The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (31 page)

Sometimes people stay committed in relationships for the wrong reason. They know they can benefit from another person, so they contrive a false kind of loyalty designed to get them what they want. This is both wrong and unhealthy. In a healthy relationship, commitment is based on respect.

A truth about great relationships is that one person cannot disrespect another and also expect to receive from that person. Disrespect, dishonor, and disregard have a way of canceling any potential benefit of a personal or professional association. The only way to receive from people is to respect them.

Great relationships require you to want the best for the other person.

When Elijah speaks to Elisha about his departure from his mortal life, he refers to it as being taken up from him. Literally, Elijah “went up to heaven in a whirlwind” (2 Kings 2:11). Sometimes in relationships, one person is “taken up” or elevated, figuratively speaking. Perhaps one coworker gets a raise or promotion that someone else wanted; maybe one spouse gets a great opportunity or chance for visibility while the other one must stay behind the scenes. Maybe someone’s child gets a full scholarship to college while other parents must work hard at difficult or low-paying jobs to fund their child’s education. Life is full of opportunities for increase in every arena. Unhealthy relationships may crumble under the pressure of promotion, but as I mentioned in the chapter on Paul and John Mark, healthy ones survive and even thrive in the wake of it.

The key to maintaining a healthy relationship when one person has something wonderful happen and the other does not is to refuse to be jealous. If you are the one who feels left behind when a spouse’s, colleague’s, or friend’s dreams come true (especially if you have those same dreams), then fiercely resist the temptation to envy. Instead, even if it stings a little, bless, encourage, support, and cheer for the other person. Celebrate his or her victory and determine to continue walking closely with that person. Don’t be untrue to yourself by denying your disappointment, but do not jeopardize an otherwise great relationship by letting something as petty as jealousy come between you and another person.

I have seen numerous people absolutely destroy good relationships by allowing jealousy to take over their hearts. In healthy relationships, both people can be mature enough to be champions for the other, to spur each other on to greatness, to rejoice in the good things that happen to each other, to realize that God is moving both people forward (just maybe on different schedules), and to enjoy the favor of God together when it comes to one of them.

Great relationships require you to be actively engaged in something positive.

Most of the time, people who have healthy relationships also have active, healthy lives. They do not sit around hoping for a dream job, a great opportunity, or for Mr. or Ms. Right. They refuse to delay their lives passively by waiting for something wonderful to happen; they get busy making things happen. They invest their time in things that are fruitful and productive, making the most of every minute.

There was a time in Elijah’s life when he was tired and a bit discouraged. God speaks to him in his weariness and despair, directing him to “anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed
you as prophet” (1 Kings 19:16). Elijah soon finds Elisha and throws his cloak on him, a gesture indicating that he has chosen Elisha as his successor. At the time he receives Elijah’s cloak, or mantle, Elisha is active and engaged in the positive work of plowing a field.

We see this principle of people being busy and occupied with valuable work when God calls them in Moses, Gideon, Jesus’ disciples, and others throughout Scripture. So many people who have been called into greatness have been summoned to it while doing what they needed to do.

Most people want a lot out of their relationships, but many have adopted a passive posture. One of the keys to being able to enter into a strong, healthy relationship is to be actively engaged in your life before the relationship you desire comes along. Scripture affirms that God’s blessing and favor tend to connect with people who are moving forward, not those who are sitting still. Naturally speaking, the same is true. Often, people do not want to get involved with those who are not making progress in their lives. God and others need to see that your life is advancing and that you are busy doing what you know to do. God and the people around you are looking to see that you are living the kind of life worth investing in and that you can be trusted to act and obey when He calls you into your next synergistic relationship.

Great relationships require you to demonstrate the capacity for healthy interaction.

Do you see what Elisha is doing when Elijah finds him and throws his cloak on him? He is plowing with twelve yoke of oxen and he himself is driving the twelfth pair. That’s hard work! But more than being a wearisome task, driving a yoke of oxen is a humble job. Elisha is not out in front, nor is he overseeing the plowing efforts; he is doing manual labor behind the oxen and doing it
in such a way that no one will notice him. He calls no attention to himself; he simply does the work he needs to do. This tells us Elisha can accept not being in the spotlight; he is content to let Elijah shine and succeed. Even though he will go down in Christian history as a mighty prophet, he has no need for visibility and acclaim.

We can all learn from Elisha’s example. Just as he was comfortable in Elijah’s shadow and sought no publicity for himself, if we are going to have healthy relationships, we, too, must be content to stand in the background or to walk steadily beside others, not needing attention or applause. In great relationships, people really are not interested in competing with one another, and there is not much room for ego.

Great relationships require you not to mind getting dirty.

Can you imagine what it was like to walk behind a team of oxen in the dusty muck of a field? The fact that Elisha seems comfortable plowing behind farm animals leads us to believe he must also have been accepting of the fact that sometimes people have to work through a mess. This is true physically but it is also true relationally. Relationships are not perfect because people are not perfect. Every relationship has its challenges, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and crises. Even healthy relationships will not be perfect. They may be healthy, but the people involved will have to work hard and deal with unpleasantness at times.

The important thing to do when relationships encounter difficulties is to learn to distinguish between healthy messes and unhealthy messes (see the section titled, “You Can’t Run on Empty” in
chapter 2
). I have heard many stories about people who rob themselves of great relationships because they stop pursuing people as soon as they encounter minor misunderstandings or surface-level problems. This happens often in dating relationships
and friendships. It is somewhat less common in work relationships because people cannot always walk away from their professional colleagues easily.

