The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (6 page)

I have written about the necessity of win-win relationships and the advantages that can result from them, but I need to say, “Wait! There’s more!” You see, some relationships bring “double bonuses” into our lives. These are not inexpensive or gimmicky things, like certain products on TV. These are rare treasures that go beyond win-win and offer even more than mutual benefits do. These are the relationships that maximize our lives. They provide to both our friends and to us an unspeakably powerful and valuable dynamic called
synergy.

Before I define
synergy
, let me say that I believe it was the key to the greatness of the Dream Team; they moved beyond win-win and into synergy. Simply put, synergy means people, groups, or things come together to produce something greater than any of them could ever produce alone. Synergy is much greater than the combination of their abilities; it is win-win in every way, exponentially
.
Synergy is to relationships what multiplication is to mathematics. While 10
plus
10 equals 20, 10
times
10 equals 100.

Relationships that bring synergy to your life will not only be win-win for you, they will add exponential value to you. They will multiply your potential and your impact so your abilities, plans, natural gifts, skills, and everything about your life functions at its optimum.

T
HE
O
NLY
A
TMOSPHERE FOR
S
YNERGY

At the dawn of biblical history, God established an unwavering and vital truth: “It is not good that man should be alone” (Gen. 2:18
NKJV
). This was true for Adam, it has been true for every human being who has lived since Adam, and it remains true for you and me today. In this verse, God committed Himself to make Adam a helper and companion, so He created Eve. I believe God’s message to us through this story is, as it was to Adam, “You cannot do it alone.” Adam could have easily done what so many of us do, saying, “I am strong; I am smart; I know what’s best. I really do not need any help. I’d rather just do it myself.” But God knew that an independent attitude was not good, so He put Adam into an interdependent relationship from the start, letting Adam know that he needed Eve and she needed him. They were to exist in a mutually beneficial, synergistic relationship with each other in the context of shared dependence on God.

In Genesis 1:27 we read: “So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them” (
NKJV
). Immediately, the first thing God said to these two people in the first relationship on earth was: “Be fruitful and multiply” (Gen. 1:28
NKJV
). We do not ever see the terms
win-win
or
synergy
in Scripture, but here in the Bible’s first chapter, the principle is clearly established. God knew mutual benefit and multiplication could only happen in the context of relationship.

Every living being is designed to grow and thrive. Left to grow and increase by ourselves, the process is laborious and lonely, and the results are often unimpressive. But within right relationships lies an immeasurable amount of accelerated energy just waiting to
be harnessed and released—the power that becomes available to us when we connect with others. Synergy is the explosive momentum for growth that occurs once we tap into it. And synergy never happens in isolation; it only exists in relationships.

T
HE
P
OTENTIAL OF
S
YNERGY

The wise and ancient king Solomon understood synergy. He wrote:

Two are better than one,

because they have a good return for their work:

If one falls down,

his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls

and has no one to help him up!

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered,

two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

(E
CCL
. 4:9–12)

Solomon is referring to good, right, win-win, synergistic relationships. All of us know what happens in wrong, bad, losing, antagonistic relationships. When someone falls down, the other person may not have the ability or desire to help him up, and the relationship can be quickly and easily broken. But God-intended, God-designed relationships are filled with benefits for everyone involved. If you look closely at Solomon’s observations, you will
see that when you invest your life in the right people and enter into synergistic relationships with them, you step into a realm of protection, provision, and promotion.

Synergy provides protection.

Have you ever had a moment when you realized you were your own worst enemy? Maybe you ended up with a problem because you did not know any better or you did not have all the information you needed. Or maybe you made a bad decision because you took advice from the wrong person.

In a mutually beneficial, synergistic relationship, you could easily find yourself linked with someone wiser and more experienced than you are, someone who can help you avoid decisions and situations that will destroy your future. You could also develop a synergistic relationship with someone less experienced than you are in certain areas, but who has precisely the words of wisdom or advice you need. Regardless of age or experience, a true synergistic friend will stand with you and provide the protection of companionship and prayer. That person can also offer you the protection of important perspectives that guide your decisions, insights you may not think of on your own.

Synergy brings provision, production, and promotion.

Solomon asks: “Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?” (Eccl. 4:11). I see a broader question here: “How can a person not only keep warm but move forward and grow, alone?” It is not possible! A critical key to seeing increase in your life is refusing to isolate yourself and, instead, joining with other productive, loyal people. So often in life, we end up metaphorically in the cold, broken or stuck
because we insist on going our own way and refusing to allow others to help.

When two people working together are headed in the same direction with the same mind-set, both will reach their destinations faster than they will alone, and each will go farther than they could go by themselves. Each can also provide guidance and encouragement to the other along the way. If you want to be most productive, connect with people who will add value to your life and give you the support, wisdom, and help you need. When you reach a high level of productivity in your life, your chances of promotion will increase. Whether that means a literal promotion in your career or an opportunity for greater influence, enjoyment, or responsibility in some other area of your life, productive people are the ones who get promoted.

As you evaluate current relationships and consider new ones, I urge you to look for people who are headed to the same places you want to go and who understand that unity of heart and mind leads to accelerated progress, provision, and promotion.

Synergy enables prevailing power.

