The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (12 page)

I
T
’
S
B
IBLICAL

I recognize that this concept of selectivity may be a bit new to you, especially if your culture or your faith has taught you to be inclusive
of everyone, no matter what. So let’s take a look at what the Bible has to say about it.

In 2 Corinthians 6:14–7:1, Paul wrote:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” “Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.” “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.” Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.

Paul certainly knew the biblical teaching to “love one another” (John 13:34; 1 John 4:7), but in this passage, he is urging his readers to learn to be selective. He clearly says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.” In other words, loving everyone in a biblical way is fine and good, but don’t get close to people who are not headed in the same direction you are going and who have different values, goals, and ideals, especially spiritual ones. Do not judge them, but do not pal around with them either.

The main reason people become unevenly yoked is that they approve of attitudes, behaviors, or words they should not. That is where the trouble starts. They do not understand the difference between acceptance and approval. When they move beyond
accepting people and expressing appropriate biblical love and they begin to approve of things that take them away from God and His Word, an unequal relationship is sure to follow. As Paul said, “What fellowship can light have with darkness?” He knew the answer, and we do too. None! Refusing to walk closely with someone who would be unequally yoked with you is not harsh. It is a smart way to protect and preserve the character, integrity, and destiny God has placed on your life.

Let me also call your attention to a situation involving Jesus. In Luke 4, He says that no prophet is accepted in his hometown. He mentions that when God wanted to do a miracle through Elijah, He sent him to a widow in a Gentile area called Zarephath, even though there were plenty of widows in the town in Elijah’s home country of Israel (Luke 4:25–27; 1 Kings 17:9). The same thing happened with Elisha. His hometown in Israel had plenty of lepers, but only one, a Syrian man, was healed after encountering the prophet (2 Kings 5:1–14).

When Jesus finished making His point about prophets being limited in terms of what they could do in their familiar surroundings, the people around Him were so furious they tried to drive Him off a cliff and kill Him! What did He do? He “walked right through the crowd and went on his way” (Luke 4:30).

The point of Jesus’ story in Luke 4 is that sometimes we can be around people we have been around for years, but a time may come when we must be selective even with them in order to move forward with God’s plans for our lives. Those people who have known us all our lives may, like the ones in Jesus’ day, be the very ones who try to “kill” us—not physically, but they may try to kill our dreams and visions or keep us from reaching the places God has for us. When that happens, we have to be like Jesus and go in a different direction.

L
EARNING FROM
E
XPERIENCE

I once made a big mistake because I did not understand how clearly the Bible urges us to make wise choices in relationships and I was unwilling to be selective. I was in school, preparing for ministry, and I was offered a job at a large, well-known, prestigious church. It was a phenomenal opportunity.

Before I agreed to take the position, I became aware of some issues involving leaders in the church. In simplest terms, I found out that they were not committed to holy living. At that time in my life, I did not yet understand how much the people around me would influence me. Naively, I thought,
I’m my own person. I know the church leaders aren’t living the way they should, but that won’t affect me. I will be strong in the Lord and I will live a holy life, no matter what the people around me are doing.

I was wrong! Not long after I started working for that church, I began to struggle with issues I never struggled with before. I started feeling tempted to do things I never even thought of doing before. Thankfully, I realized what was happening before it was too late, but I also learned the lesson that whatever we are around
will
rub off on us. I subsequently had to resign and, as Jesus did, go in a different direction. I either had to do that or buckle under the pressure of my surroundings. I had to make a choice. If we want to stay on the track where God has placed us, we cannot allow ourselves to be around people who will influence us away from it. We must make a decision.

T
HE
G
ROWN
-U
P
W
AY TO
F
IND A
F
RIEND

Do you remember sitting in a classroom or school lunchroom and writing or receiving a note that said something like: “Do you like
me? Check yes or no.” Most people can remember that scenario or a similar one. When someone checked yes, a relationship ensued. When someone checked no, it didn’t. Things were simple back then! Unfortunately, that simple “yes, I like you” or “no, I don’t” approach to relationships we knew as children contributed to thought patterns that do not serve us well as adults. They caused us to believe that the fact that someone liked
us
meant we had to like
them
—and that is dangerous!

As adults, we have to abandon juvenile ways of making decisions, especially decisions about relationships, whether those relationships are platonic, romantic, or professional. We cannot decide to like another person simply because he or she likes us; we cannot take a job simply because someone offers it; we cannot enter into a marriage covenant only because someone proposes. No, any relationship in which we involve ourselves must be one that has passed some tests and one we have deliberately chosen. We desperately need to set standards for the people we allow into our lives. That is the only way to keep the wrong people from influencing us in negative ways and to surround ourselves with the right ones.

So how do you identify people who qualify for relationship with you and make wise selections concerning individuals, groups, or institutions with whom to build relationships? Let me offer five suggestions.

1. A good candidate for relationship is a person with long-term potential.

Adding value to someone’s life doesn’t happen overnight. It is a process that takes time—sometimes a
long
time. You cannot give to others all the benefits you have to offer in a relationship in a week or a month or even a year. Great, meaningful relationships are not built on a short-term basis, and it’s so important to determine
as best you can whether you can cultivate a relationship with someone over a period of years.

