behavior this past week has been hard for me to deal with. It’s the first time he hasn’t tried to make the little time we have together special, and I feel something unrepairable is about to happen between us. I know Mike’s frustrated with being away from work for so long, and is anxious to get back to California, but none of us deserve the way he’s been acting. Lee has seen more in these few days than in all the years I’ve known her, and it’s only because she loves me and doesn’t want to upset me that she hasn’t murdered Mike yet.

I overheard Mike talking on the phone with someone about a past client who says Mike owes him money, and I know this is the kind of thing that constantly stresses him out, but I don’t know why he’s having to deal with this kind of thing on our vacation and not one of his many assistants who are in charge of billing anyway. He’s been on the phone night and day with a seemingly endless barrage of problems going on, and unwilling to defer any of it to the others.

Luckily, Lee’s been fiercely protecting my secret from my dad and has done everything she can to help buffer me from questions I can see about to burst from my dad, who clearly realizes something is going on between Mike and me.

“Mike seems stressed,” my dad says blankly as he watches my husband pace back and forth on the back deck.

“He’s always this way lately, Mr. Patterson,” Lee chimes in, breaking Girl Code as she sips on her mimosa.

My dad raises an eyebrow toward me and looks at me as only a father can. “Everything alright?”

I’ve never met a man who can say so much with so few words. I can see the doubt and concern written all over his face. It’s the look I’ve been avoiding for so long. It’s crazy how one look can make me feel like such a failure and fill me with so much shame.

“You know how things get sometimes. He’s just having a hard time at work. We’ll get through it.” I get up from my seat and walk over to the window, flashing Lee a glare that lets her know this conversation needs to end. I look out the bay window onto the still lagoon running past the back of his house, doing my best to act as though everything is fine as Mike paces past me just out of reach, but seeming so much farther away.

I hear Lee talk to my dad about the Giants, starting a debate about why she thinks the San Francisco 49ers are a better football team, and I’m relieved. The one thing that can get my dad riled up more than anything is to harp on his Giants. It makes me smile when I hear my dad’s belly laugh and makes me think of a time when it was all I wanted to hear. I was so happy when he was finally able to buy this little beach cottage and start his bakery thanks to the help of his friend, Mr. Dade. Dad’s been happier than ever at a time that I’ve hit my bottom, and it’s one of the few things that bring me happiness other than my boys.

Being home again has given me perspective on my life that I don’t think I had before. I watch as a boat trolls by, making the calm waters buffet against the docks like Mike’s actions have disturbed the predictable comfort our marriage used to bring me. I look over at Mike and know I still love him. Even after all that has happened, I love him. He brought me back into the light once Jamie left. He loved me in a way that I needed for so long. He gave me two amazing boys who I would trade my life for. The past few days, all I can wonder is whether my holding on to this marriage as tightly as I have been has only been draining the life out of it more than Mike’s cheating has.

I’ve come to accept that I’m Mike’s wife on paper and nothing more. As each day passes, I realize that although Mike made the first cut in the marriage, my inability to move forward is what’s shredding away any possibility of repair. Mike stopped going to marriage counseling because he was getting beat up daily and there was nothing he could say that was able to break down my wall of hurt and insecurity. When he stopped going to therapy, I should have realized it was his way of saying he’s done trying. It’s been on me this whole time and I can’t take the weight of it any longer. A revelation comes over me, and it instantly makes it easier to breathe.

I’m done being the wife.

I have to find my joy in just being the mom and make my own way. I close my eyes and take a deep breath at the thoughts that follow.

I’m going to ask him for a separation. He’ll have to be the one to take the step to file for divorce, because I can’t do that. Not yet anyway. I’m in no rush to move on, but I can’t live this way anymore. The self-loathing and self-pity is paralyzing me. I’ve been the strong, secure one of all my friends for all my life, and trying to put up an aura of perfection is something I’ve realized I can’t do anymore.

I’m not perfect. Not even close.

Neither is my husband.

None of us are.

Staying with Mike for the kids’ sake is only hurting them more. I see that now. I see it in the way they defend me to their dad or ask him to join us, knowing he’s going to say no. I see the disappointment they get in their eyes when their dad snaps at me or ignores us. I realize now their disappointment is also at me for not sticking up for myself.

I feel a hand on one of my shoulders and realize I’m crying; another hand from the other side of me reaches over and wipes a stray tear away. “You’re a good girl, Alexa. You’ve made your mother proud. You need to do what makes you happy, and that bastard doesn’t anymore. That’s okay, baby…it happens.” My dad’s words completely destroy me. These are the times I wish I had my mom here to talk to me, to guide me in the ways of the world. To tell me I’m doing the right thing. But today, his words are perfect. They are the freeing words of acceptance that only he can give me.

I look between Lee and my dad, who are flanking me with good intentions, and laugh. They are the two most scatter-brained, smart people I know, who have no clue about relationships. Hell, Lee’s most serious relationship has been with her hairdresser, and my dad hasn’t been in love since Mom died what seems like a lifetime ago.

Looking at him and the sadness that still lingers behind his eyes makes me wonder whether I’ll end up like my dad. He lost the love of his life and never found anyone who he thought compared to Mom, so he never remarried. As much as I wanted my dad to find someone to share his life with, all I can think now is what he and Mom had was true love. He’s always said he’d never experience a love like he had with her again, and didn’t see the point in trying. He loved cooking, he loved fishing, he loved playing cards, he loved me and my boys, and he loved my mom. He didn’t think he needed anything else. He felt as if he already had it all.