Solomon concludes his remarks on relationships in Ecclesiastes 4 with these words: “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (v. 12). If you have ever found yourself overpowered or overwhelmed, you know that if you are in a situation alone, you can easily believe it will defeat you. But if just one person comes along to stand beside you and support you, your perspective changes. You begin to believe you can win. When other people infuse their faith, their confidence, their wisdom, or their encouragement into your negative situation, those positive qualities grow exponentially. Soon you feel you have a small army on your side and you find your way to victory.

B
EWARE OF
N
EGATIVE
S
YNERGY

I hope you are gaining clear insight into the power of win-win relationships and the positive potential of synergy. I also want you to understand the negative aspect of synergy because, as surely as positive synergy will benefit and elevate you, negative synergy can destroy you.

Have you ever noticed that trouble simply seems to follow certain people or that every time two specific individuals get together, something negative happens? I am sure you have. In fact, many mothers seem to have built-in alarm systems that go off when they hear their teenager is “just going out with so-and-so tonight.” Or maybe your day is going just fine until certain people ask for a ride home from work. By the time you get them home, they have dumped such a load of trouble on you through their words and emotions that your head is spinning! Or maybe you have a family member about whom others commonly say, “You’ll never guess what she’s done now,” and each incident seems to be worse than the one before.

The reason some people constantly seem to exhaust or frustrate us is that we have negative synergy with them. Sometimes that happens because of their personalities or their choices; sometimes it arises because of something in us. Regardless of the reason, we need to be diligent to avoid negative synergy.

Many people, maybe even you, are in unfortunate circumstances today because of past relationships. I know people who have been to prison because they got involved with the wrong crowd, people who had children before they were ready because they stayed in bad relationships, and people who have struggled economically for years because of unwise financial alliances with business partners who did not have integrity. I have never once
heard anyone in any of these situations say, “I just woke up one day and decided to do something that would take my life in a different direction. I just decided to risk going to prison or getting pregnant or losing my life savings.” No, what people tend to say is, “I had no idea I would end up like this. I just got into a relationship and I didn’t realize how bad it was until it was too late.”

Negative synergy is always painful and always lose-lose, but it is nothing new. In fact, the apostle Paul wrote to a group of Christians in Corinth centuries ago regarding a specific matter: “I’m not at all pleased. I am getting the picture that when you meet together it brings out your worst side instead of your best!” (1 Cor. 11:17
MSG
). The NIV translation renders this verse, “Your meetings do more harm than good.” The best way I know to succinctly define negative synergy is to say that it does more harm than good; it brings out the worst instead of the best in people. Nobody wins in that kind of relationship; everyone loses. This is why building mutually beneficial alliances with people and cultivating relationships that bring positive synergy to your life is so important.

F
INDING
W
INNING
, S
YNERGISTIC
F
RIENDS

The only way to build win-win, synergistic relationships is to develop them with the right people. In this section, I want to identify and explain seven qualities of synergistic friends, but first I want you to understand that I use the word
friends
in this context to refer to a wide variety of people to whom you may relate. As you consider these insights, know that they apply to romantic interests, family members, and work associates as readily as they apply to friends.

Winning, synergistic friends encourage greater faithfulness.

The best kinds of friends urge you to obey God’s Word and to seek and follow God in every way. They walk with God in such a way that simply being around them and seeing their lives inspires you to develop a deep, personal relationship with Him. They live lives of love and obedience toward God and influence you to do likewise.

Winning, synergistic friends are character driven.

The right kinds of friends do not need a constant flow of discipline from other people because they are self-correctors. They have a depth of personal integrity and Christian character that will not allow them to behave in disingenuous ways. When you spend time around people who live according to high standards, you will want to live by their values, too, and you will have support in doing so.

Winning, synergistic friends will defend you.

If you have ever heard about a situation in which someone you thought was a friend spoke negatively about you in a conversation, you know that such disloyalty can be extremely painful. If a person does not know your heart and trust your character enough to stand up for you when others speak against you, that person does not add value to your life. The right kinds of friends will know you well enough and believe in you strongly enough to defend you confidently when others speak or scheme against you.

Winning, synergistic friends love God more than they love you.

Throughout this book I emphasize the importance of investing your life in people who put God first. Individuals who truly honor
God and spend their lives developing an ever-deepening relationship with Him make the best kinds of friends. They are the people who will speak the truth to you lovingly when you need it, storm heaven on your behalf when you need God’s help, and stay loyal to you through life’s ups and downs. They are not nearly as concerned about pleasing you as they are about helping you please God.

Winning, synergistic friends urge you to sow.

Scripture is filled with instructions and examples of the blessings of sowing and giving (Job 4:8; Hos. 10:12; 2 Cor. 9:6; Gal. 6:7). Friends who bring synergy to your life understand that sowing is the only way to tap into God’s abundant supply. They will encourage you to sow your time, energy, finances, and other resources into worthy people, places, and activities because they want to see you experience the exponential benefits that result from generous, heartfelt giving.

Winning, synergistic friends are committed to your future, not your past.

I like to say there are three kinds of people in the world: yesterday people, today people, and tomorrow people. Yesterday people are the ones who populated your past and will keep you bound to situations that happened long ago. Today people are in your life in the present, and they are satisfied to live today, not looking back, but not really looking forward either. Tomorrow people have their focus locked on your future and are currently investing their time and energy in your relationship toward where you are going, not toward where you have been or where you are today. Look for tomorrow people because they will be the ones to usher you into your destiny.