The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (28 page)

Right away, I want to make clear that my use of the word
killing
does not mean physical death. It means emotional death, the loss of life that happens when a situation literally douses your joy, drains your energy, steals your time, distracts you from God’s purpose for your life, dampens your dreams, or robs you of your vitality and zest for life. I am talking about the kind of detrimental relationship that suffocates your heart. Deep down, on the inside of a person, that’s a killer.

The Bible gives us a fascinating example of an emotionally deadly relationship in the account of Abraham and his nephew Lot. You may know their story, but I ask you to view it with fresh eyes as I walk you through it from a relational perspective so you can avoid making the mistakes Abraham made.

Even though Derek and his mother and Tom and Allen live centuries later than Abraham and Lot, the relational dynamics in this Old Testament account are as current as today’s breaking news. In fact, they may be happening to you. They are common, but that does not make them benign. They may be killing you on the inside, but if you can recognize and understand them, you can save your life.

S
HARED
P
AIN OR
S
HARED
P
AST

When two people realize they have something in common, that shared experience, ability, or desire often leads them to believe they should develop a relationship. But I say, “Not so fast!” Sometimes a shared experience does become a starting point for a relationship, but great relationships need to be built on much more than commonalities.

In the case of Tom and Allen, Tom was too protective of his fraternity brother turned employee. Their professional relationship
was built on a common history—their college experience together—and that became detrimental to both of them. Derek and his mother shared the pain of losing Derek’s father.

Abraham and Lot had both shared pain and a shared past. As family members, they certainly spent many days together. Abraham perhaps remembered when Lot was born, and Lot probably had happy memories of times spent with his uncle, Abraham. The two men were also bonded through a shared loss. In their case, it was the death of Abraham’s brother, Lot’s father. This is important because the fact that they were relatives and that they lost a loved one and grieved together became the foundation of a faulty relationship.

We read about Abraham’s family in the book of Genesis. They lived in a place called Ur of the Chaldeans, where Abraham and both his brothers, Nahor and Haran, were born to their father, Terah. Unfortunately, Haran died in Ur while Terah was still living. With his remaining family, Terah set out for the land of Canaan, but stopped and settled before he got there. Some scholars believe Terah named the place where he lived Haran after his deceased son (Gen. 11:31–32). If this is true, it tells us that, in a symbolic way, Terah allowed the pain of loss to paralyze him. He could not move beyond the place of his pain.

Abraham, however, did move on because God told him to leave his country, his people, and his father’s household and go to a land that He would show him (Gen. 12:1). So Abraham left Haran, headed to the place of God’s choosing, and took Sarah and Lot with him (Gen. 12:4–5). Naturally, Abraham took Sarah on the journey because she was his wife, but notice this: God never told him to take Lot.

So why did Abraham allow Lot to go with him? I believe he did it for the same reasons many of us allow our relatives or old friends
to stay close to us: because as family members, Abraham and Lot had a shared past and because they shared the pain of losing Haran. Genesis 11 is clear that when Terah went to Haran, he only took with him Abraham, Sarai, and Lot. This means Lot would have been left alone had he not gone with Abraham. I am sure Abraham hated to see that happen because, after all, Lot was family and the two of them had been through so much together.

Have you ever allowed a Lot to be part of your life simply because of shared hurtful experiences or because he or she has always been there? While similar experiences may serve as a bond between two people in a healthy relationship, shared pain or a shared past is not a good reason to develop a relationship with someone. If you have a relationship that is built on that kind of foundation, it may be toxic. I encourage you to take an honest look at the relationship and make sure it is based on more than common history or hurt. Otherwise that person may become to you what Lot was to Abraham—a big problem.

L
OT
H
AS A
L
OT
OF
N
ERVE
!

Abraham made a bad decision when he allowed Lot to join him on the journey toward the land God had promised him. Nowhere in Scripture do we ever read that Lot made a single positive contribution to the trip toward Canaan or to Abraham’s life. He was nothing but trouble! He added no value to Abraham; he simply drained his uncle’s time, resources, and energy.

During their travels, Abraham amassed considerable wealth as he acquired livestock, servants, gold, and silver (Gen. 12:16; 13:2). Because Abraham was blessed, Lot was blessed too; his prosperity was a direct result of his connection to Abraham.
Both men experienced so much increase that the land could not sustain both of them and their families, livestock, servants, and possessions.

What happens when a space is too small for so many people and so much stuff? A fight breaks out. The quarrel started not between Abraham and Lot but between their herdsmen. Abraham would not tolerate arguing, so he suggested to Lot that the two of them separate. He even allowed Lot to choose where he wanted to go and offered to take for himself the land Lot did not want.

I believe the most significant development in this part of Abraham and Lot’s story is not the fact that they parted ways, but the
reason
they had to separate—the fact that Lot was ungrateful. Had he appreciated everything he gained because of his relationship with Abraham, perhaps he would have approached Abraham in a respectful way and said something like, “We are both so blessed, and I sure appreciate everything you’ve made possible for me. Our land is getting crowded, though, so would it be okay if I move a little bit in whichever direction you think would be best for me? That way, we’ll both have enough space for all our tents and animals and servants.” But he did not. He was eager to take what he considered the best land for himself and let Abraham have the leftovers.

Ungrateful attitudes are not limited to Old Testament times. Maybe you have shared your blessings with someone only to have that person gripe about them. Maybe you have gotten up early to give a coworker a ride to work only to hear complaints that your air conditioner is not very cold on a hot day. Or maybe you have allowed a relative to live in your home for a period of time only to have that person throw a pity party when you announce that you are selling your place because you are getting married or moving to a new city to accept your dream job.

