The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (26 page)

With the covenant complete, Stanley continued his journey through Africa, looking for Livingstone. The first person he met along the way immediately bowed to him. Stanley then came to understand the copper spear was the symbol of the chief’s authority and that when people in the region saw it, they knew that Stanley had the authority and the backing of the chief and his entire powerful tribe.
³
Stanley eventually located Dr. Livingstone in 1871. When he met the sick and exhausted missionary, he spoke words that have become well-known: “Dr. Livingstone, I presume?”

After he found Dr. Livingstone, Stanley remained in Africa because two newspapers, one American and one British, provided funds for his ongoing exploration of the continent.
⁴
As the story goes, Stanley ventured deep into Africa, cutting covenant more than fifty times.
⁵
His work was not always safe, as many African tribes he encountered had never seen a light-skinned person and could have been hostile to him. When new potentially dangerous tribes saw him, all he had to do was show the scars running down his arm (visual signs of covenant) and display some of the significant gifts received from other tribes. Needless to say, Stanley’s exploration of Africa is widely considered a tremendous success.

S
IX
C
HARACTERISTICS OF A
C
OVENANT
P
ARTNER

Now that you are coming to understand the power of covenant partnership, the question is, how can you identify people who have the potential to be covenant partners for you? Let’s explore six key characteristics of a covenant partner from the story of Ruth, Naomi, and Orpah.

1. A covenant partner can accept change.

Orpah was fine as long as Ruth and Naomi stayed in Moab, a place that was familiar and comfortable to her. Before the two women had traveled very far out of Moab (a place representing sameness, not change, for her), she even said she would go with Naomi to Bethlehem. But when Naomi pressed her, she relented. When Orpah realized that Naomi was determined to get back to Bethlehem and back among the people of God and the things of God, she decided to stay with what was comfortable and familiar to her. With her husband deceased, she had fulfilled her duties as a daughter-in-law and had no obligation to go with Naomi.

A halfway friend will be fine as long as you keep doing what you have always done or stay where you have always been. This may mean that person stays with you as long as he or she is considered your “best friend,” or as long as you give him or her enough time and attention. Or a relationship may be okay with someone as long as you have a certain job, position, or educational status. But when you decide to do something different, the other person becomes distant and disengaged. For example, some people may be satisfied in a relationship in which you provide for them financially, but may leave when you begin to insist that they take responsibility for their own finances. You may have a friend who seems loyal to you while you are both single, but when you get married, she is nowhere to be found. The same can be true when both people are married and one loses a spouse to death or divorce, or when both people are childless and one becomes a parent.

All sorts of scenarios for change exist, and in fact, many of the normal, expected changes people face over the course of a lifetime have the potential to alter relationships in some way. Let me encourage you to pay close attention to the way your friends and acquaintances respond when something changes in your life.
Those who cannot support you and rejoice with you are not destined to be with you in a long-term, purposeful relationship as a covenant partner.

2. A covenant partner does not run away during difficulty.

One of literature’s greatest statements of unfailing devotion and unbreakable commitment takes place when Ruth says to Naomi, “Where you die, I will die, and there will I be buried” (Ruth 1:17
NKJV
). Think about it: they have not even arrived in Bethlehem yet. Ruth has never seen the place they are going. She does not know anyone there except Naomi. Both the culture and the religion of their destination are completely foreign to her, yet with so much uncertainty ahead of her, she makes a lifelong commitment to Naomi. She says, “I am going with you and I will stay with you for the rest of your life. In fact, wherever you die is the place where I will live the duration of my days. When I die, I will be buried close to you.” This almost unspeakably powerful commitment is an awesome example of the kind of unconditional love a covenant relationship requires and provides.

Ruth’s no-matter-what devotion to Naomi sets a high standard for those of us who want to be covenant partners to others and to identify the covenant partners in our own lives. Ruth was determined to
stay
; she was not going to abandon Naomi or pull back from her, regardless of what happened.

Ruth was basically saying to Naomi, “Not even death itself will come between us. I am going to be with you during the good times and the bad times. Others may abandon you. Things may get messy, but when the dust settles, I will still be here.”

A reality of life is that everyone goes through some type of trouble at some point. Nobody sails through life free from difficulty,
and some people seem to face more than a fair share of heartbreak or tragedy. When difficulties arise, we need people who will stand by us, comfort and encourage us, support us, and refuse to leave us, no matter how bad things become.

Halfway friends will stick with you as long as doing so is comfortable and convenient, but will shrink back when you really need them. A covenant partner’s approach to hardship is, “Okay, so this is what we’re up against? Let’s fight it together. I’m with you all the way!”

I encourage you to keep your eyes and ears open to the people in your life. When others experience pain or hardship, do they back off, or do they press in? Chances are, they will treat you the same way they treat others. When you have a bad day or suffer a disappointment, do they tell you to deal with it or do they offer compassion and encouragement? The way they treat you when some fairly minor problem occurs is a good predictor of the way they will relate to you when a major situation arises. If people step away, stop communicating, or seem unavailable when you are going through a challenging time, even though they may have a number of good qualities, they probably are not covenant partners for you.

3. A covenant partner trusts God.

Ruth says to Naomi, “Your people will be my people and your God my God” (Ruth 1:16). Ruth had been raised in Moab, a place that was not part of the promised land and regarded as hostile, enemy territory for God’s people. We can only surmise that something happened in the course of the relationship between Ruth and Naomi that proved to Ruth that Naomi’s God was the one true God. Whatever Ruth saw in Naomi’s walk with God, she wanted. Something about Naomi’s faith birthed faith in God for Ruth. In pledging her loyalty to Naomi and promising to go to Bethlehem
with her, she also pledged her love and loyalty to Naomi’s God and indicated a staggering willingness to trust Him.

