The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (13 page)
Authors: Van Moody
Tags: #ebook
The whole situation was tragic. It was heartbreaking for every victim and every victim’s family. It is also sad and appalling that anyone would do what Sandusky was found guilty of doing. But at the same time, it seems that something is also wrong with a group of adults, including university administrators and allegedly head coach Joe Paterno himself, who would conspire to cover up such violations just because they wanted to protect their football program and avoid shaming the university.
Just think about how differently the situation would have turned out had Paterno decided to apply the law of selectivity and sever relationship with Sandusky, going public with the abuse as soon as he discovered what Sandusky was doing. Had Paterno taken appropriate action, he would have preserved his legacy. He would have shone a light on a situation that happens far too often in the dark. He would have been able to take a firm, clear stand against child sexual abuse. Had he announced a zero-tolerance policy against abuse by firing Sandusky and turning him over to police, he would have set a standard for other coaches and other football programs. He had the chance to stop Sandusky from harming the lives of many young men. The opportunity was available to put the university in a position to say, “This has happened. We are outraged and we are deeply sorry. We can never undo the damage Jerry Sandusky has done, but we are working to help the victims rebuild their lives. We have fired Jerry Sandusky and we are fully cooperating with authorities to make sure he never has access to little boys
again. We urge every university and every sports program in the world to pay attention to the actions of employees, to encourage the reporting of inappropriate behavior, and to institute zero-tolerance policies against the abuse of children.”
Coach Paterno passed away in January 2012, at age eighty-five, with his integrity in question and his legacy tainted. Several months later, the once-great coach was disgraced and held in disdain across the United States and around the world. The National Collegiate Athletic Association vacated 112 wins, from 1998 through 2011, removed college scholarships, and fined Penn State sixty million dollars. In addition, the bronze statue honoring him at Penn State came down. When all was said and done, he spent a lifetime building success and earning respect, only to come to an inglorious end because, among other bad decisions, he refused to be selective in his relationships.
When you consider entering into a relationship, remember this story and remember the illustration of the restaurant used at the beginning of this chapter. Just because an item is on the menu does not mean you have to order it. In fact, you can’t order everything. Just because a person comes into your life, that doesn’t mean you need to build a close relationship. Set your standards high and give people opportunities to qualify for relationship with you. Then make wise selections that will bless and strengthen both you and those in relationships with you.
RELATIONSHIP REMINDERS
• Selectivity in relationships is the best way to keep from wasting your time with people who do not intend to bless you.
• Selectivity is not arrogant or narrow-minded. It is a wise, biblical approach to relationships. The failure to be selective can be fatal to your destiny.
• Require a process of qualification and selection, understanding that the only way to get the right people around you is to disallow the wrong ones.
• Do not give the best years of your life to the worst kinds of people.
• Understand that selectivity demands loyalty. If a person qualifies to be in a relationship with you, that person should be able to depend on you to be loyal.
• Accepting people is not the same as approving of everything they say or do. Acceptance and approval are different.
• When you need to leave a relationship, do not be afraid to do so.
RAISING YOUR RELATIONAL IQ
1. The idea of qualification and selection is foreign to many people because they have been taught to try to have as many friends as possible. Is the idea new to you, and if so, would you give selectivity a try?
2. Why would selectivity in relationships be good and wise for you?
3. After reading this chapter, are you having second thoughts about any of your relationships? What caught your attention and caused you to think?
4. Have you given some of the best years of your life to some of the worst people you’ve ever known and
suffered because of it? I want to encourage you today and remind you that God is a Redeemer and a Healer, and He can restore the years you have lost (Joel 2:25).
5. Based on what you learned in this chapter, who are some people in your life who may be good candidates for stronger relationships than you currently enjoy with them? From whom do you need to begin to back away?
THE LATE US PRESIDENT JOHN F. KENNEDY urged in his 1961 inaugural address, “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” These words are famous and memorable not simply because they are eloquent or poetic but because they are powerful and noble. When Kennedy spoke them, they beckoned us to look beyond ourselves to the greater good of our country. They called us away from selfishness and self-focus and into an attitude of sacrifice, service, and focus on others.
When we think about what we can do for others instead of what they can do for us, we get to the very heart of healthy, successful relationships. One of the immutable laws of relationships is the law of sacrifice, which means everyone involved must enter into and remain in a relationship with a willingness to give, not to take. Both parties have to be willing to sacrifice for each other and for the relationship as a whole.
The only things we should never sacrifice for a relationship are
integrity, character, biblical principles, and our walks with God. In truly healthy relationships, people will not ask us to sacrifice such significant aspects of our lives but will appreciate and honor them. Aside from these priorities, everything else is eligible to be placed upon the altar of sacrifice.
The idea of sacrifice is not often popular. It evokes all kinds of feelings, from minor inconvenience to near agony! But the level of discomfort does not really matter; what matters is the value of a relationship. A whatever-it-takes attitude and willingness to sacrifice provide solid proof that one person truly values another person and the relationship they share.
