The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (7 page)

Winning, synergistic friends help you live a life of gratitude.

Do you know there is one sure, certain, never-fail way to guarantee that you are in the will of God? It is to be thankful. First Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” The right friends will inspire you not to simply speak words of appreciation when people do nice things for you but to live a life of thanksgiving to God for all He has done, all He is doing, and all He will do. God responds to gratitude, thanksgiving, and praise, and I wholeheartedly believe that godly success and favor will chase you down when gratitude becomes the fragrance of your life. Surround yourself with people who motivate you to be thankful, and see what happens.

P
REPARE TO
S
YNERGIZE

Now that you know some of the qualities of winning, synergistic friends, I trust that synergistic relationships will be part of your life for the rest of your life. I have rarely seen a truly synergistic relationship develop at random, but I have seen a number of them evolve for people who are prepared for them, and I want you to fall into that category.

Have you ever heard about someone who really, really wants a certain opportunity, perhaps a job with a particular company, and then cannot say yes to that opportunity when it finally comes along? Maybe the person has to turn it down because she is not in a position to make a geographical move and the job is in a city across the country. Maybe someone has wanted to buy a franchise with a partner for years, but cannot do so when the opportunity arises
because he has not saved enough money to invest in it. Situations like these happen frequently, and they are not only sad, they are also often unnecessary.

Missing great opportunities can be avoided when people simply prepare for the things they are hoping for and working toward. I firmly believe that lack of preparation for the future keeps people chained to the past. No one can move forward into better things if he or she is not ready for those experiences. Without adequate preparation even the best opportunities can become overwhelming and frustrating.

If you are serious about your future and your potential, and if you truly believe that God has more for you than you are currently experiencing, then prepare for it. Part of preparing for your future includes identifying the people who will help you get to your God-ordained destination and support you when you reach it. I strongly encourage you to remember and apply the relationship laws in this book every time you meet someone and see potential for a relationship. Make wise choices about the people in whom you invest your time, energy, and heart. And when you have made a great decision, expect the synergy to take both you and your friend farther than you could ever go alone.

B
ECOMING
B
ETTER

If I had to summarize the power and benefit of a mutually beneficial, synergistic relationship in a few simple words, I would say this: it makes you better. The right kind of influence from the right kinds of people can make you more creative, focused, diligent, compassionate, and responsible. It can maximize many of your good qualities and help you improve in the areas that need work.

But I have observed that some people are reluctant to enter into the relationships that will be best for them. Most of the time, they resist because they simply do not want to change. They are comfortable where they are; maybe they even feel their current stress level is all they can handle and they do not want the temporary disruptions of life that can accompany a new relationship, even if it could be the best one they have ever had. When people think this way, they chain themselves to their pasts and they prevent themselves from becoming better.

Let me remind you that every relationship in your life will move you forward or hold you back. In other words, each association can make you better or worse; neutral is not an option. But synergy does more than simply move a person forward. When synergy is positive it moves a person farther, faster. When it is negative, it propels a person backward quickly, often with severe consequences. So when you evaluate potential relationships, look not only for those that will help you advance but also for those that can bring synergy to your life.

Whether a relationship is as intimate and as intense as a marriage or as ordinary and necessary as dealing with coworkers, it will make both parties better if it is synergistic. Synergistic marriages will not only create a joyful environment for husbands and wives, it will make them better partners to each other, better parents to their children, better employees or bosses, and better friends and neighbors. Synergistic work relationships will make everyone involved better citizens of their communities, better stewards of their time, and better human beings.

Many people fear change simply because change means
different
and
new.
But to become better, change is necessary. Think of it this way: a person goes into a store and finds the best-looking pair of shoes she has ever seen. The shoes fit, basically. The fashionable
lady can hardly wait to wear these shoes, but after she puts them on for the first time and wears them for a while, they begin to rub a little blister on her foot. But she likes the shoes so much that she puts on a bandage and keeps wearing them. Within a week or so, the blister has healed and she can wear them with ease
.

A win-win, synergistic relationship works the same way as that new pair of shoes, multiplied by a million. You may have to endure the discomfort of leaving your past behind you, abandoning old ways of doing things, or letting go of relationships that are not beneficial to you. It may not feel good at first. But it is more than worth any short-term twinge of emotional pain. It will catapult you to a new place of greatness and make you part of your very own dream team.

RELATIONSHIP REMINDERS

• Everyone in a relationship needs to win. If one or both parties feel they are losing, they are headed for trouble.

• You can’t run on empty; the people with whom you are in relationship must pour into your life as you pour into theirs.

• Relational health grows and thrives in an environment of mutual benefit.

• The next step beyond mutual benefit is synergy, which enables everyone involved in a relationship to do and be exponentially more than they could do or be on their own.

• Negative synergy is as damaging as positive synergy is helpful in your life.

• Find winning, synergistic relationships.

• Make the effort to prepare for synergy and become a better person.

RAISING YOUR RELATIONAL IQ

1. Given the unique circumstances and specific realities of your life, what would a win-win relationship look like for you?

2. If you could write your own script for a great relationship, what benefits would you want to offer other people, and what benefits would you like others to offer you?

3. Has a one-sided relationship ever drained or exhausted you? Think for just a moment about what you could do with the time and energy you would save if you were to back away from that relationship and invest instead in win-win alliances.

4. Of all the people you know, which two or three do you believe have the greatest potential to become synergistic friends?

