The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (11 page)

Maybe you have had a similar experience with people who once ignored or rejected you. When you sense that someone wants your resources, your connections, your abilities, or your influence, put your defenses up and require those people to demonstrate their honorable intentions. If you are one of the millions of people who have had a painful past and then God takes you into a good place, guard it. Do not leave it because people who have never been trustworthy come calling for you. Take the necessary steps to get your heart healed and whole so the wounds of your past do not bind you to the detrimental people of your past. Otherwise, like Jephthah’s, your past may have such a tight grip on you that you return to it and end up paying a tragic price.

God has something good for you. Your past does not define you. It’s time to remember who you are. Regardless of what you have suffered in days or years gone by, no matter what you have done or what has been done to you, a bright future is available. As you trust Him completely and follow Him wholeheartedly, God will lead you into places, opportunities, and relationships that will heal you and set you free from your past, strengthen and restore you in the present, and set you up for tremendous blessings in the future.

RELATIONSHIP REMINDERS

• Remember who you are.

• You cannot erase your past. It will always be part of your personal history, but it does not have to define you.

• To fully embrace the great future God has for you, you must let go of the pain of your past.

• Suppressing the pain of past relationships can damage your present and sabotage potential relationships in your future.

• God has great things for you, but at times those blessings may not be obvious. Be on the lookout for blessings in disguise.

• When people from your past resurface in your life, take time to find out if they are interested in who you are or only in what you can offer them.

• Actively believe that God has good things in store for you.

RAISING YOUR RELATIONAL IQ

1. When you think of the phrase “Remember who you are,” what comes to your mind? The challenge I want to issue you today is not to define yourself in terms of your past. As you think about who you are, the pain of the past is off-limits. So, who are you?

2. When you think about who you really are, the person God has created and ordained you to be, what kind of potential do you have in life, in your career, and in relationships? If you were to fully express who God designed you to be, what would that look like?

3. Have you ever walked away from a potentially good relationship because of something you experienced in the past? How can you keep from doing that again?

4. Who are your “adventurers,” the people God has given to you to provide what you’ve longed for and found lacking in previous relationships?

5. Only you and God know the specific pains of your past, and God wants to heal them. What steps do you need to take to begin your journey into healing? I encourage you to pray about this and seek wise counsel from a trusted friend, minister, or professional. Get a plan for healing and wholeness and stick with it. Stay on the lookout for God to intervene and to lead you in sovereign ways into good places as you trust Him.

5

You Can’t Be Friends with Everyone

T
HE
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AW OF
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ELECTIVITY

THINK ABOUT THE LAST TIME YOU HAD A nice dinner at a new restaurant. Did you order every single item on the menu? Of course not! If you are like most people, you read the menu, found a few dishes you knew you would like, and then chose only one entrée, maybe a salad or an appetizer, a beverage, and perhaps dessert. But you did not ask for one of everything. Eating that much food would have made you sick!

Probably without realizing it, you were practicing the law of selectivity when you made your menu choices. You looked at your options and eliminated some of them immediately because they had ingredients you did not like or could not eat. You narrowed down your choices to just a few things, and when the server came to take your order, you ultimately made a final decision. All kinds of factors may have influenced your choice. Maybe you simply ordered what sounded best; maybe you made a selection that would
be low fat or low carb or low sodium because you knew those would be best for your health. Maybe you ordered chicken or beef because you are allergic to seafood; or maybe your friend wanted to share the meal with you so you ordered something he or she would like.

As you can see, people use all kinds of criteria when choosing what to eat at a restaurant. Whatever they order has to pass some kind of qualifying test (such as flavor or health benefit) before being selected. Because people put their choices to a test, they often end up with a meal they enjoy.

The same basic process involved in choosing something good to eat is the foundation of the law of selectivity in relationships. But while everyone expects to sit down in a restaurant and be choosy, most people do not always think to be selective when developing relationships with others. We have been taught to “be nice to everyone,” and though that is important, it does not mean we should build close relationships with everyone. In fact, the opposite is true. To use an elementary comparison, we need to view the people in our lives almost as we view items on a menu: as options. Then we need to get to know them to see whether they will be enjoyable and good for us. When we determine that certain people will add value to our lives, then we can choose to enter into relationships with them.

L
ESS
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ORE

For years, it seems our culture has been focused on “more.” Anytime we view something as good, we tend to want more of it, expecting that “more” will be better. That is not always the case. Sometimes, as the saying goes, “less is more.” Or to say it another way, quantity does not equal quality.

“Less is more” definitely applies to having quality relationships.
Sometimes people feel good about themselves when they have lots of friends. Having a lot of relationships gives some people a sense of self-esteem, acceptance, or worth. The law of selectivity challenges the notion that the more friends we have, the better our lives will be. In fact, this law proves that in order to build effective, thriving, healthy relationships, we need to learn to choose our friends wisely and make sure they qualify to be our friends, acquaintances, employers, or romantic interests. We are smart not to allow casual relationships to develop unless we have strong reasons to believe those relationships can become healthy and valuable.

I have known so many individuals who were terribly hurt because they were connected to the wrong people. They have been lied to, betrayed, or damaged emotionally in some other way, resulting in deep pain. Almost always, once those relationships fall apart—as they inevitably do—these people suffer guilt and regret because they wasted some of the best years of their lives with someone who never really intended to do them good; that person just wanted to “hang out.”

