The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (33 page)

To assess the beloved’s response bluntly, she really is not interested in seeing her lover. She does not want to be uncomfortable or inconvenienced, while he is up late at night making an effort to see her. She has no idea how much he loves and longs for her; she just wants to stay in bed. She does not want to leave her comfort zone and she has no idea how hurtful that is to the man so persistently pursuing her.

French philosopher Blaise Pascal said, “The heart has its reasons, which reason does not know.”
³
This means love causes people to do things they normally would not do. Love causes people to go out of their way, to sacrifice and stretch on behalf of the other. In a healthy relationship, both people involved go to great lengths for the other. Lovesickness occurs when only one person is willing to make such effort, while the other person is unwilling to be inconvenienced or made even a little uncomfortable.

When my coworker Belinda worked in the public relations field, she had a project on a particularly tight schedule. She and her team worked feverishly and frantically to finish a promotional piece in time for a big event where her client was scheduled to appear. For her client, a rising star in his field, this opportunity could significantly raise his visibility and credibility within his market. When the piece was just moments away from completion, someone raised an important question about some of the facts and figures it included. When Belinda called the client, needing immediate clarification, the client responded nonchalantly, “Hmmm. I don’t really know about that without looking it up. Right now I’m watching my favorite TV show. I’ll get back to you later this afternoon.”

Numerous people had sacrificed and truly gone the extra mile to make sure the client had his advertising piece for his event. The tight schedule did not allow for an extra few hours on the day it needed to go to production; it did not even allow for an extra thirty minutes. The team needed their answer right away in order to finish the job and not miss the event, but the client did not want the inconvenience of interrupting his television show.

Though the public relations team and Belinda certainly were not “in love” with their client, they had invested a tremendous amount of creativity and energy to satisfy him. When they realized they seemed to care more about meeting his deadline than he did, they regretted
working so hard and sacrificing so much on his behalf. Their story teaches us an important lesson: when we really believe in something or really yearn to have people in our lives, we need to pay attention to their responses to us, especially if we sense that our efforts to build relationships are inconvenient for them. People who qualify for great relationships are glad to accommodate us whenever they can. We will feel comfortable, welcome, and valued in their presence.

S
HE
D
OES
N
OT
V
ALUE
H
ER
L
OVER
’
S
I
NTEREST OR
P
RESENCE

When the beloved finally gets out of bed and goes to the door, something surprising has happened. She says, “I opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone.” Yes, her lover, who had been patiently knocking and waiting for her, finally had enough. By the time she decides to respond to him, he is gone. She does not value her lover, nor does she value his interest in her at that time. In addition, she does not value his presence as he longingly tries to see her. He makes a serious effort for her, but she has no enthusiasm for him. Eventually, he gives up on her.

Remember, lovesickness happens because one person has been giving everything to the relationship while the other person has been withdrawn or unwilling to be inconvenienced. Often a funny thing happens within a lovesick relationship. After the person who gave so much decides to “check out” emotionally or leave because his or her feelings have not been reciprocated, that seems to be the moment the other one is finally ready to respond. The problem is, by that time it is usually too late.

We have heard the phrase “timing is everything.” That also applies to relationships. In fact, timing is one of the most important
components of any relationship. Everyone involved in relationships needs to understand that people will not pursue others without limits; after a while they will move on. People need to understand that others will not pursue them infinitely; they will eventually find someone else. We need to be respectful of other people’s feelings; that includes being respectful of the timing of their emotions and realizing that at some point, whatever the situation is, the clock will run out.

In the early days of my ministry, I did a lot of biblical relationship counseling. Troubled couples often shared with me situations in which one person had wholeheartedly poured himself or herself into the relationship and had given everything possible to the other person, who did not seem to notice. When the one who invested so much finally became exhausted and gave up, the other one seemed to snap to attention and be ready to make meaningful investments in the relationship. The problem was, the timing was bad. The other person had already spent so much time waiting and investing in the relationship that he or she was out of patience. It was not the right time to reinvest. The right time would have been months or years earlier. The emotional and relational dance that takes place in situations such as these is dizzying. When you are ready, the other person is not ready. When the other person is ready, you are not. Back and forth. No wonder it makes a person lovesick!

If you have ever been in a relationship in which you give your love, your heart, your time, or your energy to someone who does not reciprocate, you can probably understand why the lover in Solomon’s story and the people I counseled gave up after a while. The fact is, pursuing someone can be exhausting! If you have ever pursued another person and been resisted or rejected, you can understand why the lover left. When someone does not value your presence, you have to decide whether to keep trying
to make a relationship work or to walk away. Most of the time, continuing to put your heart and soul into that endeavor becomes counterproductive.

Because the beloved did not value her lover’s presence, she did not receive everything he could have given her. She says, “My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening” (5:4). That tells me she only got a small part of him. She saw only his hand when she could have had so much more. When people do not feel valued, they begin to withhold parts of themselves from relationships. Maybe you have done that. Maybe you know how terrible it feels to know you are not a priority in the life of someone who is extremely important to you. That’s how the lover felt, and his feelings, like yours, were understandable.

