The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (24 page)

A 2002 white stretch limousine pulls up to a stoplight right next to a 1955 Oldsmobile 98 Starfire, mint condition. The man
in the back of the limousine pushes a button and his window rolls down.

He says to the Oldsmobile driver, “Hey, nice car.”

The guy in the Olds says, “Thanks. I have a TV in here, cable ready.”

Not to be outdone, the man in the limo says, “I have a TV, a VCR, and a satellite dish.”

“I have a microwave oven,” says the guy in the Olds.

“I have a convection oven with a full-time chef,” says the man in the limo.

“I have a four-poster brass bed!” the guy in the Olds says as the light changes and he takes off.

Furious, the man in the limo picks up the phone and calls his driver. “James, I want you to take this limousine to the customizing
shop and have them install a four-poster brass bed with a canopy, a bearskin rug, and a fireplace. I don’t care what it costs
and I want it tomorrow!”

The next day, with the limousine the way he
wants it, the man goes out to look for the Oldsmobile. After four hours of searching, he finally finds the Olds parked on the
side of the road with all its windows fogged up. He gets out of the limo and knocks on the window of the Olds. No answer.

He knocks again. Still no answer.

He knocks on the window a third time, longer and harder. Finally, the window rolls down and the guy in the Olds shouts, “What
the hell do you want?”

The man from the limousine says proudly, “I just put in a four-poster brass bed with a canopy, a bearskin rug, and a fireplace!”

The guy in the Oldsmobile looks at the man angrily and says, “You got me out of the Jacuzzi to tell me that?”

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4, 000 stereo in it!

A blonde wanted to change her image, so she decided to buy a new car that would set her apart from all other blondes. At the
car dealer, she was about to give up when she spotted a beautifully restored Jaguar XK-140 convertible. She bought it on the
spot.

She drove it off the lot and headed for the country, her long blonde hair flowing in the wind, and music blaring from the
radio. It was a gorgeous day.

Then, all of a sudden, the engine conked out and the Jaguar slowly coasted to a stop. She turned the key, but the car wouldn’t
start. Knowing her limitations, she called Triple A auto club and waited for the tow truck. After ten minutes the truck arrived
and the mechanic asked, “What seems to be the problem?”

“Well,” said the blonde, “It just sputtered and stopped.

“Let me take a look,” said the mechanic, and after fifteen minutes the engine was purring like a cat again.

“Thank goodness,” said the blonde. “What was the matter?”

“Simple, really,” said the mechanic. “Just crap in the carburetor.”

Looking shocked, the blonde asked, “Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?”

And speaking of blondes…

Why do blondes like BMWs?

Because they can’t spell “Chevrolet.”

What’s a brunette’s mating call?

“Has that blonde gone yet?”

What’s the mating call of a redhead?

“Next!”

Do not tell this joke at the dinner table!

A couple get married and head off to the lake to stay in the honeymoon cabin. The next morning the caretaker of the cabins
notices the man fishing from the honeymoon cabin’s dock. Curious, he walks up to him and says, “How’s the fishing?”

“Great,” says the man, pointing to a bucket with three fish in it.

“You’re in the honeymoon cabin, aren’t you?” asks the caretaker.

“Yep,” says the man.

“Well,” says the caretaker, “it’s none of my business, but shouldn’t you be in there with your bride consummating the marriage?”

“She has gonorrhea,” says the man.

“Well,” says the caretaker, “it’s none of my business, but there is always oral sex.”

“Nope, she has pyorrhea,” says the man.

“Well, it’s none of my business, but what about anal sex?” asks the caretaker.

“Nope, she has diarrhea,” says the man.

“Now wait a minute,” says the caretaker. “It’s none of my business, but if she had gonorrhea, pyorrhea, and diarrhea, why
on earth did you marry her?”

“She has worms, too,” says the man.

What did the blonde say to the physicist?

“I love nuclear fission. What do you

use for bait?”

What’s the difference between a man

and a catfish?

One is a bottom-feeding scumsucker,

and the other is a fish.