We need to learn to give people a chance. We must understand that we will never be able to develop healthy relationships if we allow insignificant incidents to push us away from others. Unless we are dealing with major character flaws, things that are illegal or immoral, or serious issues, staying in relationships long enough to truly get to know people is important. Every relationship will have bumps in the road; some of them will be huge, but others will be fairly minor. As the old saying goes, we can’t sweat the small stuff.

Next time you are in a new relationship and the other person does something that annoys you, take a deep breath and decide to stay in the relationship a little longer. See if you can look beyond that one situation and discover a great person on the other side of it.

Great relationships require you to be willing to sacrifice for something new and better than anything you have known before.

When Elijah throws his cloak on Elisha, Elisha runs to him and says, “Let me kiss my father and mother goodbye . . . and then I will come with you” (1 Kings 19:20).

Elijah has a surprising response, “Go back . . . what have I done to you?”

This exchange may seem strange, but Elijah has a reason for telling Elisha to go back. He realizes the importance of questioning Elisha’s motives. He wants to verify that Elisha is pure-hearted and committed to going with him for the right reasons.

Elijah understands that no one can be in a healthy relationship and please everyone else simultaneously. Healthy relationships require time, energy, focus, and other qualities to be allocated
smartly. This is a reality because no one has unlimited resources. People who are serious about strategic relationships simply do not have enough of anything to be able to give boundlessly to every single person who wants their attention. When Elijah speaks to Elisha about going “back,” he is really asking, “Do you want what you’ve always had [represented by Elisha’s father and mother], or are you open to the potential of something new [represented by a relationship with Elijah]?”

Elisha quickly proves his commitment to his new alliance with Elijah and to all the possibilities that relationship holds. He deals swiftly and decisively with the symbols of his earlier life, effectively making a return to the past impossible. He slaughters his oxen; he burns his plowing equipment, and then, according to 1 Kings 19:21, “he set out to follow Elijah and became his attendant.”

Just as Elisha was willing to make significant sacrifices and let go of his past so he could embrace his future, you will also have opportunities to move ahead in life via new relationships; or you can stay in your past by choosing not to align with certain people. When God wants to do something tremendous in your life, He will use a word and a person, just as He always has. The question is, when that word comes to you and when that person enters your life, will you leave behind everything old and move into something new and great?

“O
H
,
THE
P
LACES
Y
OU
’
LL
G
O
!” (T
HANK
Y
OU
, D
R
. S
EUSS
)

In 2 Kings 2, Elijah and Elisha take a final journey together before Elijah goes to heaven. Each place they go is highly symbolic, representing a necessary and vital aspect of all healthy relationships. If you want your relationships to be healthy and mature, you can
also expect to go through the situations these places represent. In fact, I would go as far as to say that if a relationship is going to be strong and healthy, it
must
follow the same course, metaphorically, that Elijah and Elisha traveled. If we were to track their journey on a map, we would see that they travel together to four places in 2 Kings 2: Gilgal (v. 1), Bethel (v. 2), Jericho (v. 4), and the Jordan River (vv. 6–8). These places are familiar to most Bible readers because of their historical significance, but they also represent significant experiences in our relationships.

Gilgal

When Joshua led the Israelites into the promised land years before Elijah and Elisha lived, the first place they came to after crossing the Jordan River was Gilgal (Josh. 5:1–9). This was the location where Joshua observed the covenant ritual of circumcision for the Hebrew males who were not circumcised prior to entering the promised land, so Gilgal is a place that symbolizes the cutting of flesh.

In every healthy relationship, the blade of truth and honesty must be applied at times. If two people cannot have honest communication that sometimes hurts, the relationship will be superficial at best. We have heard that “the truth hurts,” and sometimes it does. But when the truth is delivered with love, even painful honesty leads to relational health and strength.

This is true for romantic and platonic relationships, and it is also true in the workplace and in families, churches, and social organizations. It also applies to a believer’s relationship with God. Scripture is clear that He chastens those He loves (Heb. 12:6). No matter what the arena or context of a relationship, if it is going to be genuine and healthy, it will have its uncomfortable moments when both parties must face truth.

Bethel

Throughout Scripture, Bethel is known as a place of prayer and worship. Any healthy relationship will stretch you and push you to prayer and worship through its challenges and its joys. I think any believer who is part of a strong, healthy marriage would admit to going through some difficult situations in which one or the other, or both spouses, had to take the circumstances to God in prayer. There are times in such an intimate relationship that two people need divine help and intervention, and the only way to ask for it is through prayer. There are also times in marriage when the relationship is strong and blissful, and the only way to respond is to thank and worship God.

I do not mean to imply that marriage is the only relationship in which prayer and worship play a vital role. If you are a believer, you can pray and worship your way through every relationship you have, but it is also important to realize that certain situations will call for fervent prayer and intense worship.

Jericho

The city of Jericho has long been known as a fortified city of thick walls and strongholds, which symbolize the walls we erect around ourselves. We may build walls to keep others from getting too close to us or to keep us from giving too much of ourselves to others in relationships. Sometimes knowing others deeply and allowing ourselves to be deeply known can cause us to feel vulnerable; we feel more secure if we refuse to let it happen.

A healthy relationship is only possible with a person who will not allow you to hide behind those walls or remain entrenched in strongholds. Whether you help others climb out from behind their walls or whether you allow someone to draw you out from behind yours, being honest, vulnerable, and transparent is vital to a healthy
relationship. One way to begin to assess whether a relationship is healthy or not is to ask yourself, “Am I allowed to hide from this person or not?” If the answer is no, meaning that relationship pulls you away from your strongholds and defense mechanisms in a loving and honest way, you have a vital ingredient for a healthy relationship.