I have also encountered people of tremendous promise and potential who stumbled in the pursuit of their purpose because they were in relationships with people who stood in their way instead of encouraging them to greatness. In every situation I am aware of, the people involved wish they had known how to be selective and make better choices in relationships. In some cases, people would prefer to have had no friend or associate at all instead of having someone who hurt them or held them back. Even though they wanted support in their journeys through life, they realize they could have moved forward alone, rather than allowing themselves to be restrained by bad relationships. These people now understand on the backside of heartache that less can definitely be more!

Mature men and women recognize that every relationship requires investment and maintenance, and they focus on the substance
of their relationships rather than the number of people they consider friends or associates. They know the truth I have mentioned before: every relationship matters because it can either promote you or it can demote you. Every person you know can have positive or negative impact on you, and knowing how to choose the right people with whom to surround yourself is vital. You are better off having a few great friends than lots of mediocre and detrimental ones.

H
OW
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Y
OUR
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ELATIONSHIPS
A
FFECTING
Y
OU
?

To begin to explain the law of selectivity, I have a few questions for you. As you answer them, think about every relationship you have: your family, your friends, a significant other, your coworkers, someone who mentors you or someone for whom you serve as a mentor, neighbors, and acquaintances. Your answers to these questions may or may not surprise you, but I believe they will definitely help you see why the law of selectivity is so important.

• What unpleasant things are you tolerating or putting up with in your life right now as a result of the relationships in which you are involved?

• Are you currently embracing anything you have never allowed in your life before now because of the influence of someone with whom you have a relationship? What is it?

• What once repulsed you that you no longer resist because you are in relationship with a certain person?

• Are your standards now lower than they once were because of the negative impact of someone with whom you are associated?

The reason these questions and their answers are so important is this: The snapshot of your future is taken with the people of your present. Your today dictates your tomorrow. The people who are in your life right now are setting the course of your next week, next month, next year, and possibly even the rest of your life. The relationships in which you’re currently involved will affect your thought patterns and the outcome of your life.

The snapshot of your future is taken with the people of your present. Your today dictates your tomorrow.

When you understand how critical relationships are to your life, you can begin to see why the law of selectivity is an absolute necessity. Learning to be selective about the people with whom you walk closely will accomplish at least two valuable objectives for you. One, it will empower you to surround yourself with the kinds of people you need to be around—people who will help you advance toward your destiny, not derail or distract you. Two, it will keep you from wasting your most precious commodity—your time—on the wrong people.

U
NDERSTANDING
S
ELECTIVITY

I want to clearly communicate what I mean—and what I do not mean—by the word
selectivity.
Being selective simply means being discerning about the people you allow into the inner circle of your life. It means you are kind, considerate, and friendly to everyone you meet, but you do not want or attempt to develop meaningful
relationships with everyone. Being selective about the people who get close to you does not mean being arrogant, exclusive, narrow-minded, judgmental, or biased; it does not mean judging others or believing you are better than they are. It means you can be gracious and respectful to everyone. You can smile, say hello, and express genuine interest in their well-being while keeping the relationship on a surface level instead of going deeper. Using wisdom and being selective means you are careful and deliberate about building relationships because you understand how important relationships are in your life today and to your future. It means you are not willing to let the wrong people influence you in negative ways.

If you are a Christian, you may be wondering how this idea of selectivity lines up with Scripture. “After all,” you may ask, “doesn’t Jesus command us to love everyone?” Certainly, Christ Himself did love everyone, and the Bible includes several verses instructing us to love one another. We can do this because of the love and mercy of God. At the same time, we do not have to approve of everyone because of the righteousness and justice of God (1 Cor. 5:11). No one is perfect; no one ever has been perfect except Jesus Christ. We need to understand this truth about ourselves and about each other, realizing that there are some people who are good candidates for healthy relationships and some who are not.

S
ELECTIVITY
D
EMANDS
L
OYALTY

Let’s say Mr. Jones is the chief executive officer (CEO) of a corporation and he hires Ms. Smith to be chief financial officer (CFO). Those two executives have a professional relationship that utilizes the law of selectivity. Mr. Jones hired Ms. Smith after a lengthy, thorough interview and reference process. He made sure she was
qualified for the job both in terms of her skill and experience as a CFO and in terms of being a good fit for his company’s goals, priorities, vision, and culture. Ms. Smith, if she’s smart, also did her research on Mr. Jones’s company, making sure it would provide a positive, beneficial work environment.

Once Mr. Jones and Ms. Smith agree upon the terms of their relationship in an employment contract, both of them have responsibilities. One of those responsibilities is loyalty. Ms. Smith is committed to Mr. Jones’s company, which means she is not available to other organizations. She cannot provide financial leadership or advice to a company in her neighborhood or a business run by one of her fellow church members, because she has pledged her loyalty to her current employer. Likewise, Mr. Jones chose to hire Ms. Smith, so he cannot share financial information or ask for input from people who may be excellent financial managers, but are not in a professional relationship with him. Mr. Jones and Ms. Smith chose to work together, and that means they must be loyal to one another.

The connection between selectivity and loyalty is clear in a healthy marriage relationship. When a person chooses a husband or a wife, hopefully he or she is careful, prayerful, and diligent to select a quality human being. Once those two people commit to marry, they cannot have serious romantic relationships or even casual dates with others. Their decision to enter into a long-term, binding relationship requires that they be exclusive and loyal to one another. This same principle applies to any other selected relationship.