The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (14 page)

When you sacrifice for a relationship by investing your internal and external resources in it, you communicate that it means so much to you that you are willing to give up other things so you can have it. You send the message that the relationship is worth “paying” for. In the early stages of a relationship, you may sacrifice and invest because you see genuine potential in it. Later on, as you begin to realize the value of the relationship and the person in it with you, you become more and more willing to surrender other things because the benefits of the relationship are worth more to you than those things could ever be.

In a romantic sense, when two people fall in love and eventually agree to marry, the woman typically receives an engagement
ring. If a man were to say, “I’ve got twenty dollars in my pocket. Let’s go get you a ring,” a woman would know immediately that she is not worth much to him. On the other hand, when a man scrimps and saves, skips nights out with his friends, eats nothing but beans for two months, or moves in with his mother for a while so he can buy his fiancée a beautiful, high-quality ring, she knows he has been willing to sacrifice to buy her a stunning symbol of his love. He has proven her value to him.

Sacrifices, of course, go far beyond the realm of finances and purchases. For example, there may be times when a man gives up an afternoon of golf or basketball to go to the mall with his wife because she’s looking for something very special and wants his input. Or there may be times when a woman gives up a weekend away with her friends to help her husband care for an ailing parent. In the workplace, a CEO may get up early and stay up late for weeks in order to develop a strategy to save a failing business and to keep employees paid. A minister or church members may give up time with their own families to help and support those who are bereaved or in crisis. No matter what the sacrifice is—and sacrifice means many different things to different people—when people are willing to do it, you can be sure they value that for which they surrender other things.

Early in our marriage, my wife and I had desires and plans, as most young couples do. We lived in south Florida and expected to stay there for quite some time. My wife, Ty, had worked hard to fulfill her dream of earning her doctorate and had gone through the competitive process of looking for a job, finally being awarded a teaching position at a local university. Just as she looked forward to a promising career in academia, and as we settled into a recently purchased house, I sensed God’s call for us to move to Birmingham, Alabama, to work with a ministry there.

My wife was amazing! She never said, “But what about all these years I spent getting my doctorate?” She didn’t ask, “How could you do this, with college-level teaching jobs so hard to get—and
I just got one
?” She didn’t complain. She did not second-guess God. She simply said, “I’m in. I believe this is what God has for you, and I’m with you 100 percent.”

She made a massive sacrifice, and it did not go unnoticed. I was humbled and awestruck because I recognized it as proof of her love for me, of her love for God, and of how deeply she valued our marriage.

Vertical and Horizontal

Another incredible but often overlooked principle revealed in 1 John 3:16 is that a person’s willingness to sacrifice for others says something about his or her relationship with God. This verse points out that investing in relationships with others and being willing to sacrifice for other people proves that we desire a deeper relationship with Him. This is because, as Christians, our vertical relationship (relationship with God) and our horizontal relationships (relationships with other people) are intricately connected. Just take a look at what Jesus had to say about this point.

When a teacher of the law asked Jesus what was the most important commandment of all, He replied:

The most important one . . . is this: “Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” The second is this: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” There is no commandment greater than these. (Mark 12:29–31)

Jesus also said,

If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: that he lay down his life for his friends. (John 15:10–13)

In an exchange with the apostle Peter, Jesus clearly connected love for Him with serving others:

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?”

“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”

Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me?”

He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”

The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?”

He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.” (John 21:15–17)

Mark 10:17–22 provides great insight into Jesus’ thoughts on human relationships as indicators of the health of a person’s relationship with God. In this story, a very wealthy and influential young man asks Jesus, “What must I do to inherit eternal life?”

Jesus responds, “You know the commandments: ‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, you shall not defraud, honor your father and mother’ ” (v. 19).

Baffled, the young man basically says, “I’ve been doing those things all my life. There’s got to be something more.”

Then Jesus gives him a powerful directive. Scripture says, “Jesus looked at him and loved him. ‘One thing you lack,’ he said. ‘Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me’ ” (v. 21).

As it turned out, the young man could not bring himself to part with his belongings and bless needy people, and according to Mark 10:22, he “went away sad.”

If we take this passage seriously, we see that people really cannot follow Jesus without reaching out to others. The rich young man seemed to have his vertical relationship in place; he had done everything right according to the law. But what was required of him horizontally was to sacrifice everything he had (which was considerable) to benefit others. Only then, said Jesus, could the young man follow and develop a growing relationship with Him.

The same is true for us. We cannot separate our love for God from our love for other people. This principle is clear in His Word: if we want a strong and vibrant relationship with
Him
, we must also have healthy, biblical relationships with
them
(John 13:15; 1 John 4:7).

When you really understand the inseparable connection between loving God and loving people, you can better handle the challenge of dealing with others. Investing in relationships and sacrificing for people can be extremely difficult. People can have a way of finding your very last nerve and getting on it all day long. They can do with great finesse the
one thing
that makes you want to scream. They can be tremendously frustrating and deeply disappointing.
But if you recognize that you are loving God through loving them, if you understand that your love for them springs from your love for Him, then you can do it regardless of their actions.

