The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (25 page)

• Do not assign blame. Take responsibility for your role in ending the relationship and avoid calling attention to the other person’s flaws.

• Share what you have learned from the relationship and what you are grateful for. Be appreciative and thankful—and be specific.

• Create an opportunity for future reconciliation if appropriate. You never know what God may want to do later on, so avoid doing anything that would permanently prohibit the restoration of the relationship in some way at a later time.

• Let the person know you will continue to love him or her. The fact that a relationship is ending does not make the individual a bad person.

What do I tell others about the situation?

When you have been in a close relationship of any kind for a long time, whether personal or professional, people know it. When that relationship comes to an end, they will notice. The best way to respond if they ask about it is to say as little as possible, as positively as possible. For example, you could say something like, “Yeah, we don’t spend as much time together anymore, but I think he’s a great guy,” or “Well, we needed to go different directions, but I sure did learn a lot from her.”

Acknowledge the change, but make that a minor point, while majoring on the positive points about the other person. The principle of loyalty applies even after a relationship ends.

T
HE
R
EST OF THE
S
TORY

Are you wondering what happened to Paul, Barnabas, and John Mark? At the end of the story, Barnabas so believes in John Mark and wants to help him that he leaves Paul in order to do so. The two cousins go on to do effective ministry. Paul chooses as his new colleague a man named Silas, who ultimately will coauthor epistles with him, and who will be significant to Paul’s next level of ministry. One way to look at this turn of events is to say that everyone involved ends up in the relationships they need to be in for their futures.

I also want you to know that something positive happens between Paul and John Mark at some point. No one knows exactly what took place, but they eventually reconciled. How can I be sure? Paul’s own words in 2 Timothy 4:11 make it clear: “Only Luke is with me. Get [John] Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful to me in my ministry.” Enough said.

I pray and believe this will be the case for you—that you, like Paul and John Mark, will be able to move beyond good relationships gone bad and connect with people who will celebrate you, affirm you, and propel you into the future God has for you. If you are mourning the loss of a significant relationship, let me encourage you. The people in your life may change, but God’s purpose for your life will not. Just as He sent Silas to Paul, in His grace, God will send you the right person for your future after you have had to let go of someone from your past—and you will go on to do great things!

RELATIONSHIP REMINDERS

• The fact that a relationship starts out well does not mean it will remain healthy or right.

• When someone who was once valuable in your life displays the following signs, you have strong clues that your relationship may need to end. This person (1) is not able to accept a change in the status or direction of your life, (2) is not loyal and stable under pressure or in the face of challenge, or (3) had once been dependable, but is now unreliable.

• When you have to decide whether or not to end a relationship, first ask yourself if you need to approach the situation as Paul would or as Barnabas would.

• When a relationship is ending, learn how to think about it, what to say to the other person, and how to speak to the people around you about it.

• Even relationships that seem to be over may be restored later.

RAISING YOUR RELATIONAL IQ

1. Have you ever encountered someone like John Mark, a person with whom you had a great relationship at first but who later abandoned you? How did you feel when that person left?

2. Do you see any signs that something is going bad in a current relationship in your life? What do you see?

3. Generally speaking, are you more like Paul or more like Barnabas? Do you tend to distance yourself from
people when they have disappointed you, or do you give them grace? Can you see the value in both ways of dealing with people under different sets of circumstances?

4. If you have reached a point where you need to discontinue a relationship that was once good and valuable, how can you do so in the kindest, most affirming, most loving way?

5. Why is it important to have the right people around you as you move forward into the future God has for you?

12

Kiss Orpah Goodbye

R
ECOGNIZING
W
HO
I
S IN
Y
OUR
L
IFE FOR THE
L
ONG
T
ERM

BEFORE YOU START WONDERING WHY ANYONE would kiss Oprah Winfrey goodbye, take another look at the name in the title of this chapter. It’s
Or-pah,
a biblical character mentioned in the book of Ruth. Maybe you are familiar with the story surrounding her (Ruth 1:1–17), but before I summarize it, I would like to make a point about something you may have experienced.

Have you ever enjoyed a nice cold glass of milk for a few days in a row, then gone out of town for the weekend and on Monday morning, stumbled to the refrigerator, poured yourself a bowl of cereal and milk, taken a bite, and spit it out in the sink because the milk was sour? The milk was fine before you took your trip. It served the purpose of providing you with calcium and other nutrients a week earlier, but now it tastes terrible and can make you sick.

Jugs and cartons of milk have expiration dates printed on them. Those dates let us know about how long we can expect the milk to be good. It should be good for a limited amount of time,
but no reasonable consumer would expect it to remain fresh very long after that time expires.

As a pastor, I have encountered a number of people who cling to bad relationships when they need to let those relationships go because they have served God’s purpose. Most of the time, the problem is that those relationships, like the milk, served a healthy purpose—both parties added value to each other at one time—but then reached a point where the relationship was no longer beneficial. Learning to recognize when a relationship has run its course is a skill that will keep you moving forward instead of trapped in relationships that have lost their value and purpose in your life.

R
UTH
, N
AOMI
,
AND
O
RPAH

A man named Elimelech lived in Bethlehem, in the land of Judah. When severe famine threatened his life and the lives of his family there, he moved them to a nearby country called Moab. While they were there, Elimelech and his two sons, Mahlon and Kilion, died, leaving Elimelech’s wife, Naomi, and the sons’ Moabite wives, Ruth and Orpah, as widows.

