The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (4 page)

Even in situations that call for the most casual conversation, we need to learn to be straightforward and sincere, yet loving and kind. Sometimes, we can do so with only slight tweaks in our language, for example:

• If you do not think someone looks good in a particular outfit, but you really like one part of it, you can simply say, “What a beautiful scarf,” or “I like that tie!” or “What a pretty color!”

• If you are not glad to see someone, you can still smile and say, “What brings you here today?”

• If you are not doing well, instead of answering, “Fine,” when someone asks how you are and you really do not want to discuss your situation, you can say, “I’m really enjoying being out and about on this beautiful day” or “I am so glad the weather is finally getting milder!”

I cannot overestimate the importance of being straightforward and sincere. Being able to say what you mean and mean what you say is a vital component of a successful life and healthy relationships. If you have ever encountered people who are insincere, you may agree that lack of straightforward honesty is often the first indication that they might not be trustworthy or are not who they say they are.

According to folk etymology, the Latin words from which we get the English word
sincere
are
sine cera,
meaning “without wax.” Apparently, this term comes from an age-old practice common in the production of fine porcelain. Real porcelain pieces can crack during the production process, and dishonest vendors filled the cracks with wax to make them appear as though they did not have flaws in them. Honest vendors, in contrast, displayed signs saying
Sine Cera
to indicate that they sold pure porcelain pieces, not deceptive ones.
¹

A sincere, secure person does not try to cover personal “cracks” or flaws. He or she will respect you enough to be honest and transparent with you and to expect you to do likewise. On the other hand, insincere people try to make themselves appear better than they really are, often because they are afraid of being rejected.

Sometimes people go a step beyond simple insincerity and are downright hypocritical. The Greek root of the English word
hypocrisy
, which is
hupokrisis
, offers a vivid description—an image of a person who pretends to be someone he or she is not and speaks from behind a mask in a theatrical production.
²
In other words, you cannot see who hypocritical people really are because the way they present themselves is deceptive. If you deal with someone who operates this way, hurt and devastation are inevitable.

When you repeatedly sense that a person is insincere or hypocritical, I urge you not to ignore or excuse the behavior, because
an individual who cannot be straightforward and sincere is often incapable of other important relational skills.
When people show you who they are, pay attention!
This is one of the most valuable lessons in this book. A vital key to developing great relationships is to identify people who have the capacity for strong, healthy ones. By listening to what they say and watching how they act, you can learn a lot about them. If someone has trouble being straightforward or sincere, be careful as you move forward with that relationship.

When people show you who they are, pay attention!

Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.

Many people believe that being vulnerable, which is a form of transparency and being real, is foolish and ill-advised. They are convinced that being vulnerable leads to being hurt. This is because they see vulnerability as a weakness that leaves a person open to attack instead of viewing it as a strength that makes a person available for intimacy. In fact, the Google definition of
vulnerable
is “exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”
³
Many times, exposing ourselves to the possibility of harm is the very way we expose ourselves to the possibility of receiving the greatest love, acceptance, and level of relationship we can know. The risk is great, but the reward is greater.

Having the courage to choose to be vulnerable takes a strong, secure, stable person. Doing so requires someone who thinks,
I know I could get hurt in this relationship, but I have made my best possible assessment of this person. This individual has proven
trustworthy thus far, and I believe the positive aspects of a fulfilling relationship with this person are worth risking potential hurt or disappointment.

To have winning relationships, we cannot play offense and defense at the same time. Unless we become vulnerable, we will not be able to enjoy intimate, fulfilling interactions with others. Unless we tear down our walls of self-protection, we will never experience the joy of being truly protected. Building fortresses around our hearts will certainly protect us from being wounded, disappointed, or betrayed again, but it will also prevent us from ever giving or receiving in relationships again—and that would be miserable. Without love and relationships, the human heart shrivels and dies. If we want to live instead of simply exist, we must be vulnerable. Once we are able to become vulnerable, we position ourselves to enjoy deep, intimate relationships.

Learn to be intimate.

In today’s world, intimacy often gets confused with a sexual act or a sexual relationship. But intimacy is much more comprehensive than physical involvement. In fact, physical intimacy does not necessarily include other, more important kinds of intimacy, such as emotional or spiritual closeness. To gain a true understanding of intimacy, we must move beyond limiting it to the physical realm and broaden our understanding of it.

Simply put, to be intimate means to allow yourself to be known—fully and deeply, in every way. I often explain this concept using the familiar saying that intimacy implies “into-me-see.” This means not being afraid to let others see you for who you really are, which is the essence of being real and transparent. It means being honest about your strengths and your weaknesses; it means not trying to hide your flaws and not being bashful about your significant
accomplishments. It also means being open about your hopes and dreams, and about your fears and concerns. In addition, being intimate means consistently offering the real you to another person who is also willing to be real and transparent. To be intimate with another human being is to communicate, in many different ways: “This is who I am. This is everything I am and this is all I am—nothing more, nothing less, nothing better, nothing worse.”

For various reasons, many people fear or avoid becoming intimate with others, and the refusal to be intimate is an enormous barrier to deep, genuine relationships. Sometimes people are afraid to become intimate because they have done so in the past and they have been terribly hurt or even devastated. This is one reason intimacy in all its forms needs to be given time to develop and grow. Intimacy often increases in conjunction with trust and, in fact,
depends
on trust. I urge you never to let intimacy develop faster than trust in any relationship. It is an extremely effective way to keep your heart from being hurt.