What I am suggesting here can be difficult to do without a strong relationship with God. Colossians 3:23 says, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.” This means everything you do is for God, not for other people. It really does not matter who is involved on a human level, because you are acting on a spiritual level. It means you are not doing what you do for your boss, your spouse, your parents, your children, your coworkers, or your friends. It is all for God; it is all an expression of your love for Him. It’s not about the “public” around you; it’s about your private walk with God.

This applies to every relationship you have—personal and professional. You love the people around you not because they are always lovable but because you are head over heels in love with God. The way people treat you is not the point. The point is that you are accountable to God for the way you act. The proof of your commitment to Him is displayed in your willingness to sacrifice, your willingness to lay down what you want to do and lovingly care for others.

T
HE
T
HIRD
R
EALITY OF
S
ACRIFICE
: S
ACRIFICE
K
EEPS
R
ELATIONSHIPS
G
OING

Have you ever noticed that some people seem to have really good relationships? They have strong, intimate marriages; they have close, long-term friendships; and they have worked at the same company for years, enjoying the respect of others and making many positive contributions to their workplace.

How does this happen?

The answer is easy: maintaining successful relationships over a period of time requires sacrifice. Those who are willing to sacrifice reap the benefits of such relationships. Those who are not willing, don’t.

All relationships—and I mean
all
relationships—need maintenance in order to stay healthy, and sacrifice provides the energy needed to maintain them. In fact, I would even say a relationship that never receives much attention does not even qualify to be called a relationship. A relationship that is not maintained is nonexistent; it is simply an acquaintance.

Occasionally I hear people say, “I haven’t talked to her in such a long time, but that doesn’t matter. We can just pick up where we left off!” They make comments like this even if they “left off” two years earlier! Similarly, I have heard people say, “So-and-so is my best friend, but I haven’t seen or talked to her in months.” These remarks may be well-intentioned and sincere, but sometimes they are not true. They are simply excuses for not wanting to sacrifice in a relationship. I realize that on rare occasions, people have invested in each other’s lives in significant ways for a period of time, and then something causes a geographic separation or some other circumstance that prevents them from being together or communicating as frequently as they once did. In those instances,
because of a strong relational foundation,
people can maintain their closeness. But generally speaking, a growing relationship requires an investment of time.

For a relationship to be strong, people cannot weave in and out of each other’s lives like cars on an interstate. They cannot be lackadaisical or choose to connect haphazardly when doing so is convenient. They cannot go for months and years remembering the last fond conversation or friendly e-mail with no additional
communication. Relationships have to be maintained, and they are maintained with steady investments of time and interaction.

In her book
Fierce Conversations
, author Susan Scott makes a powerful observation: “The conversation is the relationship.”
¹
In other words, people who do not communicate do not really have a relationship at all. I understand that keeping up with people can be time-consuming; that’s why it is a sacrifice.

Bishop T. D. Jakes makes an interesting revelation about himself in his book
Let It Go.
²
He notes that he refuses to take on more relationships than he can maintain. This is a well-known, globally respected leader who could probably have as many relationships as he would like. But he knows relationships that are not maintained are bad for everyone involved, so he wisely disciplines himself to allow only a limited number into his life. This is because he understands that nurturing and tending to relationships is the only way for all parties to grow and be blessed.

If you do not invest time and energy to maintain a relationship, whatever type of relationship it is, it will disintegrate. It does not matter who you are or how excellent those relationships are at this moment. You can have the best marriage or be the best of friends with someone
right now
, but if you stop working on making the relationship better, it will eventually die. If you value a relationship, sacrifice for it and maintain it.

RELATIONSHIP REMINDERS

• Though sacrifice is necessary for relationships, don’t ever sacrifice your character, your integrity, your biblical principles, or your walk with God.

• Relationships cost. Be willing to invest in them, knowing that the relationships themselves are important and that they are vital to your fulfilling God’s purposes for your life.

• Anything worth having is worth sacrificing for. The more valuable a relationship is in your life, the more you may have to sacrifice for it.

• You will receive most from the relationships in which you invest most.

• Separating your love for God from your love for other people is impossible. The two work together.

• Great relationships require continual investments of time, energy, care, and communication. You cannot reasonably expect a relationship to thrive or even survive if you are not willing to maintain it.

RAISING YOUR RELATIONAL IQ

1. From your perspective, what is the connection between value and investment? Why does sacrificing for a relationship increase its value?

2. When you are in a relationship, what do you find most difficult to sacrifice? Take, for example, time, other relationships that may be less valuable, finances, or things you want for yourself.

3. Are you currently involved in a relationship that demands more sacrifice than you are making? If so, is the relationship valuable enough to you for you to make the needed sacrifices?

4. Why is your love for God connected to your love for other people? In your everyday life and in your
relationships, how can you demonstrate in practical ways your love for Him by loving others?