The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (21 page)

The fact that a relationship might change is no reason not to feel secure in it or to enjoy it. Knowing it might need to be adjusted should not cause you to be tentative or to fail to give yourself wholeheartedly and appropriately to another person. The point about not exhaling too soon is that you are constantly changing and evolving, and your life is continually unfolding. As God leads you into greater things, certain relationships may need to adjust in order for you move ahead. So maximize and enjoy the relationships He gives you, realizing that the roles you and the other person play may evolve over time.

S
OMETHING
N
EEDS TO
C
HANGE
!

What would it take for a relationship to reach a point where it calls for constructive transition? The time for that type of change comes when a major, serious, perhaps even life-changing situation arises, and you realize that a significant person in your life is effectively standing between you and your destiny. I am not talking about a difference of opinion or an occasion in which you and someone else “agree to disagree.” I don’t mean an instance when you say “tomayto” and they say
“
tomahto.” I am talking about reaching a point where you are firmly established in a clear understanding of God’s will for your life, and someone with whom you have walked very closely for a long time cannot see it and will not support you in it.

In another section of this chapter, I will elaborate on
why
some people cannot see what you need to do when you need to make a change, but here I simply want to make sure you understand that constructive transition is
not
a casual shift in a relationship. It is a deliberate choice that must be made for the sake of furthering God’s plan for your life. It is done carefully and compassionately, with the goal of maintaining a great relationship with new and different roles for both people.

Anytime you enjoy a close relationship with someone, especially when both of you are walking with God, you are likely to share with each other what He is doing in your life and where He is leading you. Sometimes God tests your love and trust for Him by allowing someone important to you to withhold support or encouragement, or to disagree completely with what you believe He is leading you to do.

Relationships can definitely continue to move forward after a disagreement or a set of circumstances in which one person
becomes a hindrance to the other. Because such situations do arise as people grow and develop, we would be wise to value, honor, and make the most of great relationships without relying on them or relaxing in them to the point that we allow them to derail us from God’s purposes and plans for our lives.

P
ETER
T
AKES A
B
ACK
S
EAT

I believe the Bible’s best example of constructive transition takes place in the relationship between Jesus and Peter. Throughout Jesus’ earthly ministry, Peter was part of His inner circle, His closest group of companions. Jesus had twelve disciples, but His deepest, most intimate relationships existed with the small group of Peter, James, and John. Of those three, Peter was arguably the most prominent and the one closest to Him.

In Matthew 16:15, when Jesus asks the very important question, “Who do you say I am?” Peter is the only one of the twelve who actually knows. He answers correctly, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God” (v. 16)
.

Jesus then gives Peter an outstanding commendation. Of all twelve disciples, Peter is the only one who receives this level of blessing:

Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah [Peter’s first name was Simon], for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. (Matt. 16:17–19)

Jesus bestows tremendous blessing, privilege, and authority on Peter, but just a few verses later, the entire dynamic of their relationship changes. As Jesus attempts to prepare His disciples for His immediate future, including His suffering and death, Peter begins to rebuke and challenge Him, basically saying, “No! I’m not going to let that happen!” (Matt. 16:22).

Matthew 16:23 says, “Jesus turned and said to Peter, ‘Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.”

These negative words are almost as strong as the positive words Jesus has just spoken to Peter in Matthew 16:17–19, so we have to wonder what happened. How could Jesus change His tone toward Peter so dramatically and so quickly? Why did He feel He had to do so?

We need to understand that Peter’s resistance to Christ’s suffering and death, while understandable, put Jesus in a difficult place relationally. He has just shared with the disciples God’s plan and will for His life—and Peter vehemently says, “No!” This presents Jesus with a difficult relationship task: He has to transition His relationship with Peter because if He does not, that relationship will prevent Him from reaching His destiny.

If we were to read this story in its original language, we would make the fascinating discovery that the word for
turn
in New Testament Greek (when Jesus “turned” and spoke to Peter in Matthew 16:23) implies a turning
away from
, not a turning
toward.
This is significant because the essence of transition is to stop going the way we had been going, turn, and move in a different direction. When Jesus says to Peter, “Get behind me,” He is instructing him to change places, to take a new position in His life. He can no longer walk beside Jesus because he is not in agreement with what God is requiring Jesus to do. He can no longer occupy the place he once did in Jesus’ life; he has to step back so Jesus can move forward.

After this powerful interaction, Jesus clearly remains in relationship with Peter, but He cannot keep Peter, once His great friend and comrade, as close to Him as He once did. Because Peter does not want Jesus to endure everything He will have to suffer and cannot align himself with God’s plan, Peter participates in some of the events leading up to the crucifixion, but he ultimately denies ever knowing Jesus (Matt. 26:58, 71–74). As some other disciples do, Peter ends up watching the crucifixion from a distance.

If we look at Jesus and Peter’s relationship throughout the New Testament, we see that it was
real.
It had its good times and its hard times, its bitter sorrows and its great joys. One of the most important points about their friendship is that it endured everything the two went through together, and I am convinced this is because they successfully navigated seasons of constructive transition.