Sometimes, when people do not appreciate the benefits we provide for them, we excuse their behavior with comments such as, “Well, she’s had a hard life. I guess a little complaining is okay,” or “At least now he’s just ungrateful; he used to be drunk all the time!” The truth is, being ungrateful is similar in many ways to being selfish, and it is not acceptable in a healthy relationship. People who are blessed because of your generosity and then have the audacity to complain can be summed up in one word:
takers.
Sooner or later, relationships with takers become unhealthy and ultimately toxic.

One characteristic of a dangerous relationship with a taker is an ungrateful spirit, so be watching for it. For example, if you are considering a romantic relationship with someone, pay attention to the way he or she responds to a server when the two of you are eating in a restaurant. As the server delivers the meal or refills a beverage, does your date act as though it’s the server’s job to cater to his or her needs, or does your date stop talking long enough to say a quick, pleasant “thank you”? In addition, be aware of how people talk about others who provide benefits to them, even if they are grousing about a paycheck for which they have provided honest work. Do they have an air of entitlement and constantly say the pay is too low? Or do they appreciate having a paycheck at all?

The difference between a grateful person and an ungrateful one may seem minor, but it actually provides important insight into a person’s character. The ability to appreciate good things is a positive quality that enhances a relationship. When you encounter someone who is thankful and gracious to others, you may want to keep moving forward with the possibility of a relationship. But when you see ungratefulness arising in someone, beware!

F
OLLOW
Y
OUR
H
EART

Because of Lot’s ungrateful attitude and selfishness, being separated from him was the best thing that could have happened to Abraham. Before we explore that point, let me say that we gain great insight into the character of Abraham and Lot when we examine the choices they made when they went their separate ways. Genesis 13 records what happened: “So Lot chose for himself the whole plain of the Jordan and set out toward the east. The two men parted company: [Abraham] lived in the land of Canaan, while Lot lived among the cities of the plain and pitched his tents near Sodom” (vv. 11–12). This passage does not mean much without a clear understanding of the symbolic importance of Canaan and Sodom. Canaan was God’s promised land, a place of His blessing and abundance. Sodom was the polar opposite. It was a city so full of evil, perversion, and degradation that God eventually destroyed it.

Remember, Lot “chose for himself” the land of Sodom. This is significant because it reveals Lot’s innate attraction to evil. His heart was drawn toward immorality and wickedness; his character was so appalling that the things that offended God appealed to him.

Abraham, on the other hand, had a heart to obey God. He did not always behave perfectly, but God looked at his heart and saw character that pleased Him. In Scripture, Abraham is even called God’s friend and is mentioned as a righteous person (2 Chron. 20:7; James 2:23). Clearly Abraham loved God and was serious about pursuing God’s promise to him.

The relational principle we must understand from this part of Abraham and Lot’s story is this: people gravitate toward the situations and activities that represent what’s in their hearts. When
assessing current or potential relationships, we must ask the question, “Does this person gravitate toward the same things I’m drawn to?” The question is not meant to figure out whether the two of you have identical emotional DNA; it is intended to help you discover whether or not the two of you are walking in agreement in values, convictions, matters of character, and priorities—a subject covered in
chapter 3
.

We must be aware of the things to which people gravitate, because that gives us tremendous insight into the heart of a person. In relationships, we operate on the level of the heart whether we realize it or not. We do not relate to people based on what they say, think, or do. Instead we relate to who they are in their hearts, because everything else comes from that place (Prov. 4:23). When emotional poison is in the heart of a human being, he or she has nothing but toxicity to offer a relationship.

T
HE
S
ILENCE
I
S
D
EAFENING

An interesting thing happened to Abraham while he was dealing with Lot: he not only suffered damage emotionally, he also began to “die” spiritually because he could not hear God’s voice for a period of time, and God’s voice had always been a source of life and strength for him. Nothing is as encouraging, as powerful, or as comforting as hearing God’s voice. And nothing is as frustrating as feeling that God is distant or uninterested in you because you can’t sense His presence or His leading in your life. If you have ever experienced this, you know how difficult it is, and you know how Abraham felt when it happened to him.

One of history’s most vivid, powerful instances of God’s speaking to a human being occurred when He said to Abraham:

Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you. (Gen. 12:1–3)

To say the least, this encounter with God was a defining moment for Abraham. It gave him hope, purpose, and direction. He did not know exactly what God would do, but he had a promise he could build his life upon—a promise that could guide his decisions. Abraham knew God’s voice intimately. He had heard God speak about the situations that mattered most to him, making him a promise that exceeded everything he could imagine.

And then, silence.

God did not speak to Abraham again until after he and Lot separated (Gen. 13:14). This is a stunning illustration of a crucial principle to live by as you enter into new relationships and grow in existing ones: having the wrong people in your life may not only damage you emotionally, it can keep you from hearing God’s voice and receiving His guidance. Being involved in a toxic relationship can put you in a holding pattern, unable to fulfill your destiny. This is a strong statement, I know, but Scripture affirms it, and I have seen it happen time after tragic time in people’s lives.

Being involved in a toxic relationship can put you in a holding pattern, unable to fulfill your destiny.

In fact, one of my colleagues once reached a point when his entire life came to a complete stop and he seemed on the brink of losing everything. When he prayed about his circumstances, he realized he had to sever a significant personal and professional relationship. Soon, God began to open astounding doors for him. Within a few short months of walking away from this toxic relationship, God miraculously brought not one, but
two
lifelong dreams to pass for him. I cannot overemphasize the fact that having the wrong people around you can prevent you from fulfilling God’s plans for your life. The presence of even one individual who should not be with you can keep you from reaching your destiny and hinder the fulfillment of your overall purpose.