The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (16 page)

John was blessed with a beautiful wife who loved him dearly, and he owned an extremely successful business. The growth and success of his business allowed him to hire and place both of his children in top positions in his company. But John had a terrible secret. Despite his wife’s love, loyalty, and beauty, he had a mistress. Because of the financial burden of trying to take care of his family and the needs of his mistress, he took money illegally from his company and placed his children’s careers in jeopardy. In the end, because of his mistress, his loving, faithful wife of so many years divorced him. His children—brokenhearted and shocked that their father had so little integrity—disowned him. His secret relationship with his mistress led to the destruction of everything he cared about.

Y
OUR
P
URPOSE
I
S
B
IGGER THAN
Y
OUR
P
ROBLEM

The best motivator I know to help people deal with secret places and win secret battles is this:
your purpose is bigger than your problem.
No matter which secret places you have visited or what secret
struggles threaten to overwhelm you, you still have an awesome purpose and destiny. Regardless of your problem, God still loves you, still has a great plan for your life, and stands ready to help you and heal you.

I fully believe the best thing you can ever do for yourself and for your relationships, whether they are personal and intimate, professional, or social, is to expose your secret places and win your secret battles in wise, healthy ways. I want to remind you of a man I mentioned in
chapter 3
, a great and mighty warrior, a powerful poet and king: David. David’s accolades and accomplishments were many. His psalms stir the hearts of faith-filled men and women to this day. But his sin was heinous. If anyone ever had a secret, David did, and it was not long before everyone around him knew it too.

To summarize the situation, let me simply say David was in the wrong place at the wrong time. One spring night, when the Bible says kings were supposed to be at war (2 Sam. 11:1), David instead stays in his palace, goes up to the roof, and catches sight of his beautiful neighbor, Bathsheba, bathing. He lusts, he acts on his lust, and she becomes pregnant.

In an attempt to hide his sexual sin, David calls Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah, home from the battlefield, hoping he will sleep with her and people will think her child belongs to her husband. But Uriah is an honorable soldier and refuses to sleep with his wife that night because doing so is not right while his fellow soldiers are fighting an intense battle. Knowing he will soon be discovered because Uriah does not cooperate with his scheme, David sends Uriah to the front lines of the conflict, where he will certainly be killed. He does indeed become a casualty of war.

One of the great truths about David is not that he never had a problem or a struggle. Obviously, he did. A great truth is that he was humble and courageous enough to take responsibility for his
sin, confess it to God, and admit it others. In Psalm 51, David’s anguish and feelings of guilt are evident; his words are raw and intense. He deals with his secrets honestly and openly, admitting his wrongdoing, asking God to cleanse him completely, begging for a “clean heart,” and beseeching God to allow him to continue in His presence, not to leave him or to take His Holy Spirit from him.

Once David deals with his secrets, he never fully escapes the consequences of them, but God does begin to turn his life around in certain ways. His life is not perfect; he does not get to do all the things he wants to accomplish for God or for the nation of Israel, but he goes on to live long and to complete an effective reign over God’s people. Despite his sins, David’s purpose was bigger than his problem. He had a tremendous call of God on his life—one he would not have fulfilled had he not acknowledged his sin, repented sincerely, received God’s forgiveness, and been willing to move forward.

If there is a secret in your life, I urge you to believe that your purpose, too, is bigger than your problem. I pray you will realize in the most powerful ways how deeply and thoroughly God loves you and how much He wants to bring you out of every dark place you have been in and set you on a path of greatness. I trust that knowing God’s love and believing He has great things in store for you will give you the courage to confront the secrets that have worked against you until now.

Different kinds of secrets must be dealt with in different ways. If you have a secret, do not think it won’t hurt you or the relationships important to you. Understand that the secret is a part of who you are and that it works for your destruction in ways you may not realize. Take a step today to deal with that hidden shame, that addiction, that embarrassing physical or mental illness, those emotional patterns that are so destructive, that memory of something
someone else did to you, or that past action you so deeply regret. Find people who are trustworthy (including clergy, physicians, or mental health professionals if necessary) and begin to shine a light on that dark place in your soul. I know the thought of sharing a secret may be frightening, but when you have found someone with whom you can safely share, take the risk. Doing so may save your marriage, your family, or your job. And it will definitely be a big step toward a brighter future for yourself and toward healthy relationships with others.

D
ON
’
T
H
ESITATE TO
P
UT
S
OME
P
EOPLE ON
T
RIAL

At the beginning of this chapter, I noted that allowing a defendant to testify during legal proceedings is generally
not
a good idea, because the members of the jury expect that person to tell the story in a way that tries to prove he or she is innocent. Thankfully, many of us never have to take the stand in a courtroom, and we do not typically put other people on trial in a formal kind of way. Nevertheless, we would be wise to question and investigate the individuals with whom we consider entering into relationships more thoroughly than we often do. I say this because we can easily discover people’s obvious characteristics. Are they outgoing and talkative or shy and reserved? What are their interests and activities? What are their favorite foods and colors? Early in relationships, we feel free to continue interacting with people as long as we do not see any blatant warning signs or causes for concern. Most of the time, it is not the obvious issues in people that cause the most trouble in relationships; it’s the hidden things.

Some of the most profound hurts in my life have come from
people I failed to investigate thoroughly enough—people who had secrets. Just before writing this book, I entered into a relationship with a certain person thinking I really knew him. On the surface he appeared to care for me, my family, and my dreams. What I did not see was that at the core of his life festered secret jealousy and bitterness. As far as I could tell, he was rooting for me, but I did not know that behind the scenes he was undermining much of what I was trying to build. His secret was so well hidden, and I was so mistakenly convinced he was on my team, that someone else had to tell me what he was doing before I realized the truth. While the reality of the truth was extremely disappointing and hurtful, I had to admit to myself that I had not investigated this individual thoroughly enough and should not have entered into the relationship.

