The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (27 page)

Sometimes people you may initially perceive to be covenant partners end up not being covenant partners at all. You discern that based on their behavior. As you try to identify the covenant partners in your life, watch carefully to see whether they help you or harm you, whether they move you toward your dreams and goals or steer you away from them. Look to see whether they encourage the important relationships in your life or try to separate you from the people who mean the most to you. Listen carefully to their words, then see if their actions affirm what they have said. If they say they support you but their actions are not supportive, that is a bad sign. If they say they love you but treat you disrespectfully and offer flimsy excuses for doing so, beware. And certainly, if their behavior causes any kind of bodily or emotional harm, part ways immediately and get help.

Sometimes people enter into covenant partnerships prematurely, before they
really
know the other person. They discover something they truly cannot live with for their own safety or well-being. For example, perhaps the person is physically, sexually, emotionally, or verbally abusive. Unfortunately, this happens far too often in marriages. Many times, heartbreak, heartache, and disappointment could be avoided if people had the skills and the patience to find out whether they were about to enter into a serious commitment with a true covenant partner or with a “pretend” covenant partner.

W
HAT A
C
OVENANT
P
ARTNER
I
S
N
OT

In the first chapter of the book of Ruth, we learn that Naomi, Ruth, and Orpah had all been together for about ten years—a significant
amount of time. This teaches us that we can be in relationships with certain people for a long while before we realize they are not covenant partners but instead are halfway friends.

My colleague Susan told me about Michelle, a halfway friend in her life, and a person she
thought
was a covenant partner. The two women had been in close relationship for more than thirty years, since their families moved into the same neighborhood within several weeks of each other when Susan and Michelle were in fifth grade. Susan had endured and celebrated many changes in Michelle’s life, such as marriage, the birth of children, and the changes those developments brought, while Susan had remained single and childless. Therefore Susan never had to ask Michelle to make the same adjustments she had made in their relationship.

Susan treated Michelle’s children well—buying them gifts for special occasions, attending their ball games and recitals, and taking them to get ice cream once a week. In addition, Susan made time in her schedule to have lunch with Michelle every week. But when, at age forty-two, Susan met and fell in love with a wonderful man, she prioritized that relationship over all others. She was no longer able to attend as many special events for Michelle’s children. She took the children for ice cream and had lunch with Michelle twice a month instead of once a week. When the great development in Susan’s life meant adjusting the amount of time she spent with Michelle and her children each week, Michelle felt rejected and abandoned. She could not handle the change and overreacted to it by deciding not to allow her children to have ice cream with Susan at all and by completely discontinuing their lunches together. Susan soon realized that her longtime friend still had value in her life, but not as a covenant partner.

I share this story to make the point that longevity does not equal covenant partnership. The two friends in my story ate lunch
together once a week and shared many details of their lives. This proves a point I have seen many times in my pastoral work with individuals who have problems in relationships: frequent communication and even a deep level of involvement in a person’s life does not make a covenant partnership.

How do you know when someone is not a covenant partner for you? Let me offer some suggestions.

• Someone who simply gets excited about being your friend, especially when he or she benefits from the good things that happen to you, is not a covenant partner.

• Someone whose friendship is inconsistent is not a covenant partner.

• Someone who seeks to “ride on your coattails” or uses you for his or her personal gain or benefit is not a covenant partner.

• Someone who disappears when you are going through a tough time is not a covenant partner.

• Someone who lives and relates to you according to the ups and downs of his or her emotions is not a covenant partner.

• Someone who repeatedly and heavy-handedly tries to tell you how to live your life, run your business, or deal with other relationships is not a covenant partner.

• Someone who wants to separate or isolate you from friends and family is not a covenant partner.

• A person who is spiritually immature or who does not share your faith in Jesus Christ is not a covenant partner.

• A person who only calls on you when he or she is in need and does not ever offer to help or support you is not a covenant partner.

• Someone who needs excessive time, attention, or validation from you will become a burden and is not a covenant partner.

H
OW TO
H
ANDLE A
H
ALFWAY
F
RIEND

I want to call your attention back to the early part of Ruth and Naomi’s story, when Orpah decides to return home, leaving just the two of them to journey to Bethlehem (Ruth 1:6–15). Notice Naomi’s response. Naomi does not cling to Orpah; she does not beg her to stay; she makes no effort to try to talk her out of it or entice her to go with them. She probably does not even lose any sleep about the matter! The two women simply share a common, respectful parting gesture of their day (a brief kiss) and go their separate ways. Orpah goes back to Moab, and very little, if anything, is ever written about her again. Ruth and Naomi travel on to Bethlehem, and a great story of restoration and redemption unfolds for both of them.

When a halfway friend decides to part ways with you, let that person go! When you know he or she is not a covenant partner, when you know the season of relationship is over, then let the relationship come to a gracious and blessed end. You may want to acknowledge the positive aspects of your acquaintance and hopefully you will want to wish the person well, but do not try to hold on. In addition, avoid thinking about how you can restructure your relationship; do not try to “make” anything work. Cling to your covenant partners, but kiss your halfway friends goodbye when the time for closure has come.

O
H
Y
ES
, Y
OU
’
LL
M
AKE
I
T
W
ITHOUT
T
HEM

When a relationship ends, one or both people involved may feel a bit unsteady for a while. Sometimes a halfway friend will play a mind game with you, saying, “I am going to leave,” while also saying or insinuating, “and you’ll never make it without me.” You may
reflect on the qualities you grew to like in your halfway friend and ask yourself if you will make it without him or her. I want to answer your internal question with a resounding Yes! While a period of adjustment may be necessary, you will not only survive without your halfway friend, you will thrive! The fact that a certain person walks out of your life does not mean you won’t get the breakthroughs and opportunities you’re longing for. Your destiny is not tied to your halfway friends; your destiny is connected to your covenant partners.