5. Consider your hopes and dreams, your goals and desires. How could a synergistic relationship help you achieve them in faster, better ways?

3

Be Like-Minded About What Really Matters

THE LAW OF AGREEMENT

I HAVE AN IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR YOU. How do you make decisions about relationships? Maybe you have never thought about it before, but if you take a moment to consider it now, the answer may surprise you. I have found that some people enter relationships slowly, carefully, and with a great deal of thought and prayer. While these people do exist, they are rare. In contrast, most people form new alliances fairly quickly, without thinking much at all about the potential relationship. They simply meet someone, decide they like or share common interests with that person, and soon develop a relationship on some level. Sometimes this approach works amazingly well; sometimes it leads to disappointment, betrayal, or heartbreak.

One of the smartest moves anyone can make when a potential relationship surfaces is to ask an ancient question that is as relevant and vital to a successful life today as it was centuries ago, when the
Old Testament prophet Amos first asked it. “Do two walk together unless they have
agreed
to do so?” (Amos 3:3, emphasis added).

I believe the first and most important question to ask yourself in every relationship is, “Am I in agreement with this person?” To be in agreement is not to simply think in similar ways or share the same opinions on good food, movies, places of employment, sports, or politics. It is not even to enjoy the same activities or want to achieve the same goals. Certainly agreement in these ways can be a plus in a relationship. But I am talking about the kind of agreement that comes from shared core values and beliefs, agreement that goes beneath the surface of life to the issues and attitudes that really matter. To be in the kind of agreement required for a great relationship is to be mutually committed to the values, foundational issues, and matters of character you regard as nonnegotiable.

To be in the kind of agreement required for a great relationship is to be mutually committed to the values, foundational issues, and matters of character you regard as nonnegotiable.

Walking through life in a meaningful way with a friend, spouse, family member, boss, coworker, or romantic interest is only possible when the two of you can build a relationship on the foundation of agreement in critical areas. This does not mean there is no room for diversity or different opinions on certain matters; it simply means you and the person with whom you are in a relationship place the same degree of value on the issues that are truly important.

Understanding the law of agreement and asking the agreement question is best done
before
you enter into a relationship with someone, because doing so may save you heartache and stress. Thinking through important issues of agreement is also important in your current relationships, because that could explain why you feel uncomfortable or pressured in certain situations—and it could help you know if you need to make a change.

Several areas of agreement are necessary to a strong, healthy, godly relationship: faith, generosity (as opposed to selfishness), and capacity for commitment and personal integrity, which is the most critical of all. Being in agreement on the issue of integrity is so important that when I teach on the subject of relationships, I urge audiences to refuse to walk through life with people who do not possess it. Years of study and pastoral care have convinced me that agreement, especially where integrity is concerned, is the first vital step toward healthy, purposeful alliances with people.

Integrity is critical in every type of relationship, whether it is business or personal, casual or intimate. What exactly do I mean by integrity? I mean a personal commitment to what is right no matter what it costs, an unwavering dedication to truth and honesty in every area of life, and a refusal to compromise. I mean the quality that makes a person completely trustworthy. The thing we must know about integrity is that it does not come and go. A person of integrity cannot turn it off and turn it on. Real integrity means doing the right thing when no one is watching. It means walking the walk 24-7, not just talking the talk to impress other people.

In relationships, commitment to integrity must take precedence over mutual comfort or shared enjoyment because integrity is the foundation of a person’s life. Everything else rises and falls on this one quality. For a relationship to succeed, integrity is
absolutely necessary. If it is present, that person may end up being a high-quality relationship for you. If it is not, the relationship will crumble, and someone will likely be damaged in the process.

Think about it this way. When people decide to buy a house, they often make a list of what they want in a new home. It could include an attached garage, big windows, ample storage space, or high-end countertops. A pool, a nice view, or hardwood floors might also make the list. But one thing everyone wants is a good foundation, even if it is not on a wish list. A firm, solid foundation is nonnegotiable—a no-brainer—because anyone who knows anything about buildings knows that the entire structure is in jeopardy if the foundation is faulty. A well-laid foundation may not be as attractive as crown molding or as fun as a swimming pool, but it is a
lot
more important. It may not be the first thing people look at when choosing a new home, but no one hoping to make a smart house purchase would buy a house without a thorough inspection of the foundation and assurance that it is in good shape.

The same principle applies to relationships. Lots of people can be attractive and seem to be fun, but if they do not have a well-developed sense of personal integrity, I would caution you against buying into a relationship with them. Over time, in the absence of integrity, a relationship will shift, crack, become unsteady, and eventually fall apart.

So how do you know whether a person has integrity? After all, like the foundation of a house, it may not be visible at first glance. It may not show up when you have pizza together or sit around a boardroom table for a meeting, but sooner or later, a situation will arise that will tell you whether someone operates with integrity or not.

F
OUR
I
NGREDIENTS OF
I
NTEGRITY

The best way to know whether someone has integrity is to observe that person in a crisis. Nothing seems to shine a spotlight on a person’s character more effectively than a situation that causes pressure or conflict, or circumstances that present a person with temptation. But while everyone faces difficulties on occasion, and we never wish them on people, we do not want to have to wait around for them in order to catch a deep glimpse into someone’s character. So when you are trying to determine if a person has integrity, look for these four specific qualities. (And by the way, if you are trying to grow as a person of integrity or to raise children or influence staff or coworkers to increase in integrity, these four dynamics are a great place to start.)