Perhaps you have read this entire book wishing the lessons you have learned would work in a certain relationship in which you feel hurt and devalued. Those emotions are reasonable and understandable. The desire to be valued is healthy and normal. Being frustrated when you feel you are exhausting yourself for someone is also perfectly acceptable. Everyone has legitimate, God-given needs, and relationships are designed to meet those needs. But those needs are only met in fulfilling ways as we allow God to meet the needs He is supposed to meet and allow others to meet the needs they are supposed to meet. With God’s help, your heart can heal from the pain of not having important needs met, and you can develop healthier relationships in the future.

T
HE
C
URE FOR
L
OVESICKNESS

The betrayed ex-wife of South Carolina governor Mark Sanford told Dr. Phil McGraw in May 2010 that she would be open to another
romantic relationship, as long as she picked a man who could “love me back.”
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How many people have that attitude? And how many people fail to feel “loved back” because they themselves have never been taught how to have healthy relationships? The truth is, no boyfriend, girlfriend, or marriage partner can meet the relational needs that God alone can fulfill.

We usually attribute the pain of being lovesick to the relationship between a man and a woman. We need to understand that the fifth chapter of Song of Songs, as an allegory, is also a picture of how God feels about us. He is lovesick for us! These verses are about much more than a love relationship between a male and a female; they have profound spiritual and relational significance for us.

Revelation 3:20 paints a picture of another Lover standing at a door and knocking. Christ is the Lover, and the door represents the human heart. Revelation 21:9 reveals that those who believe in Jesus Christ are, collectively, His bride. No matter who we are or what we have done, He is patiently wooing us, asking us to allow Him into every area of our lives, and longing to enjoy a deep and personal relationship with us. Unlike the lover in Song of Songs, Christ will never grow weary of pursuing us. He will knock and wait until we answer. When we do open our hearts to Him, He will give us a quality of relationship no human being can ever provide, and He will bless in ways we could never imagine.

T
HE
V
ERTICAL
F
ACTOR

One benefit we receive from God is genuine, unconditional love. He loves us perfectly and accepts us completely. This is the vertical
aspect of relationship; it goes up and down, between God in heaven and us on earth. We can gain great insight into the way God sees us by looking at the way the lover addresses his beloved. He says, “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one” (Song 5:2).
Sister
,
darling
,
dove
, and
flawless one
each reveal something important about our vertical relationship with God and something specific about the way He feels toward us.

My Sister

The word
sister
represents family. In God’s family, which includes all believers, male and female, He is the Father and we are His children. According to Romans 8:15–16, He has adopted us as His own sons and daughters: “You received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, ‘Abba, Father.’ The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God” (
NKJV
).

If you have a wonderful biological family, you may be able to easily understand and embrace the family of God. If your earthly family was or is filled with strife, disappointment, or pain, you can take comfort in knowing that God’s family is a place where you are wanted—a place of love, hope, healing, and strength. He is a perfect Father, and His desire is to surround you with love, approval, and unconditional acceptance.

My Darling

The word
darling
connotes deep affection and intimacy. It is a term of endearment—one that conveys great love. God is so in love with you, and you are so important to Him, that you are the apple of His eye (Psalm 17:8) and He has your name engraved on the palm of His hand (Isa. 49:16). As author Max Lucado says in this familiar quote, “If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.”
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The prophet Zephaniah crafted a beautiful word picture about God’s love when he wrote: “The L
ORD
your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing” (3:17). In Hebrew, these words evoke the image of God dancing and spinning with joy over the people He loves. That includes you!

My Dove

The dove is a well-known symbol of peace. Maybe you have received Christmas cards featuring drawings of doves and including the words “Peace on Earth.” Or maybe you know that in military and political circles, a “hawk” is a person who is eager to go to war, while a “dove” is a person who prefers and pursues peace.

The beauty of being loved by God is that He brings perfect peace to your life. That God sees you as His dove is extremely powerful if you think about its ramifications. I know you are aware that relationships can be the sources of tremendous hurt and frustration. Sometimes being in a certain relationship feels like living in a war zone every day. The drama some people can bring into your life can be staggering. God is completely drama-free; He brings peace, not turmoil, into every situation. He settles things down instead of stirring them up!

Relationships can also involve a good bit of unpredictability and uncertainty, and that can keep you uptight. God will never stand you up, and He will never let you down. He never changes; He does not act one way one day and another way the next. Hebrews 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” That means you can absolutely count on Him, and you can count on His love to be constant and strong all the time. That steadiness infuses your life with peace.

If you feel your life is spinning out of control, continually
presenting you with unexpected challenges, or filled with drama, the one relationship that will calm your internal storms is your relationship with God. If you focus on growing your relationship with God, not only will your other relationships improve, but an unprecedented sense of peace will blanket your life.

My Flawless One

Have you ever thought of yourself as flawless? Some people think of themselves as perfect from a worldly perspective, and that often leads to arrogance and gets them in trouble. Other people cannot imagine considering themselves to be flawless because they are painfully aware of their many faults and shortcomings. People who think they are perfect in a worldly sense and those who believe they are terribly flawed are both wrong. The truth is, we all sin, we all make mistakes, and we are all works in progress—and works in progress can be messy before they become beautiful.

Regardless of your mistakes and your messes, God calls you His “flawless one.” He is not focused or fixated on your sin; He sees you as absolutely perfect. He sees you that way not because of anything you have or have not done, but because the shed blood of Jesus Christ wipes away every sin and fault. His sacrifice makes you righteous, acceptable, and perfect in God’s eyes.