All human beings are created for intimacy and even if we fear it, we crave it. The sixteenth-century English poet John Donne wrote: “No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”
⁴
In other words, no one can go through life alone. We need other people, and the more we let them into our lives and are willing to be involved in theirs, the more authentic and trustworthy our relationships will be.

I have observed that the very best relationships on earth exist between people who are intimate with God. I have also experienced this personally. The more intimate a person is with God, the more intimate he or she can be with other people. The first relationship on earth, between Adam and Eve, struggled in this very area (Gen. 3). When Adam and Eve lost intimacy with God, they also lost real intimacy with each other. One result of their sin was that Adam and
Eve began to hide from God and from each other (Gen. 3:7–10). They once enjoyed nakedness in their relationship with each other, but now they have sewn fig leaves together to hide their nakedness. The great “cover-up” in relationships started with them, and the cover-up was a result of a lost relationship with God.

The important point to understand is that people who are not intimate with God will have an extremely hard time being intimate with others. If you are looking for a terrific spouse, friend, employer, or employee, do not hesitate to bring faith into your search. If a person’s relationship with Christ really influences his or her life, it will also affect how he or she behaves in relationships. I know from firsthand experience that people who have genuine relationships with Christ make the best marriage partners, business partners, and friends.

T
HE
B
ENEFITS OF
B
EING
R
EAL

Several years ago I reconnected with someone I knew years earlier in my life. I remembered him as a highly intelligent and principled person. When our paths crossed again, I thought redeveloping our friendship would be good because we shared common interests and pursuits. Early in the newly reconnected friendship, I began to see things in this man’s behavior that did not match my memories of who he was. As I watched him and listened to him talk about how he made decisions, I realized that he seemed to be a different person than he was when I had known him before. He frequently acted without integrity; he often manipulated and misled people; and he displayed a jealous, competitive demeanor toward me. After giving him the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions and hoping he was “just going through a phase,” I ultimately left that relationship
with a heavy heart because I never saw these negative qualities or behaviors in him during our previous association.

No matter how well you have known someone in the past, that person may change over time. People whose motives were pure years ago may no longer operate according to the high standards they once held. Unfortunately, some people’s principles and priorities deteriorate over time, so always take time to reacquaint yourself with people who come back into your life after a season of absence or infrequent communication. Look closely to make sure those people are still who you believe them to be, and move slowly as you rebuild relationships with them to make sure their motives remain pure. When people are not transparent, discerning their motives can be challenging; but when people are real, you can identify their motives quickly.

The word
transparency
basically means “nothing hidden.” In a transparent relationship, everything is clear. In my years as a pastor, many people who have suffered the pain of hurt or betrayal in a relationship have said to me, “I thought he was a good person, but I was wrong” or “I thought she was reliable, but I found out I cannot depend on her.” This almost always happens because the offending person is good at hiding motives. In real relationships, people are not concerned about ulterior motives because of their commitment to transparency. This commitment benefits everyone involved and makes genuine relationship possible.

Being real and transparent in relationships also makes innocence possible and eliminates suspicions. Being real and transparent can restore a childlike innocence and joy to a relationship. Notice that I say child
like
(meaning pure and innocent), not child
ish
(meaning immature). Have you ever watched how children behave in relationships? They can be hurt or angry with a parent one minute and then run to that parent for comfort or help the next. If they like a person, they show it; if they don’t, they try to avoid him or
her. They express their feelings clearly and sometimes intensely. In addition, most children take people and situations at face value, and they tend to trust easily. They bring everything they have into their relationships, holding nothing back. This is one reason childhood conflicts can often be resolved easily, hurt feelings can be mended, and relationships that struggle for brief periods of time over insignificant matters can be restored quickly. We adults could definitely learn some important lessons from the children around us!

Another benefit of being real in relationships is that it allows unfeigned love to exist between two people. Unfeigned love is pure and without hypocrisy or guile. Love that is tentative and vacillating is not love at all; it is manipulation. It promises fulfillment and acceptance but never truly delivers.

Being real also leads to unquestionable trust and unwavering confidence. Author Gary Smalley, in his book
The DNA of Relationships
, has written at length about the “fear dance” that characterizes so many relationships. What he means is that each person involved has some level of fear, and that both parties tend to act or speak in ways that “push the fear buttons” in each other, causing relational strain instead of strength.
⁵
Fear proves a lack of trust. If you are afraid of a person or fearful in a relationship, that’s a danger sign. It means you do not have the trust needed for an authentic relationship. For great relationships to form, people must reach the point where they trust each other implicitly, and that can only happen when everyone involved is being real.

Transparency and realness often produce a type of confidence that will fear-proof a relationship. If someone has been absolutely transparent with me, fear will find no place to rear its ugly head. And when fear is locked out of a relationship between two people who are willing to be real, an atmosphere of confidence, faith, genuine partnership, and true intimacy will reign.

P
UT
Y
OUR
W
HOLE
S
ELF
I
N

You may remember the childhood song called “The Hokey Pokey.” The last verse goes, “You put your whole self in; you put your whole self out. You put your whole self in and you shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around; that’s what it’s all about!”