The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (18 page)

We all have certain people in our lives who are or want to be visible, and we all have those who are truly valuable. My wife, Ty, like many pastors’ wives, is acquainted with a lot of people. She sees many of them often. But one of the most valuable people in her life is a friend who lives several states away from us. The two of them cannot get together frequently, but every time they talk, they both end up refreshed and encouraged. These two women rarely make personal appearances in each other’s lives, though they do sacrifice in order to see each other from time to time. Ty’s long-distance friend has demonstrated the qualities of a person of true value over a long period of time, and her lack of visibility in our lives in no way translates to a lack of value or importance.

The key to success in relationships and in life is to know the difference between those individuals who are simply visible in our lives and those who are genuinely valuable. So how do you recognize people of true value? Let me offer a few important observations about this from Moses, Zipporah, and Aaron.

People of true value seek to please God, not to gain others’ approval.

One of the biggest problems Aaron causes is the construction of the golden calf—an idol—for the Israelites to worship while Moses is on Mount Sinai, receiving the Ten Commandments from God. On every level, this is an appalling, disastrous, altogether
wrong
thing to do!

When Moses angrily questions Aaron about this offense toward God, he whimpers a pitiful excuse: “The people made me do it” (Ex. 32:22–23).

This is outrageous! Aaron would become the high priest of Israel; he is Moses’ right-hand man. He is a leader. In fact, while Moses is on Mount Sinai, he is the only visible leader of the nation. And he allows the people for whom he is responsible to pressure him into abandoning the God he serves and to lead them into idolatry and sin.

When we think about all the trouble Aaron causes, we see that he does so simply because he compromises his integrity and his principles in the midst of pressure from the people. But if we remember Zipporah, we see that she serves God’s purpose instead of stirring up problems for Moses. When she circumcises Eliezer, she honors God. We never see in Scripture that Zipporah is a people pleaser, as Aaron is. She is a God pleaser who honors His covenant and helps Moses—His chosen leader—fulfill His plan.

People who add value to your life will honor God above all.
They will not bow to peer pressure. They will be secure enough in who they are that they really do not care whether others approve of them, as long as God is pleased.

People of true value bring fulfillment, not frustration, to those with whom they are in relationships.

Aaron is
not
helpful. More than anything else, he is a source of frustration to Moses. Ultimately, he also causes frustration for the children of Israel because instead of encouraging them to worship the God who loves them and is leading them to a good place, he helps them worship an idol that has no power at all. Anytime people put their hope in something that does not deliver, frustration results, but that’s exactly what Aaron both allows and facilitates.

When Moses finds out what Aaron has done, he is furious! He throws down the Ten Commandments and then has to return to Mount Sinai to get them again. The first time, God writes the commandments for him with His own finger. The second time, Moses has to etch them in stone himself, which costs him and the nation of Israel a lot of time.

Zipporah, in contrast, definitely helps Moses. She helps save his life, she helps ensure his family’s faithfulness to God’s covenant, and she helps position him to be fulfilled as a leader. Because of her role in Moses’ life, she not only propels him to his destiny, she also helps fulfill God’s plan for the entire nation of Israel.

For some reason, no matter how much frustration Aaron causes Moses, Moses stays in close relationship with him. Many people today make the same mistake. It happens in businesses (especially family businesses) and work environments; it happens in churches and social settings. Sometimes frustrating people are allowed to stay in certain situations because “they’ve always been
there,” or sometimes they have something to offer—perhaps financial resources—that others believe they cannot do without. The fact is, people who have a habit and a history of causing trouble will not provide rewarding relationships for you or help you fulfill your destiny.

I will address in a later chapter some of the ways to get these people out of the forefront of your life and into a more appropriate place. For now, just know that one of the best things you can do for yourself and the people around you is to minimize trouble by sidelining the frustrating people who want to attach themselves to you.

People of true value take joy in helping prepare others for greatness instead of taking pride in their own accomplishments.

After Aaron completes the golden calf, he builds an altar to it. Not only has he turned his back on God and led the people to do likewise, he seems proud of it. We do not see in Scripture how Zipporah responds to the ways she helped Moses, but we also do not see any evidence of her gloating, taking credit for keeping Moses alive, or celebrating her lifesaving action. The text seems to infer that she simply does what needs to be done and goes about her business. Zipporah perceives God’s call of greatness on Moses’ life, and she does everything in her power to help him answer it well. We do not know for certain, but I suspect she finds great fulfillment in doing so because of her genuine love for God and her obvious love for her husband.

Most people who are truly valuable in your life will not stop to call attention to all they have done for you. Sure, they may be aware of it, but they do not dwell on what they have done; they focus on what you are doing. They are happy to help you reach your goals and live your dreams. They do not repeatedly remind you of how
much they have helped you, but they take as much joy from helping you get to your destination as you take in being there.

RELATIONSHIP REMINDERS

• The most visible people around you are not always the ones who add the most value to your life.

• Sometimes, people you may take for granted or be tempted to overlook are the ones who save your life or launch you into your destiny.

• You can absolutely depend on people who are truly valuable to be there for you during critical times in your life.

• The most visible people in your life may not help you very much; they may actually hinder you.

• People of true value seek to please God, and they bring fulfillment, not frustration, to your life. They will also take joy in preparing you for greatness instead of taking pride in what they do for you.

RAISING YOUR RELATIONAL IQ

1. Who are the most visible people in your life?

2. Who are the most valuable people in your life? Why is each one valuable to you?

3. Who has done something significant for you, as Zipporah did for Moses? Have you thanked that person? Do you continue to honor him or her in your life by being loyal?