Surely Ruth knew her new life with Naomi would not be easy. She was well aware that they were both widows, and she knew widows could not expect easy lives. She must have realized that they had little or no source of income, so they would have to depend on Naomi’s God to provide for them. Ruth had a number of valid reasons to be afraid or concerned about her life with Naomi in Bethlehem, but she did not dwell on those negative possibilities. She simply declared, “Your God shall be my God.”

When you, like Ruth, face many unknowns, when your faith is challenged and begins to waver, when you begin to doubt the things you normally believe firmly, or when you begin to fear the threatening uncertainties that lie ahead of you, you need someone around you to whom you can say, “Your God is my God!” You need someone who trusts God completely and who will pray for you and encourage you to trust Him too. A covenant partner is mature in faith and will remind you that God is faithful, that His Word is true, and that He never, ever fails.

I married a covenant partner, but I did not know it when we stood at the altar, all dressed up, and spoke our wedding vows. All couples profess their love and commitment to each other in some way when they get married, but today, when half of all marriages end in divorce, one person’s passionate profession of love and commitment to another does not mean he or she is a covenant partner. It may simply mean that the other person is only seriously infatuated!

I discovered that my wife was a covenant partner fairly early in our marriage. As I mentioned previously, we moved from Florida to Birmingham, Alabama, in the fall of 2006 so I could accept a pastoral position at a prominent church in the city. In
chapter 6
I explained that Ty made a tremendous sacrifice to do so.

Shortly after our arrival at the ministry in Birmingham, we experienced significant difficulty and drama we never anticipated. During the upheaval, the senior pastor recommended that I plant a new ministry because the situation involved considerable division among the church members. The shock of this suggestion left me speechless, partly because my wife and I had great love and commitment for him. She and I had both left significant positions and income to follow God to Birmingham. At that time, we still had our home in Florida plus a new home in Birmingham, so we faced the possibility of having no income while paying two mortgages! These were extreme changes, changes for which we had no way to prepare.

As I prayed and agonized about the uncertain future before us, I took comfort in my wife’s love and support. One day after a sleepless night of prayer, talking to God about my fear of financial ruin and not being able to provide for my family because I would have no income for at least a year if I started a new ministry, my wife came to me and said, “Sweetheart, I want you to know that I think you should start the new ministry. I believe this is God’s will for your life. And if we use every dollar we have and even lose our homes and ultimately have to eat beans out of a can, I am okay and will be with you every step of the way.”

I knew at that moment, this woman I married was so much more than my wife in name only, she was a true covenant partner! She trusted God, she trusted me, and she did not run away during difficulty.

4. A covenant partner trusts you.

When Ruth says to Naomi, “Don’t urge me to leave you” (Ruth 1:16), she’s basically saying, “
Please,
don’t force me to leave you and go home.
Please
, let me go with you!” In that plea, Ruth is sending a strong message: “Naomi, I trust you. I have been with
you for ten years. I know your character, I know who you are, and I trust you.”

A critical difference between covenant partners and halfway friends is that halfway friends do not
really
trust you. They will stick with you as long as they understand your behavior, as long as your actions are predictable, and as long as you are doing something they approve of and agree with. But the moment you do something that seems out of the ordinary, even if you are following God to do it (sometimes
especially
if you are following God), they begin to wonder what is happening to you. They may question your integrity, your faith, or your sanity. In the end, halfway friends will decide not to go with you.

A covenant partner is someone who knows you thoroughly, sometimes better than you know yourself. This person knows your heart, your integrity, and your walk with God. He or she may even know you well enough to know how you make decisions. Because of this deep knowledge and the close relationship you share, a covenant partner will not require an explanation when he or she does not understand what you are doing. This person may ask questions for information, but doesn’t ask you to defend yourself. Your covenant partner trusts you and will say, “If this is how God is leading you, I’m in. Let’s go!”

5. A covenant partner trusts himself or herself.

Ruth makes a tremendous statement when she says to Naomi: “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay” (Ruth 1:16). The reason these words are so powerful is that Ruth had to trust herself immensely and have great self-confidence in order to speak them. A person who is willing to leave behind everything familiar and say, “I’m going with you, and wherever you choose to live, I’ll live,” has to be extremely secure. Ruth is saying, “Naomi, you don’t
have to worry about me. I can make it anywhere. I can take care of myself, and I can help take care of you. Wherever you want to go, I can thrive—and I can do it for the long haul.”

This is significant because healthy relationships require both people to carry their own weight and walk on their own two feet. Each person must be capable of leading and managing his or her life financially, emotionally, physically, professionally, socially, and in every other way. When one person leans too heavily on the other, the relationship becomes unbalanced and unhealthy. If you are the one being leaned on, you will burn out and wear out after a while, because people get heavy when you have to carry them! If you find yourself with a needy person who continually requires your attention or time, move on. If it seems you are consistently pouring yourself or your resources into the person without return, love him or her, but move on.

While there may be appropriate times when you want to support your covenant partners in reasonable ways, these people do not need to be carried or empowered constantly. They have the internal and external resources to care for themselves, to conduct business or hold a job, and to live in a successful way without your intervention or assistance. Not everyone has these abilities, so when you are looking to identify covenant partners, keep these things in mind. Look for individuals who are confident and strong enough to trust themselves. They need to be secure enough to be who they are and live their own lives while walking with you appropriately.

6. A covenant partner will help you, not harm you.

When we read about how Ruth conducted herself once she and Naomi arrived in Bethlehem, we see that everything she did was intended to benefit Naomi. She did nothing to hurt Naomi. In fact, she did not even seem to do anything that was neutral. She was
determined to be a blessing, not a hindrance or a burden, to her mother-in-law.