In the wake of her losses, Naomi decides to return to her home in Bethlehem. In an emotional exchange, both daughters-in-law say they will go with her, and begin the journey. Along the way, Naomi tries to dissuade them, telling them to stay in their homeland, find husbands, and go on with their lives. Eventually, through tears, Orpah agrees to stay in Moab, but Ruth makes a powerful and passionate commitment to Naomi:

Entreat me not to leave you, or to turn back from following after you; for wherever you go, I will go; and wherever you lodge, I
will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, and there will I be buried. The L
ORD
do so to me, and more also, if anything but death parts you and me. (Ruth 1:16–17
NKJV
)

Several important relational lessons can be learned from the story of Ruth, Naomi, and Orpah, but the one I want to focus on is this: some people are created and intended to be covenant partners in your life, while other people will only be halfway friends. Everyone who comes into your life is not supposed to be a best friend, a member of your inner circle, or someone you trust with your hopes and fears or your joys and sadness.

Some people are created and intended to be covenant partners in your life, while other people will only be halfway friends.

God does bring long-term, deep, dependable friends into our lives. But He also causes us to intersect with people who come into our lives for a specific season or for a particular purpose. He sent Ruth into Naomi’s life to be a lifelong friend and covenant partner. Orpah was only in Naomi’s life because she married Naomi’s son. When he died and no longer bound them together, her season with Naomi came to an end. Her behavior provides a stark contrast to Ruth’s fierce loyalty. Orpah’s eventual willingness to leave Naomi is one of several reasons she is a halfway friend, not a covenant partner.

Failing to understand the distinction between covenant
partners and halfway friends has brought great heartbreak and disappointment to many people. But if we can understand and honor God’s seasons and purposes for each relationship, we and those with whom we relate can enjoy blessing and fulfillment within the context that God has ordained for our relationships.

W
HAT
I
S A
C
OVENANT
P
ARTNER
?

The word
covenant
is not uncommon in Christian circles, but because of its meaning and significance, it is also not one we should take lightly or use flippantly.

A covenant is much more than a promise or an agreement. It is a solemn, serious, unbreakable bond that can exist between God and an individual, as was the case with God and Abraham; between God and a group of people, as we read about in the Old Testament with Israel and with all believers; between two individuals, such as David and Jonathan; or between nations or groups of people, such as Israel and the Gibeonites in Joshua 9.

The first example of a covenant in the Bible is when God makes a covenant with Abraham. You can read the story in Genesis 15. The covenant ceremony through which God took Abraham is rich with symbolism, and like so many Old Testament stories and examples, it has a powerful New Testament application for you and me and all believers today.

The first thing we see in this covenant is the shedding of blood, which is why we sometimes hear the term “blood covenant.” The highest, most powerful, most serious form of covenant is one sealed with blood—and the blood of Christ is what seals our covenant relationship with God today. The shedding of blood demonstrates the strength of a relationship. Throughout history, in
some cultures, people shed their own blood to seal their covenant relationships. They make a small cut, perhaps on their palms, and place a small piece of dirt or something in it so it will form a scar when it heals. This physical mark becomes an outward sign of covenant relationship.

In biblical times, when people were in covenant, the relationship meant, “What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours,” symbolized by the exchange of gifts. This applied to almost everything—to provisions and resources and even to friends and enemies. In other words, if one person lacked food or shelter, he could count on receiving those things from a covenant partner because of the intimate and binding nature of their relationship. Likewise, in a covenant relationship, both parties shared friends and enemies. If an enemy attacked one member of the covenant, the other responded as though the aggression had been personally against him. In the event of an attack, people knew their covenant partners would join forces with them and fight as though the battles were personal.

You may remember that David and Jonathan were covenant friends. This is why in 2 Samuel 9, David, the busy king of Israel, puts everything aside to search for any surviving member of Saul’s family. He didn’t have a covenant with Saul, but he did have a covenant with Saul’s son Jonathan. So he asks, “Is there anyone still left of the house of Saul to whom I can show kindness
for Jonathan’s sake?
” (2 Sam. 9:1, emphasis added). As was common in biblical times, the covenant relationship between David and Jonathan was so binding that it extended to their descendants (1 Sam. 20:14–15, 42). That’s why David made such an effort to find Jonathan’s son Mephibosheth, and move him, his family, and his servants from an uncomfortable life in a place called Lo Debar to his palace in Jerusalem. Simply because Mephibosheth was Jonathan’s son and
Jonathan was David’s covenant friend, “Mephibosheth lived in Jerusalem, because he always ate at the king’s table” (2 Sam. 9:13).

Expressing the gravity and binding nature of biblical covenant is difficult in modern times, when everything from dishes to diapers is disposable. If we get upset with someone, we decide not to be friends anymore. In covenant relationships, entering into a relationship is an extremely serious process, and leaving is almost not an option. It is a situation that has many more benefits than liabilities, but it does require a high level of commitment.

A S
PEAR FOR A
G
OAT
?

You may be familiar with the story of Henry Stanley, an American born in Wales, whose thirst for adventure and skills as a journalist combined to make him an ideal person for his employer, the
New York Herald
, to send on a search for the legendary medical missionary David Livingstone. Livingstone’s mission to Africa was well-known, but people became concerned about him in 1869, because no one had heard from him in more than a year.
¹

One day during the search, Stanley came upon an especially powerful tribe who tried to stop his exploration. At a loss, Stanley asked his guide what to do. The guide replied that Stanley needed to “cut covenant” with the chief, which would require the shedding of blood and an exchange of gifts.
²

Because Henry Stanley had health problems, he had a goat that traveled everywhere with him so it could provide him with milk. The chief wanted Stanley’s goat as a gift, so Stanley gave it reluctantly, knowing he would not be able to continue his exploration if he did not. In exchange, the chief gave Stanley a copper spear, which did not seem very useful to Stanley—certainly not as useful as his goat.