4. One of the sad facts of the story of Moses and Aaron is that Moses truly thought he needed Aaron, when in reality, he probably didn’t. With enough confidence in God and the right people around him, he could have succeeded without Aaron’s help. Is there anyone in your life you
think
you need, but who really is causing frustration and sending your destiny on a detour?

5. When you think about the characteristics of truly valuable people, how do you think you may need to improve your relational skills so you can be valuable to others?

9

Is That Person
Really
on Your Side?

T
HE
L
AW OF
L
OYALTY

ON JUNE 27, 1880, IN TUSCUMBIA, ALABAMA, not too far from where I live in Birmingham, a baby girl was born. Her senses of sight and hearing were intact at birth, but before she reached the age of two, the child had contracted an illness that has never been officially identified except to be called “brain fever.” This condition left her completely deaf and blind for the rest of her life. Her name was Helen Keller.

I have mentioned Helen Keller in numerous messages over the years, primarily because she overcame enormous obstacles to accomplish great things, such as graduating from Radcliffe College and authoring twelve books. She made amazing contributions to society in spite of her handicaps. If I ever need an illustration about overcoming adversity, Helen Keller provides one! Her accomplishments were many, and she received several prestigious awards, including the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Unable to see or hear, Helen Keller could never have impacted
the world as she did without a great deal of assistance. The person who helped her most was her teacher, Anne Sullivan, who was also visually impaired but not completely blind. Sullivan arrived at Helen’s house to become her full-time teacher in 1887, gave her a doll as a gift and proceeded to write “d-o-l-l” in the palm of Helen’s hand. That one word was the beginning of a relationship that lasted forty-nine years.

The relationship between Helen and Anne was not always pleasant, especially in the beginning. The play
The Miracle Worker,
and the movie by the same name, tell their story and depict Helen as a temperamental child, given to rage at times because of her frustrations with her physical limitations. Sullivan persevered and remained loyal to her pupil, and Helen remained loyal to her teacher.

Sullivan accompanied Helen from Alabama to various schools for deaf and blind students in the northeastern United States. After Helen’s graduation from high school, Sullivan continued with her to Radcliffe, continually helping Helen and ensuring that she received the best possible education. After Sullivan married, Helen continued to live with her teacher and Sullivan’s husband.

As Helen gained national and international prominence, the two traveled throughout the United States and to more than forty countries. When Sullivan’s health began to fail in her later years, she hired a housekeeper, whom she trained to be Helen’s new caregiver. Sullivan died in 1936, with Helen at her side.

The story of Helen Keller and Anne Sullivan is a remarkable account of loyalty. Though I can imagine that the challenges and frustrations must have been intense at times, Sullivan never left Helen for an easier job. In addition, she made sure Helen reached her full potential, not simply learning to read or write but earning a college degree and gaining worldwide acclaim for her amazing accomplishments.

Loyalty is an incredibly powerful force for good in any relationship. In contrast, betrayal is one of the most hurtful and most negative things that can happen between two people. When loyalty is present, as it was with Helen Keller and Anne Sullivan, a relationship can soar to incredible heights. But when loyalty is lacking, the results can be devastating. To illustrate the damage a lack of loyalty can do, I would like to share some additional insights about a man I mentioned in
chapters 3
and
7
, King David.

Loyalty is an incredibly powerful force for good in any relationship. In contrast, betrayal is one of the most hurtful and most negative things that can happen between two people.

T
HE
F
IRST
S
TEP IN THE
W
RONG
D
IRECTION

In
chapter 7
, I summarized the story of David’s adulterous encounter with his beautiful neighbor Bathsheba. Let’s review the story here. When Bathsheba becomes pregnant after David sleeps with her, David calls her husband, Uriah, home from battle, hoping everyone will think her child belongs to him. But Uriah acts honorably and does not sleep with her during a time of war; instead he sleeps at the entrance of the palace (see 2 Samuel 11:9). When David finds out Uriah does not sleep in his own bedroom with his wife, he makes a disastrous decision: he sends Uriah to the front lines of the battle, where he will surely be killed. And that’s exactly what happens.

I submit to you that, surprisingly, it is not David’s illicit relationship with Bathsheba that precipitates his downfall. It is his
relationship with her
husband,
Uriah, a skilled warrior and dedicated member of David’s army—a man whom David betrayed and had killed. While David’s sin with Bathsheba is significant and cannot be overlooked, his sin against Uriah ultimately causes him to suffer even more than his actions with her. If we can understand who David was in relation to Uriah, and vice versa, we can gain vital insight into not only the dynamics of loyalty within the relationship between those two men centuries ago, but also within the relationships that shape our lives today.

I
T
I
S
B
IGGER THAN
B
ATHSHEBA

Among the unsavory stories in the Bible, David’s first encounter with Bathsheba typically emerges as shocking and offensive to some people who hate to see a biblical hero fall. To others, David’s story is comforting, because they know too well what it’s like to love God but to allow a moral failure along life’s journey. All kinds of things have been written and said about David and Bathsheba, but not much has been said concerning David and Uriah. For our purposes in this chapter, this relationship teaches us the most valuable lessons about loyalty, ourselves, and others.

When thinking about David, we must never forget that he was the king. People looked up to him, admired him, and respected him. Some men, a group called “David’s mighty men” even risked their lives for him and his cause (2 Sam. 23:8). This band of brothers performed great exploits on behalf of David’s administration. We learn from 1 Chronicles 11:41 that Uriah was one of these mighty men. He, like the others, was profoundly loyal to David, but later we learn that David was not at all loyal to him.

Just as Brutus did to the Roman emperor Julius Caesar when
he betrayed and killed him, David violated the brotherhood by the way he treated Uriah. In this case, David the leader was the treacherous, ungrateful man, while Uriah, his faithful soldier, proved to be the loyal one.