The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (20 page)

My point in sharing these stories is to say that loyal leaders are saddened to lose those who have been important to them and are quick to express appreciation to those who have helped and
supported them. In contrast, only people who are disloyal on some level can watch others leave without a trace of sorrow and without recognizing past benefits of a relationship. David’s apathy toward Uriah’s death clearly proves that his heart was not loyal to Uriah, though Uriah had been extremely faithful to him.

D
ANGER
: D
ISLOYALTY
A
HEAD

As a good soldier in David’s army, I am not sure what Uriah would have done had he realized David was not loyal to him. I do not know whether he would have left the army and found another job if given the chance, or whether he would have continued in military service with a greater awareness of the character weakness of his commander in chief. I do believe Uriah did not know the truth about David’s attitude toward him, which makes his situation all the more tragic.

Unfortunately, all of us can have disloyal leaders in our lives from time to time. In addition to that, people in general can be disloyal. We cannot always avoid them, but we can learn to recognize them so we can deal with them appropriately. Let me explain a few traits of disloyal people so you can see them for who they are, keep from developing strong relationships with them, and avoid being hurt by their disloyalty.

Disloyal people want what they want so badly they do not care who gets hurt as they pursue it.

We have to remember that David knows Bathsheba is Uriah’s wife before he sleeps with her. He has no doubt that she is a married woman. Even though he acts rashly in a moment of passion, enough time has elapsed between the moment he first saw her
and the time she arrives at his palace for him to calm down and think rationally about what he wants to do. He had to have known his alliance with Bathsheba would hurt Uriah deeply if he ever found out about it. David has an opportunity to stop himself, to not go through with his intentions, but because his desire has completely mastered him, he does. Clearly, he is so determined to have what he wants that he totally disregards and disrespects Uriah.

Bathsheba was not only the wife of David’s faithful warrior, she was also the granddaughter of Ahithophel, one of David’s favorite counselors. But after many years of Ahithophel’s devoted and dependable service, David still dishonors this trusted advisor by violating his granddaughter. Incidentally, I believe this is part of the reason Ahithophel sided with David’s son, Absalom, when he later revolted against David.

When people want what they want so badly that they do not care who they hurt, they are trouble. We first see an example of this in Genesis, when Cain kills his brother Abel and then asks, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Gen. 4:9). Cain felt no responsibility for his brother; he was loyal only to himself. His question about being his brother’s keeper is answered in the example Jesus set through His life and in His teachings about loving one another (John 13:34, 35; 15:13; 1 John 3:16).

David’s disregard for human life, and specifically for Uriah, is appalling but not surprising, given the fact that the king was not loyal. Disloyal people often display a lack of care and concern for others in small ways before they do it in big ways. When you encounter people who do not think it matters when others are wounded, watch out. They may soon be the ones to inflict pain, and you may end up getting hurt!

Disloyal people violate the principles for which you stand.

When David tries to get Uriah to come off the battlefield in order to sleep with Bathsheba, the faithful warrior refuses to sleep in his home because of the principles that are valuable to him—honoring God, being a good soldier, staying focused, remaining in solidarity with the brotherhood of fighters, being loyal, and other qualities (2 Sam. 11:11). At that time, David was not embracing any of those values. His behavior completely opposes the code of honor by which a soldier, and especially a leader, needs to live during time of war.

As best we can tell, Uriah was a godly man, but if we look closely at David’s behavior, we see that the king violated a number of God’s commandments. Specifically, he coveted his neighbor’s wife, he committed adultery, he bore false witness, and in the end he killed Uriah. The worst thing about all these infractions is that he did not even seem concerned. He had embraced a completely different value system than he once had followed and lived by a code of conduct altogether foreign to Uriah and others.

We need to understand that once a person denies the principles of God, he or she will easily violate other principles crucial to healthy, loyal relationships. When a person dishonors God, it sets in motion a natural progression that quickly leads to dishonoring other people. This is the reason David seemed so nonchalant about having Uriah killed.

If you are in relationship with someone who does not respect and honor God, you cannot expect that person to respect or honor you. If you want loyal people in life, first look to see if they are faithful to God.

Disloyal people are not willing to give everything for a cause that is vital to you.

As one of David’s mighty men, Uriah was clearly willing to die for David’s cause. I feel sure he had made peace with the fact that he could have been killed in battle, because soldiers in his day were well aware of the risks they faced. He would not have been regarded so highly had he been reluctant to give his all for his king. He made David’s priorities his priorities and was willing to give his life for them.

Today, with the exception of those in military service, police officers, firefighters, and perhaps several other dangerous careers, few people have to make deliberate decisions to sacrifice their own lives for others when they commit to a professional or personal relationship as Uriah did. The lesson we learn from David and Uriah’s story is that people do, however, have different priorities at times. Often, differences in priorities lead to disloyalty. Uriah was only concerned about advancing David’s cause, but David reached a point where his top priority was Uriah’s murder. David was so coldhearted that he gave the letter of instruction for Uriah’s death to Uriah himself, to deliver to his superior. Tragically, Uriah was so loyal to David, and he so trusted a person who clearly was not loyal, that he participated in his own execution.

If you are loyal, like Uriah, I urge you to deal with disloyalty when you recognize it in the people around you. Otherwise, you may unknowingly participate in something that is ultimately harmful or hurtful to you.

L
OOKING FOR
L
OYALTY

We have focused so much on disloyalty in this chapter that it would be worthwhile to list some characteristics of people who are loyal.
I have personally been blessed to have a number of extremely loyal people in my life, and I strive to be as loyal as possible to others. Let me share a few qualities you will find in people who are likely to be loyal to you.