Just then, Mike walks in from the patio, looking at all of us curiously. “Everything alright?” He looks truly concerned seeing us stand mournfully together this way. I don’t think he even realizes how much he’s completely alienated me this week and everyone sees what we think we’ve been hiding.

“Come help me check on the bakery, Little Lee. I’ll let you have a piece of pie,” my dad says as casually as he can, giving Mike and me some much-needed time alone.

We both watch as they leave, not saying a word to each other until the door is closed.

“We need to talk,” we both say at the same time.

“You first.” I smile nervously, feeling overwhelmed with what I’m about to say. The anxiety builds in me so much, it makes me feel dizzy.

“I’m sorry, Alexa, but I have to get back to California. I knew two weeks was pushing it and I should have been honest with myself in the first place, but you pressured—”

“You haven’t really been here at all, have you, Mike? So please, don’t blame me. At least give me that much respect.” I try to maintain some dignity as the tears fill my eyes, knowing what I’m about to say.

“Christ, Alexa. I don’t know how to make you happy anymore. I’m here. I came all the way back to this godforsaken place for you, and all you can do is give me shit for doing my job. Shit is hitting the fan at home and all you care about is getting attention twenty-four-seven! You’re so fucking selfish and self-centered. I’m sick of this. I’m sick of getting shit nonstop because of the things I do to take care of our family.”

I take deep breaths as he makes me out to be the inconsiderate bitch I’ve feared I’ve become. Even if what he’s saying is true, and part of it probably is, it’s clear that we are no longer in a place where we can make each other happy. “I love you, Mike. I’ve done everything I can to keep us together for the boys, but nothing is working. I know it’s my fault for being so up in your business and questioning every move, but you have to take responsibility that you’re the one who caused me to be this way. You’re the one who cheated—”

“Are you ever going to let that go? Fuck, Alexa!” He slams the table and I see the tears building in his eyes now too. “I swear to you,” he comes up to me and takes my shoulders in his hands to turn me toward him, “I swear, I haven’t done anything since I told you everything. It’s all been work—that’s all it’s been.”

“Then quit. I’m asking you to make a choice: your job or me and the boys.” I stand tall, waiting for his response even though I know what his choice will be.

He looks at me in total shock. “Choose? How can you expect me to choose? We’ll have nothing if I sell the company.”

“We’ll have the money you get when you sell. We can sell the house and downsize. I have a few more jobs lined up after I finish the C.J. Fox job, and we can use that until you find something less stressful. Something that’s better for us, for our family.” I can’t hide the desperation in my voice while I still hold on to the hope that he’ll choose us.

“We’re too in debt to drop everything now, Alexa. If you paid attention to anything but your daily workouts and manicures, you’d have realized that. That’s why I’ve been working so hard and am never home. I’ve taken on everything and anything I can to get us out of this hole. And all you do is bitch.”

“What hole?” I ask, completely shocked by his admission of our financial problems. He can pretend I don’t take an active part in our family as much as he wants. There is plenty of money in our bank account. I’m always sure to pay our bills and credit cards on time. With the way Mike’s been spending money on his clients, I wouldn’t’ve suspected a thing was wrong with our finances.

He walks over to the wooden stool at the island and puts his head in his hands in defeat. “I’ve told you all along there’s a lot going on. Too much to even begin telling you about. I just need a little more time, and I’ll get us back where we were. I just need more time.” The desperation in his voice is heartbreaking.

I say the words that have been hiding below the surface for the both of us this past year of hell. “I think we should separate. When this all blows over, we can reevaluate our relationship, but I can’t be treated this way anymore, and clearly you can’t handle the way I’m treating you.” I cry as soon as the words pass over my lips; I wish I could take them back.
Is this really happening?

“I think that’s a good idea,” he says without hesitation, reaching out for my hand. “I love you, Alexa. I always have and always will. We just aren’t good together anymore.” He kisses my knuckles and releases my hand. “One day maybe we will be again, but for now, I agree that we need to see if we are better on our own.”

My heart is crushed, and my soul oddly feels free at the same time. I don’t try to hide the tears of disappointment and failure that erupt from me. I’ve held on to this marriage for so long, I don’t know how I’ll function without him.

“When are you going back to California?” I ask through my tears.

“As soon as I can get packed.” He reaches over and pulls me into his arms, and I let him. “I’ll find a place to live while you’re here. You stay in the house until we decide what to do. You deserve that house. I’ll come back here when the boys return from camp and we can take them back home together. I think we should wait until we’re back in California to tell them, though.”

I can’t think straight and agree to everything he’s just said. The best thing I can do right now is not blow up at him and list the ways he’s hurt me. The one thing I know is I want us to remain friends and kind to each other for the boys. They deserve not to be put in the middle of any of this the way they have been already.

“I can’t believe this is actually happening,” I finally say aloud in shock.

“I never wanted this for us; you have to believe this. I really thought you were my forever.” He tries to console me.

“Maybe I still am, and this is just a way to make us realize it.”

“Maybe.” But doubt is written all over his face.