In fact, I have noticed that one of the ways God works is that He sometimes waits to bring a breakthrough or move you to your next level of success and destiny until your relationships are in proper order. He knows you need right relationships with the right people so you can receive all the blessings He wants to pour out in your life and be most effective in His service. So sometimes, before He
moves
you forward in His plan for you, He first
removes
people who will hinder or hold you back.

In Ruth and Naomi’s story, we read that the two women arrived in Bethlehem
together
(Ruth 1:22), cooperating with each other, supporting each other, and encouraging each other along the way. They made their journey together and they came to their destination together. They made it to Bethlehem (which means, “House of Bread” or “Place of Provision”) in Judah (the land of praise) together, to begin a new life that turned out to be wonderful. They found their way together to a place of great and unexpected provision. They had many reasons to praise God.

I believe with all my heart that one of the priorities of every Christian’s life should be the development of covenant partnerships. Throughout Scripture, we see that relationships are vital to the walk of faith and to the fulfillment of God’s purposes for our lives. Let me encourage you to be diligent to assess the relationships in your life. Begin to identify those people who may be covenant
partners and those who may only be halfway friends. Take your time entering into a covenant partnership and go about it with much prayer. And when you find a covenant partner, do not let that person go!

RELATIONSHIP REMINDERS

• All relationships are not for life. God intends some relationships to be deep, significant, and long-term, but He designs others for specific times, purposes, and seasons.

• Don’t try to hold on to an Orpah (a halfway friend) when that person decides not to move forward with you or chooses to go in a different direction. Bless and encourage your halfway friend, and keep pressing on as God leads you forward on your journey.

• Take your time as you think and pray about who your covenant partners are. Assess those people to see if they have the characteristics and qualities needed in such an important relationship.

• Seek God and ask Him who your covenant partners should be. Wait until you have confirmation and a settled peace in your heart before moving forward in such significant and solemn relationships.

• Don’t quickly dismiss, walk away from, or let go of a covenant partner, because a covenant is a solemn and binding agreement before God. Because people are human and we live in a fallen world, rare occasions arise when two covenant partners may need to separate. This should be done only with much prayer, wise counsel, and mature spiritual guidance—and when every effort for reconciliation has been exhausted.

RAISING YOUR RELATIONAL IQ

1. Who are the covenant partners in your life?

2. If you have a covenant partner, even if you’ve never applied that term to the relationship until now, what qualities in that person inspire your trust and desire for a lifelong relationship?

3. Is there anyone in your life currently who has the potential to become a covenant partner for you? Who is it? How do you know?

4. If you have a major disagreement or problem with a covenant partner, what relationship skills have you learned through this book or elsewhere that will help you successfully navigate and work through that difficult time?

5. Think about how much your covenant partners mean to you. How can you demonstrate or communicate to them in practical ways that you take their partnership very seriously?

6. In your own words, what is the value of having a covenant partner in your life?

13

When Helping You Is Killing Me

H
OW TO
H
AVE
H
EALTHY
R
ELATIONSHIPS WITH
U
NHEALTHY
P
EOPLE

A LOVING MOTHER, NOW RETIRED AND LIVING on a fixed income, allows her smart, healthy, thirty-four-year-old son, Derek, to live in her home rent-free, even though he makes no effort to get a job. She feeds him every day, cooks his favorite meal once a week, and does his laundry. But he does not appreciate anything she does. In fact, he complains when his favorite shirt is not clean and pressed.

Derek’s mother knows he has a drug habit he refuses to give up, and she suspects he is the culprit every time a few dollars disappear from her purse. She never mentions it. She simply decides she does not really need the new medicine the doctor prescribed. She will wait until next month to fill the prescription, and she will skimp on birthday presents for her grandchildren. She wants to go on a weeklong mission trip with her church, but every time she saves some money, she cannot find it when she looks for it. Besides, she is
uncomfortable with the thought of being gone for seven days. She is afraid to leave her house for very long because she fears Derek will have his friends over to visit. Who knows what they would steal from her?

When her older children or her friends mention the situation with Derek, she tells them exactly what she tells herself: “Derek and I both had a hard time when his father was sick. We both suffered such a loss when he died. I have to help him.”

The unfortunate relational dynamics that exist between Derek and his mother are common in families, but not limited to families. For example, a bright, industrious CEO named Tom started a thriving business several years ago. The company would be a perfect acquisition for a larger firm—a deal that would enable Tom to live a comfortable life while pursuing some things he has always wanted to do: join his fellow church members building playgrounds in underprivileged areas of his city and spend more time with his family. But he is reluctant to sell his business because his chief financial officer, Allen, has not managed the fiscal aspects of the company well. The records are sloppy, and Tom knows several things have probably not been done correctly. The truth is that Allen was his college buddy who is now an alcoholic and refuses to seek help. Tom does not want the company financials under scrutiny because he does not want Allen to be exposed, knowing the publicity would devastate his family. After all, they were college roommates and fraternity brothers.

Derek’s mother and Tom have something in common. In each situation, they are covering up for people close to them. Helping one person is, in a sense, “killing” the other one. Maybe you can relate because you have done what they have done, or something similar.