• Loyal people honor and abide by the standards they set for the people around them.

• Loyal people fight
for
and
with
those who are dedicated to their causes or visions. They assume just as much risk, or more, than others do.

• Loyal people elevate the purpose and interests of a family, group, or organization above self-interests.

• Loyal people grieve genuinely over the loss of friends and supporters and truly appreciate the contributions those people have brought to their lives.

• Loyal people care more about others than about their own goals, projects, or pursuits.

• Loyal people affirm and support your values and principles.

• Loyal people are willing to invest as much as possible in the things that are important to you.

RELATIONSHIP REMINDERS

• One of life’s greatest gifts is a truly loyal friend, family member, or colleague. The presence of loyalty will provide tremendous encouragement and support, while a lack of loyalty can be devastating.

• David’s biggest problem was not his relationship with Bathsheba but with Uriah. One sin often leads to another, and sometimes the second one has worse consequences than the first.

• Disloyal leaders set standards for others that they themselves are not willing to meet, and they refuse to support those who support them. Unfaithful leaders value personal agendas over corporate purposes. They don’t appreciate people who contribute to them or mourn the loss of these people when they are gone.

• Disloyal people are willing to hurt others to get what they want. They will violate your principles and will not wholeheartedly invest in things that are vital to you.

• Be able to recognize disloyalty and deal with it. Treasure the loyal people God brings into your life.

RAISING YOUR RELATIONAL IQ

1. What kind of leadership position do you hold? Are you a leader in your home, at work, in your church, in a civic organization, or in some other way? Do you see yourself as more like David or more like Uriah?

2. In what ways do you relate to people in positions of leadership—at work, at home, on a team, in a class, in a religious institution, on a committee, or in other ways? Are those leaders demonstrating qualities of loyalty or disloyalty?

3. I often say, “Leadership rises and falls on relationships.” After reading this chapter, why do you think that is true?

4. Have you ever been disloyal to someone, intentionally or unintentionally? How did you feel about it?
Have you pursued God’s forgiveness and determined to be loyal from now on?

5. Has anyone ever betrayed or been disloyal to you? What was that experience like, and what did you learn from it?

6. One of the saddest parts of David and Uriah’s story happens at the end, when Uriah unknowingly takes his own death warrant to his commander. Have you ever been in a situation in which your loyalty did you more harm than good? How can you better recognize disloyal people in the future? How can you be loyal in appropriate ways to the people in your life?

7. Who are the most loyal people in your life? What qualities do they exhibit to prove their loyalty to you?

10

Changing Places

T
HE
L
AW OF
C
ONSTRUCTIVE
T
RANSITION

I WAS SO EXCITED! I COULD HARDLY BELIEVE how tremendously God had blessed the small seed of a ministry my wife and I planted in Birmingham, Alabama. We had been there only nine months, having started a church with just a few families. And now, a relatively short time later, we had a chance to buy a building!

We prayed and prayed about the purchase, wrestling with our decision, well aware that it would be the biggest leap of faith we had ever taken in ministry. We sought wise counsel from people who knew us, loved us, and had prayed along with us. They all supported us. Except one.

I had enjoyed many years of rich, rewarding relationship with one of my friends and mentors, Pastor Sanders. I respected his opinion greatly and was eager to share with him the story of how God had brought us so quickly to the opportunity to buy our very own church building.

He thought it was a bad idea. Based on his years of experience, he felt we were taking on too big a challenge too early in the life of our ministry. He knew the potential pressures and difficulties I as the pastor could face as we absorbed such a huge financial commitment. Even though I was committed to proceeding with the purchase, he thought we were moving too fast and tried his best to talk me out of it.

The excitement drained out of me like air out of a balloon. I was at a critical crossroads. I
knew
in my heart that God was leading us to purchase the property; I
knew
He had given me the faith to take such a big step. But this man I looked up to, this man who had added so much value to my life as a pastor and a preacher, this man who had advised me so well in the past, was dead set against it.

I was in a tough place. I knew what God was leading me to do; I also knew my friend and mentor thought I was making a massive mistake. I could hardly bear the thought of disappointing Pastor Sanders, but I could
not
disobey the Lord’s clear direction. I knew what I had to do.

I went with God.

We bought the building and began renovating it, and the church grew as more and more people came and filled the place to overflowing.

I’ll bring the story of my relationship with Pastor Sanders to a conclusion later in this chapter, but for now I simply want to make this point: there are moments in life when your best relationships can become your biggest problems. Sometimes, in order to move forward with God, you must change the way you relate to certain people in your life. This does not mean ending a relationship; it simply means restructuring it in a healthy, loving way so you can continue to be friends or associates with a certain person, but with different dynamics than you had before.

There are moments in life when your best relationships can become your biggest problems.

D
ON
’
T
E
XHALE
T
OO
S
OON

Much of this book deals with how to identify, invest in, and maintain the right relationships. Here I want to encourage you not to relax and settle into those relationships too quickly once they come into your life, because while they may be truly great relationships, they may also reach a point where they need to be redefined in positive ways or constructively transitioned. By “constructive transition,” I mean a change in the place or significance a person holds in your life. Perhaps instead of remaining a best friend or confidant, someone becomes a friend in the broader context of your life. Perhaps he or she was once a mentor but becomes a colleague or a peer. These kinds of beneficial adjustments do not mean ending a relationship; they simply mean changing the dynamics of the relationship or moving a person into a new role or position in your life.