The most significant relationship the world has ever known clearly demonstrates to us the importance of sacrifice in a relationship. I am referring, of course, to the relationship between God and us. The apostle John gave the world one of its best-known scriptures in John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he
gave
his one and only Son” (emphasis added). Now,
that’s
sacrifice! God, the Creator of relationships (Gen. 2:20–25), demonstrates to the entire world that successful relationships require sacrifice. In order to relate with us, He sacrificed something unspeakably precious—His only Son!
John 3:16 is a familiar scripture, but the power of its message is not limited to the words of this verse. John’s ministry continued after he penned these words. Years later, under the leading of the Holy Spirit, a much older and more experienced John wrote three more books of the Bible: 1, 2, and 3 John. After reflecting for years on Christ’s life and ministry and on the necessity of sacrifice within relationships, John made an earth-shattering statement: “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers” (1 John 3:16). In other words, John realized and taught that in order to have successful relationships, we must follow Jesus’ example and sacrifice for others.
After all, that is what Jesus did for us. We need to understand that no other relationship can be successful unless we follow His model.
Sacrifice is something God has demonstrated personally and something He requires of us for healthy relationships. It is not pleasant, and it is not easy. This is because certain enemies of sacrifice are wired into human nature and are constantly pulling us to side with them. We must defeat two specific enemies if we are going to sacrifice in ways that honor God and benefit our relationships: comfort and convenience.
One primary reason people fail to maintain their relationships is that they want to pursue comfort. When people become comfortable with others, they develop a sense of familiarity that can easily breed neglect, lassitude, and indifference. They begin to disregard others and to take them for granted. Then they begin to take undue liberties in the relationship, often leading to minor instances of disrespect that become major problems over time.
The second enemy of sacrifice, an accomplice to the trap of comfort, is the snare of convenience. In today’s world, we are accustomed to convenience; and if something is inconvenient, we do not always make the effort to attain or enjoy it. In order to have healthy, biblical relationships, we must discard the idea of convenience because godly relationships have nothing to do with whether they are convenient or not. They require investments of time, energy, resources, and commitment, and those things are not always convenient to give.
To avoid allowing comfort and convenience to destroy our relationships, we must develop habits of continually respecting and valuing others, meeting their needs, and sacrificing for people immediately when their needs arise. We cannot wait until a convenient time to help or support them; we should do so when they need us. Many times, if we wait for a “good time” to do something for someone else, we will never do it. Often the inconvenient kindnesses
we extend to people communicate most clearly how highly we esteem them and how much we value our relationships with them.
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You have probably heard the trite saying, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch.” I don’t know about that, but I do know there is no such thing as a free relationship. One of the basic truths of any good, healthy, successful relationship is that it costs. It requires an investment from everyone involved. A relationship is like a bank account. If you do not put anything into it, you will never get anything out of it.
If your relationships are going to become everything God has ordained them to be, and if both you and the other person are going to help each other reach your full potential, sacrifice will be necessary. The way people prove beyond all doubt that they are serious about a relationship is that they are willing to sacrifice for it. As I mentioned, John 3:16 reveals that Jesus is the ultimate example of sacrifice. Better than anything else a person can do, sacrifice expresses the fact that people are genuine and pure in their desire for a growing relationship. Sometimes sacrifice stings; it is not enjoyable, but it is unavoidable.
If your relationships are going to become everything God has ordained them to be, and if both you and the other person are going to help each other reach your full potential, sacrifice will be necessary.
Before you get discouraged about the high price of godly relationships, know this: the plans and purposes of God in your life have immeasurable and infinite value, and are worth every investment He asks you to make. If you were able to step into your destiny easily without sacrifice and expense, chances are high that you would esteem it too lightly and readily neglect, misuse, or lose it.
Too Much + Too Soon + Too Freely = Disaster
You may be familiar with the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11–24). Basically, the story is about a father with two sons. The younger brother received his inheritance and squandered it. He was irresponsible and profligate, so he ended up losing it all. He returned to his father’s house destitute, and his father threw an elaborate party for him.
This parable is often used as a story about salvation. The father’s joy and generosity toward his wayward son illustrate God’s lavish love and willingness to receive people no matter what they have done. But this story also contains some powerful lessons about relationships.
In the relationship between the son and his father, the son turns prodigal because his father gave him things for which the young man did not have to sacrifice. Under usual circumstances, he would not have had access to his inheritance until after his father’s death. He would have had to sacrifice time in order to get everything his father left him. But the son did not want to sacrifice, and the father gave him his share of the inheritance at an early age. This created a problem. Because the son did not have to sacrifice for it, he did not value it. Instead, he squandered it. The son’s unwillingness to sacrifice and value what was given to him contributed significantly to the unwise behavior that caused him to lose everything.
Note that the relationship between the son and his father did
not change until the son began to think differently and was willing to return home and serve his father. In other words, nothing changed until he was willing to sacrifice some things, including his pride, his time, and his stature. Once he made these changes and desired to return home and to live according to his father’s standards, his father welcomed him with open arms.
The lesson here is that when God gives us something He sees as valuable in our lives, He often asks us to sacrifice for it because that ensures that we will cherish it and handle it wisely. He knows that the more it costs us, the more highly we will esteem it.
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Sacrifice is an indispensable component of biblical relationships because
the price you are willing to pay for something reveals its value to you.
Sacrifice must take place because a thriving, meaningful relationship requires investment, and investment often involves risk.