The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (21 page)

What’s Ebonic for transvestite?

Susan B. Anthony.

What is a Jewish woman’s dream house?

Seven rooms, no kitchen, no bedroom.

What’s pink and hard in the morning?

The
Financial Times
crossword puzzle.

A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into
the woods. He finds the ball, but it is surrounded by trees. He’s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the
ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.

He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golfs
and says, “Are you any good?”

The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”

How do you know when you are a loser?

When a nymphomaniac says,

“Let’s just be friends.”

What’s the difference between a woman

and a battery?

A battery always has a positive side.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal?

A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

Three guys are interviewing for one job. Now, the boss doesn’t have any ears and decides to hire the first person who doesn’t
say anything about it. After the first interview, he asks, “Do you notice anything odd about me?”

The first guy is rude and says, “Yeah, you don’t have any fucking ears.”

The boss says, “Send in the next applicant on your way out.”

After the second guy interviews, the boss asks the same question: “Do you notice anything odd about me?”

The second guy is polite and says, “Well, sir, I notice that, through some affliction, you are missing your ears.”

The boss says, “Thank you, send in the next applicant.”

On the way out, the second guy says to the third guy, “Whatever you do, don’t say anything about his ears.”

After the third guy gives a great interview, the boss asks, “Do you notice anything odd about me?”

“Yes, I do,” says the third guy. “You are wearing contact lenses.”

The boss says, “Very good, you are hired. By the way, how did you know I’m wearing contacts?”

“Because,” the third guy says, “if you had any ears, you would be wearing fucking glasses!”

I’m taking a flight out of La Guardia to Tampa so I can visit with my friend Hutch and his family for a long weekend. I have
to connect in Memphis, and I learn when I get there that the connecting flight to Tampa is delayed by one hour.

So what do I do? Being a good bartender, I find the nearest bar. It is late, no one is in the bar but me and the bartender,
and she is slowly (union job) getting ready to close. I have about forty-five minutes, she says.

So I’m sitting there, eating some peanuts that are in bowls along the bar and listening to soft music as I watch soundless
TV, drinking a beer, with another on ice—ready when I am.

Out of nowhere, I hear a voice say, “Hey, nice shirt.” I turn around to see where the voice came from, but no one is there. The
bartender is in the corner stacking glasses, the music is low, and no
sound is coming from the TV, so I figure that either I’m hearing things, or my fun times from the sixties are catching up with
me.

I continue to eat more peanuts, drink the other beer that was on ice, listen to soft music, and watch soundless TV. Then the same
voice says, “Hey, nice shoes.”

Now, I
know
I heard that! Again, no one is around. It didn’t come from the low music, it didn’t come from the soundless TV, and the bartender
is still in the corner stacking glasses. I call her over and ask, “Did you say something to me?”

“No, I didn’t say anything to you,” she says. “What happened?”

“Well,” I say, “someone said, ‘Nice shirt,’ and a few minutes later the same voice said, ‘Nice shoes.’ I was wondering if you
said it.”

“Oh,” she says, “I know what it was.”

“What was it?” I ask, hoping I wasn’t having a senior moment early in my young life.

“It’s the peanuts,” she says with a smile. “They’re complimentary.”

The Carrot family are having a fun day in Central Park. They leave the park at dusk to go home and as they cross 5th Avenue, a
cab goes out of control and hits the father carrot. An ambulance arrives and takes him off to the hospital, followed by his
family.