The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (30 page)

When you set boundaries in relationships, you set limits that will keep you healthy and keep other people from taking too much of your time, energy, or resources. Boundaries help people understand how far they can go with you, and communicate what you will and will not allow. People who are like Lot and have tendencies to use or take advantage of others to the point that it damages them will not set boundaries for you. You have to set them for yourself and let people know where your limits are. I would like to suggest some boundaries for you to consider. You may want to establish others based on your personal circumstances.

• Limit the amount of time you will spend each week with the person who could kill you emotionally.

• Limit the activities you will facilitate for this person. For example, you could say something such as, “I will take you to your AA meetings; I will not take you to the liquor store.”

• Do not feel guilty if you must change plans occasionally with an unhealthy person. For example, if you are sick and need to stay home instead of taking her grocery shopping, simply let her know. Then take some medicine and go to bed!

• Clearly communicate to this person that you are not his or her go-to friend, family member, or coworker when he or she makes bad decisions.

• In an appropriate way and with wise boundaries, share the focus and direction of your life with this person; clearly state that you will not tolerate or support actions or behaviors that distract you from the direction in which you are heading.

• Set clear expectations for values and behavior that must be respected when you spend time with this person.

I hope this chapter has helped you identify people with whom you could be in toxic relationships and to understand how important it is not to allow them to damage you emotionally. God has awesome plans for your life. Keep your heart fully alive so you can enjoy them!

RELATIONSHIP REMINDERS

• When God calls you to help someone, be obedient but be wise.

• Don’t allow yourself to help people God doesn’t assign to you because, emotionally speaking, helping them could “kill” you.

• Don’t be afraid or reluctant to leave a relationship if it becomes unhealthy. Don’t let feelings of misplaced guilt or sympathy keep you from making a good choice for yourself.

• Stay away from relationships that could hinder your pursuit of God’s purpose or keep you from fulfilling your destiny.

• Realize that every relationship you have affects other people in your life, and that the relationships they have affect you.

RAISING YOUR RELATIONAL IQ

1. Have you found that trying to help someone was good for that person but detrimental to you? What did you learn from that experience?

2. Which relationships in your life are based on shared pain or a shared past? What do you share, and why is it so powerful?

3. In your relationships with people who share your past or your pain, do you see signs that any of these relationships are or could become toxic? What do you see?

4. Are you currently helping anyone who does not appreciate your assistance? Why is a lack of gratitude a bad sign?

5. How do you think wrong relationships actively interrupt or oppose God’s plans for your life?

6. Is someone in your life right now displaying any of the eight indicators of a toxic relationship? How can you begin to set limits and keep that person from hurting you emotionally?

7. What kinds of boundaries do you need to set with certain people in order to protect yourself emotionally and to stay on the path of destiny God has laid before you?

PART 3

Essentials of Great Relationships

AT THIS POINT IN THE BOOK, YOU HAVE BEEN exposed to the critical laws of relationships, learned to identify relationships that need to come to an end, and gained skills for drawing those relationships to a close wisely and lovingly.

In
part 3
of this book, I want to explore some additional ideas, principles, and truths necessary for great relationships. You realize by now that great relationships do not appear quickly on the landscape of your life. They require time, effort, and skill. They also require a deliberate process, one that the story of Elijah and Elisha will make clear in
chapter 14
. The process of great relationships is not always easy, but it is worth the investment it requires.

Another essential ingredient of great relationships is being healed from the pain of bad relationships. One of the most hurtful relationships anyone can endure is to be spurned or rejected by
someone significant. The Song of Songs offers tremendous insights into ways a person can be healed of a lovesick heart, avoid painful situations of unrequited love or unappreciated interest in the future, and find the only lasting love worth having.

14

The Journey Matters

UNDERSTANDING THE PROCESS OF GREAT RELATIONSHIPS

IF YOU WERE TO ASK ME TO LIST THE BIGGEST relational mistakes I hear about in pastoral ministry, I would have to include this: “I gave too much too soon.” I know what that means, and I am sure you do too—perhaps from personal experience. It means someone moved too fast and gave too much time, too much information, too much energy, or too much of his or her heart to a person who did not prove trustworthy. This happens when junior high school students fall into puppy love for the first time (or when people who haven’t seen junior high for years meet someone who sweeps them off their feet). It also happens when eager employees finally land dream jobs, or when mothers of infants or toddlers are hungry for adult conversation and meet new friends with young children. And it takes place when business owners identify promising new clients or when committee chairs find people who are eager to serve.

I have had several experiences involving giving or being tempted to give too much too soon. One was particularly disappointing. I remember my great excitement and high hopes when a man named Robert agreed to join my staff. His credentials were excellent, and I was happy and thankful to know he was qualified to take some of the responsibilities I carried at the time, freeing me to focus more intensely on the areas to which I felt called in that season of ministry. Everything I had heard about Robert, my interview with him, and the correspondence we had exchanged indicated he would be ideal for the position I needed to fill. I also felt that the working relationship would not only be positive but synergistic.

Almost immediately when Robert came to work, he wanted access to my family and knowledge of every area of my life. By this time, I had learned the hard way that I had to protect my family and myself from people who had not earned my trust. I was kind but firm as I refused to allow him what he wanted. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, thinking,
Maybe he’s acting this way because he’s new in town and he doesn’t really know anyone yet. Maybe he doesn’t understand that I am his boss, not his buddy. And maybe he doesn’t realize that I am very careful about exposing my wife and children to people I don’t know well.