Many other people have stories similar to mine. While I think most people would really like to be able to trust others, a lot of us have lived long enough to understand that trust must be earned. Let me encourage you not to hesitate to put some people on trial before moving to a deeper level of relationship. Go ahead and ask personal questions. Initiate discussions about attitudes or behaviors that concern you. At the appropriate time and in an appropriate way, which only you can know, do not be afraid to ask people what their secrets are.

People with serious secrets may not be forthcoming with answers, but take notice of the way they handle the question. Does it seem to make them nervous? Does their body language change? Do they immediately switch to another topic of conversation? Do they laugh at you or become defensive? These types of responses may indicate that something negative or potentially damaging lurks beneath the surface and needs to be investigated more fully.

People who do not have anything to cover up or be ashamed
of do not usually give the impression of trying to hide something. When you suspect a secret, trust your instincts. You may be wrong; but you may be right. If you are correct, you will save yourself tremendous potential heartache or damage later on. If you uncover a secret, you can help a person deal with it constructively. Or, you may realize an issue is so severe that you must exit the relationship for your own good.

Though we do need to make some effort to find out whether the people we are in relationships with have things hidden under the visible level of their lives, we are limited in our ability to unearth other people’s secrets. We do, however, have complete control over our own lives and the way we handle things we choose to do. We can create and keep our personal secrets, or we can live openly and transparently with our trusted friends and colleagues. We can set ourselves up for disappointment and harm, which may impact people we care about, or we can position ourselves for great relationships by being honest about our temptations and failings instead of trying to excuse them or hide them.

RELATIONSHIP REMINDERS

• Some individuals harbor deep secrets that affect every area of their lives, their personalities, and their relationships.

• Uncovering people’s secrets usually takes time, energy, and sensitivity, but doing so is worth the effort because secrets can cause great pain in relationships.

• Secrets form an enormous barrier to intimacy and are extremely destructive forces in relationships.

• When people risk going to places they should not go, trouble is at hand.

• Whatever you won’t deal with will ultimately deal with you.

• Your purpose is bigger than your problem. Keep believing God has something great for you and that dealing with your problem is a necessary step toward it.

• Don’t be reluctant or hesitant to investigate people thoroughly before developing relationships with them.

RAISING YOUR RELATIONAL IQ

1. What is your secret?

2. How has your secret negatively affected your personal life and your relationships?

3. Are any of your current relationships in jeopardy because of your secret? If so, explain the problem and elaborate on why your secret is destroying the relationship.

4. Can you safely share your secret with one or two trustworthy people? Who are they? Do not hesitate to seek professional help if you need to do so.

5. Take a look at 1 John 1:7, 9. How do these verses encourage and strengthen you on a personal level when you think about sharing your secret?

6. Have you properly assessed the people in your life to know if they have secrets? If not, describe an appropriate situation in which you might take the first step.

8

The Most Valuable People Aren’t Always the Most Visible

THE LAW OF TRUE VALUE

I ALMOST BLEW IT!
BIG-TIME
.

I married a beautiful, smart, gracious, God-loving, family-centered woman, but before I asked her to be my wife, I have to be honest: I almost messed up everything! Ty was my friend long before I fell in love with her. While we were both single, we spent time together and we enjoyed a good, healthy, platonic relationship. She was a constant source of prayer, support, encouragement, and friendship for me. She even listened to my dating woes and endured my ramblings about the kind of wife I thought I wanted. I appreciated her, respected her, and regarded her as a great friend—while I kept looking for a wife who met superficial criteria I now know to be totally unimportant!

The longer Ty and I remained friends, the more I began to realize she was exactly the person God had for me. She had every quality I needed, but I had spent so much time searching for something
else that I completely overlooked the values and gifts that make her who she is. Now I thank God every day for saving me from the personal disaster that would have resulted had I not married Ty. I do not think I would be half the person I am without her. Her faith, encouragement, prayer, and support have been vital to my life and purpose.

Unquestionably, my wife is the most valuable person in my life, but there was a time when I completely overlooked her. I learned then what I want to share with you in this chapter—that the most valuable people in our lives are not always the most visible ones
.
We do not always recognize how important certain people are, especially if they prefer not to be in the spotlight but choose to love and support us in unseen ways.

The most valuable people in our lives are not always the most visible ones.

THE WILLIAMSPORT WONDER

Even people who do not keep up with Little League baseball or often watch sports turned their attention to Williamsport, Pennsylvania, and tuned in to the 2012 Little League World Series. It was a contest full of great stories, including the one about an inspiring team from Uganda—the first ever from Africa—who won the hearts of players and spectators everywhere and took home the sportsmanship award.

These ball games truly are a
world
series. Unlike the major-league event that happens every fall in the United States and only involves American teams, the Little League games draw teams
from across the globe. The heavy favorite in 2012 was the team from Japan; no one familiar with the series really expected anyone else to win. So the question became, who would win the US title?

The winning team came from Goodlettsville, Tennessee, a little-known, hardworking, historic town just north of Nashville. They had only had an official Little League team for two years. Their manager is a firefighter who built a pitching mound in the backyard of his firehouse and whose father serves as his assistant coach. They were not expected to win it all, but with great attitudes, terrific sportsmanship, courage, and refusal to quit when they were down by ten runs at one point—not to mention some out-of-the-park grand slams and stellar pitching—the team won a hard-fought battle for the US title game 24-16 over Petaluma, California. Sports writers dubbed it “the Williamsport Wonder.”