Historically, before the age of transportation, people tended to live in the same community for years, and families lived in the same area for generations. This gave people opportunities to really know each other. In those days, people did not have the technology and the machines we have today, so they had to work together and help each other. These types of situations, which some might consider hardships, contributed to the development of strong, long-lasting relationships. Today, having relationships can feel like being on a carousel; people weave in and out of your life as they hop on and off a merry-go-round. But a genuine, biblical friend or family member will be there when things are fun and good—and when things are most difficult. I certainly do not wish problems on you, but difficulties and challenges do arise. So when you have a problem or a crisis, take note of the people who are there for you. They are the ones with the potential to be long-lasting friends, and you can learn so much about their character when you see how they support you in a time of trial.

2. A good candidate for relationship is a person of substance.

A person with whom you can build a quality relationship is one who is deeper and broader than you may realize when you initially become acquainted. To find out whether or not people have empires inside them, try asking some of these questions:

• Where are you going in life?

• What is your personal vision?

• What are your greatest passions?

• What are your goals?

• Where do you see yourself in ten, twenty, or thirty years?

• What kind of impact are you trying to make for the Kingdom of God?

People can waste a lot of time and end up being hurt because they do not assess others correctly at the outset of a relationship. Don’t be afraid to ask the questions I have suggested and others that are similar. Listen closely to their answers and let them help you determine whether or not you want to take the next step in developing a relationship.

Know this:
people who are not going anywhere in life have already arrived.
I strongly caution you against spending your time and energy on people who have no vision or drive. Look for people of substance, passion, and ambition—people who aren’t seeking to make an impression on the world but to make a powerful impact for God’s Kingdom. Find people who have the capacity to appreciate the vision you have for your life and the energy to support you in it. Look for people who will challenge and encourage you to become more than you are today, and who will allow you to do the same for them.

3. A good candidate for relationship is a person who is a giver.

People who are ready, able, and worthy of building a good relationship with are generous and unselfish, not people who always want you to do something for them. Understand that giving is rarely about the gift; it is about the heart. Everyone has a different measure of resources. Some people with many resources give very little, while some people who do not have much to give sometimes give almost all they have. In many ways, there are only two types of people in the world: givers and takers. If you are not in
a relationship with a giver, you are in one with a taker, and the only way to have a healthy, balanced relationship is to have two givers. A strong, right relationship includes reciprocation, and a great relationship is one in which both people are eager to bless each other.

4. A good candidate for relationship is a person who is “good soil.”

Jesus tells the story of a farmer who sowed some seed. He planted it in different types of ground, but as you can imagine, it only thrived when it was in good, rich, healthy soil (Luke 8). One of the key points of the story is this: the farmer planted the seed, but the soil determined the harvest.

In terms of relationships, this means people need to be “good soil” for the investment you want to make in them, which means they need to value what you have to give. I could have avoided so much pain personally had I simply understood that everyone did not appreciate or honor what I had to give them. Understand that you cannot change people. They are who they are. Along your life’s journey, you will encounter some people who will take the love, the time, the finances, or the energy you invest in them, but never give you anything in return. The relationship is like a black hole; you pour into a person, and then you wonder what happened to everything you gave.

No matter how attractive, influential, well educated, or connected a person is, always look beyond those superficial matters and see what kind of heart he or she has. Look for a quality human being, and do not enter into a relationship until you are certain that the person is someone of character who can receive and multiply what you have to give.

5. A good candidate for relationship is a person who places a premium on integrity.

One thread running through several chapters in this book is the importance of integrity. In a true biblical relationship, both parties must have no doubt about what they would do if they ever had to make a choice between their integrity and a relationship.

Real friends will confront you, and even walk away from you if necessary, when you compromise integrity. They know that a lack of integrity on your part will eventually destroy them, and you must know that a lack of integrity on their part will ultimately destroy you. That is why people in healthy relationships do not tolerate violations of integrity on any level, for any length of time.

F
AILURE TO
B
E
S
ELECTIVE
C
AN
B
E
D
ISASTROUS

I trust this chapter has taught you some important lessons about being selective. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of doing so. You do not have to look hard to find stories that drive home the point that failing to be selective can bring destruction and devastation in widespread ways.

As I was writing this book during the summer of 2011, a news story emerged that saddened and shocked people in the United States and around the world. It was a tragedy of enormous proportion: a storied college football powerhouse, a legendary head coach, a respected university, and a popular assistant football coach who was convicted of heinous crimes against boys who trusted him, and a university administration that turned a blind eye to the violations, some of which took place in their own facilities.

I am talking about the scandal at Penn State, whose assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky, preyed upon innocent, often fatherless young men and damaged them in unspeakable ways. From a relational standpoint, I can see instances in which every critical law of relationships was broken. To put it mildly, the entire scenario was rife with dysfunction, especially relational dysfunction.