T
HE
F
IVE
A
H
-H
AHS
OF
C
ONSTRUCTIVE
T
RANSITION

Do you remember my story about Pastor Sanders? I promised to share the rest of it, and I will, but not yet. Let me first ask if you can relate to the thoughts, emotions, and challenges I experienced as I wanted so desperately to obey God, when doing so meant going against the advice of a trusted friend and mentor. Perhaps you have been in a similar situation. Maybe you sensed God leading you to move to another city, but your parents wanted you to stay in the town where you were raised. Maybe you wanted to start your own business, but your spouse wanted you to stay in a job with a steady paycheck. I hear of all kinds of scenarios in which people believe God is clearly leading them to take a certain course of action, and people they love stand squarely in their way.

How do you navigate this kind of situation? I believe there are five key insights,
ah-hah
moments, that will help you understand and manage relational transitions constructively.

1. Realize that everyone cannot see and understand as you do.

Many times when God begins to lead you in a particular direction, He has been preparing you for a change for quite some time. You will perceive what He is doing and where He wants to take you in a deeply personal way. You may be able to see how the place you are going is exactly the right next step for you, and you may have the wisdom you need to go through the various steps of the journey. But because this is something God is doing in
your
life, the people around you cannot always sense or discern where and how God is leading you. They may not even recognize the general direction in which He is moving you during this particular time. When these dynamics enter into a relationship, I believe they are huge indicators of a need for transition.

Now, back to the story about Pastor Sanders. After we purchased the building and moved in, I later invited him to minister to our church family. After the service, when the two of us met in my office, he began to weep and apologized profusely for trying to keep me from buying the place. He said repeatedly, “I just couldn’t see it. I just couldn’t see how it could turn out so well for you.”

Pastor Sanders and I maintained a good relationship, one we share to this day. He has always been immensely valuable to me, but there was a moment in our relationship when I chose to relate to him differently than I always had because he did not have the vision from God that I had. He was not privy to the many hours of prayer I had spent concerning the building. He did not know everything I was sensing from God, and he did not perceive the genuine
faith God had given me for the project. His discouragement was not personal; it was based on lack of perception. He was not against
me
; he simply could not see what I saw.

Maybe you watched the movie
Moneyball.
In it, baseball team manager Billy Beane hires assistant Peter Brand, who proposes a nontraditional approach to assessing new players. Others mock and even become hostile to Beane and Brand, but the unorthodox duo ignore the naysayers and move forward with their strategy, not giving in to the pressure of the people around them. Eventually, people recognize the value of their methods. Ultimately, the Boston Red Sox adopt their way of doing things and win their first World Series since 1918. This is just one of many examples of people who press forward and do what they know they need to do, even when others attempt to dissuade them. Beane and Brand understood their approach and saw where it could take them; the people around them did not.

Next time people close to you try to talk you out of doing something you
know
you need to do, go easy on them. Chances are, they may be voicing opposition simply because they have not been with you through the entire thought process that led to your decision, and they have not been listening in on the many prayers you have prayed as you sought God’s will for your life. I will admit that there are difficult people in the world; some will oppose you because they are jealous or resentful or bitter. But I am talking about people with whom you are already in meaningful, valuable relationships—people who do want the best for you but who do not always understand what that “best” is.

2. Know that building blocks can become stumbling blocks.

Whenever a person moves from helping you to hindering you, it indicates a need for transition. In the story of Jesus and Peter, Peter
is called a “rock” or a “stone,” reflecting the Greek meaning of his name. The “stone” who had just been so honored and blessed (Matt. 16:17–18) became Peter the stumbling block, who was
not
a blessing to Jesus (Matt. 16:23). In the beautiful old King James Version of the Bible, the phrase, “you are a stumbling block” is rendered, “thou art an
offence
” (emphasis added). This is interesting because when the Greek word for
offence
is used, the phrase means, “a stone lying right across the road I must travel.”
¹
Peter had gone from being a building block to being a stumbling block in Jesus’ life.

We must remember that Jesus felt and acted in His humanity, as well as His divinity, while He was on earth. He felt the same emotions we feel and experienced the same types of temptations we face (Heb. 4:15). For this reason, I am certain He felt sorrow over needing to alter His relationship with Peter, but had He not done so, He would have found moving forward in His destiny extremely difficult. I also feel sure Jesus was deeply hurt when Peter denied him; anyone would be wounded by such words. Remember: Jesus was human, and He had human emotions.

Shifting His relationship with Peter could not have been easy for Jesus. They had been together a long time and shared many significant and powerful experiences. So, when Jesus had to reposition Peter, He also had to trust that He would be okay without His friend. He knew He was facing the brutal agony of crucifixion, and He knew He would have to go through it without strong, fiery Peter by His side. This must have been terribly sad and indescribably difficult for Jesus, but it was also necessary to His destiny and the fulfillment of God’s plan.

When I was in college, like many young people, I had more than one goal. I definitely wanted to get a quality education, but I also wanted to join a fraternity, specifically the fraternity in which my father and several of my mentors held membership. The
fraternity experience taught me a lot about manhood, scholarship, and perseverance. It also provided me with a lot of fun!

When I finished college and began preparing for the ministry, I began to realize I could not continue to hang out with my fraternity brothers and do the things we had done as college students. Frat-boy fun was not appropriate for a young minister, so I had to reposition my relationships with some of my brothers. Being part of the organization with them had been a building block for me in college, but continuing to socialize and stay in the same kind of relationships we had always enjoyed would be a stumbling block in ministry.

When a person or a situation is a building block in your life, take full advantage of it. But also realize that same situation or relationship could become a stumbling block later. Be aware of changes in the relationship and be sensitive to circumstances in which this could happen. If and when it does, realize that the time has come for a constructive transition.