In the earliest days of our association, I was not completely comfortable with Robert because I felt he wanted too much too soon from his association with me, but I hoped we could resolve that and find our way to a healthy professional relationship. As we worked together, I soon noticed that he mishandled every single situation I delegated to him. Still, over a period of months I was willing to try to develop a positive relationship that would enable Robert to fulfill his potential and live up to the hopes and expectations I had of him.

Suddenly, one day, Robert resigned his staff position and left
the relationship. The reason? It was not a disagreement over pay or hours or job description. He left because he was so frustrated that I refused to become his best friend overnight and I did not give him immediate access to my family and to all areas of our ministry. My disappointment was almost indescribable when I realized that he had never intended to serve the ministry, support me, or bless the people to whom our ministry is dedicated. He had only wanted to ride my coattails.

I am thankful I did not give Robert what he wanted. By that time in my life, I had learned a vital lesson about relationships: the journey matters. We
must
go through some things with people in order to develop authentic relationships with them and know who they really are. Great relationships are not born overnight. They take time, but they are worth it.

Great relationships are not born overnight. They take time, but they are worth it.

A W
ORD AND A
P
ERSON

Ever since the beginning of time, when God has wanted to accomplish something, He has consistently used two critical components: His Word and a person. If you take a close look at Scripture, you will see that everything God has done from creation onward, He has done through His Word and a human being. Consider these significant works of God throughout history:

• preserving humanity and animals in the Flood through Noah

• the birth and growth of God’s people through Abraham

• freeing His people from Egyptian slavery through Moses

• leading His people into the promised land through Joshua

• the rebuilding of the walls around Jerusalem through Nehemiah

• bringing salvation to the Gentiles through the apostle Paul

• redeeming humanity through Jesus Christ

The principle of the partnership between God’s Word and a person is well established in Scripture. It means that whenever God wants to bless one person’s life (including yours), He will do it through His Word and a person. God will intentionally place people in your life for the sole reason of blessing and elevating you, just as He has done for generations. Think about it: Jacob was blessed because of Isaac, Joseph was blessed because of Pharaoh, Joshua was blessed because of Moses, Samuel was blessed because of Eli, and David was blessed because of Jonathan. Each of these relationships has its own fascinating story, but I simply want to emphasize the point that in each one of them, the people had healthy relationships with each other. The relationships were not casual—they were deep. They were not always easy, but they were real. In order for people both in biblical times and today to enjoy healthy relationships, certain characteristics and attitudes must be present and a process must be allowed to unfold.

A P
ROTOTYPE FOR
H
EALTHY
R
ELATIONSHIPS

God wants to bless and promote you through people He sends into your life—people who are destined to elevate you. For the increase He desires to become a reality, your relationships with these people must be healthy. They cannot be casual. They cannot be built on
false pretenses or include pockets of dishonesty or disrespect on any level. The associations that will take you to the next level in your life have to be pure, solid, deep, and full of integrity.

Many people have missed the blessings and the great things God wants to do in their lives because they are not willing to establish the right relationships with the right people in the right ways. Cultivating these kinds of associations with people requires a combination of attitudes and actions that lead to relational health and ultimately to personal growth and advancement.

Scripture provides us a tremendous example of two people who developed and sustained a healthy relationship. In 1 Kings 19 and 2 Kings 2, we see that the young prophet Elisha wants to establish a relationship with the older and more experienced prophet Elijah. This relationship will be critical to Elisha’s future. He will end up being blessed in extraordinary ways because of Elijah. During the course of his ministry, he will perform twice as many miracles as Elijah and enjoy the “double portion” he requests. But this relationship that so blesses Elisha’s life requires several things of him: commitment and respect, desiring the best for his mentor, an active involvement in something positive, a capacity for healthy relationship, a willingness to deal with unpleasant situations, and the willingness to sacrifice for something new and different. Likewise, the relationships that will raise your life to a new level and usher you into great blessings will require some investments of you.

Great relationships require you to prove your commitment and respect.

The significance and benefit of the relationship between Elijah and Elisha is revealed in a powerful conversation between the two men. Elijah asks, “Tell me, what can I do for you before I am taken from you?”

Elisha immediately makes a huge request: “Let me inherit a double portion of your spirit” (2 Kings 2:9).

Elijah does not say okay right away. Instead, he answers, “You have asked a difficult thing . . . yet
if you see me
when I am taken from you, it will be yours—otherwise not” (2 Kings 2:10, emphasis added).

What does Elijah really mean when he says, “If you see me when I am taken from you”? Does he mean, “If you just happen to be around when I die, you can have the double portion”? I don’t think so. He is saying so much more. He means, “If you are around me at the end of my life because you have walked with me over the years, because you have made a habit of spending time with me, because being together is a priority in your life, because we have had a deep, solid, genuine, healthy relationship for a long time, then no doubt you will be with me in the end. If you are still there, if your loyalty remains strong, if you are still watching me, you will be with me when I leave this earth, then what you ask can happen. You will be in position to receive the double portion.”

Elijah understands the power of commitment, and that is what he is communicating when he says, “If you see me.” He knows Elisha’s best chance to “see him” when he dies is to stay faithful and committed as a friend until the very end. Similarly, the healthy relationships in your life will involve a significant element of commitment. That will mean staying in relationship when doing so is easy and when it is grueling. It will require the refusal to abandon or forsake a friend, spouse, family member, or colleague in the moments when you really want to run from the relationship. I do not ever recommend staying in a relationship that is abusive, but I do understand that all relationships have seasons of difficulty. One mark of a healthy association is the ability to stay committed through tough times. Great relationships are not built on good
times alone, and they do not develop quickly. They take time, and that time needs to include challenges because challenges are incubators for growth, strength, and trust. A substantive, healthy relationship will weather storms and trials, and it will stand strong over a long period of time because everyone involved is committed.