The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (16 page)

How do you know you are in a gay church?

Only half of the congregation is kneeling.

Why does a gay group want to buy the

New York Jets?

Because the team has two tight ends and

forty players who suck.

Here’s one for all you animal rights activists…

A baby seal walks into a club…

A blind guy walks into a nightclub and starts swinging his dog around. The bouncer runs up to him and says, “What the hell are
you doing?”

“Just looking around,” says the blind guy.

Hear about the bartender who was married three times and all three wives died?

The first wife died of food poisoning. They found out it was poison mushrooms that killed her. The second wife died of food
poisoning, too. Same thing, poison mushrooms.

The third wife died of a gunshot to the head.

She wouldn’t eat the fucking mushrooms!

What’s the difference between a bitch

and a slut?

A slut will fuck anybody. A bitch

will fuck anybody except you.

In corporate offices, why do blondes have

a half hour for lunch instead of one hour

like everyone else?

It costs too much to retrain them.

What do puppy dogs and nearsighted

gynecologists have in common?

They both have wet noses.

An Irishman is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a crowd in front of a high-rise building. He looks up and sees
a guy standing on the ledge of the tenth floor, obviously contemplating suicide. The Irishman rushes up and yells, “Don’t
jump, think of your children!”

“I don’t have any children!” yells the guy on the ledge.

“Think of your wife!” the Irishman yells.

“I’m not married!” yells the guy.

“Think of your mother and father!” yells the Irishman, undaunted.

“My parents died when I was young!” the guy yells.

Frustrated, the Irishman yells, “Think of St. Patrick!”

“Who’s St. Patrick?” the guy on the ledge yells back.

“Jump, ya Protestant bastard, jump!” replies the Irishman.

An American is in Ireland drinking in a pub. After a few pints he yells, “I’ll give a hundred dollars to the first guy that
can drink twenty pints of
Guinness in a row, without stopping and without spilling a drop!”

A hush falls over the crowd. After a minute, a small, thin Irishman pushes his way through the crowd, approaches the American, and
says, “I’ll give it a try, but give me ten minutes and I’ll be back to give it a go.”

The American says, “All right, but if you are not back in ten minutes, the bet is off.”

Sure enough, the Irishman returns exactly ten minutes later and says, “Set ’em up!”

The Irishman then proceeds to drink all twenty pints of Guinness, without stopping and without spilling a single drop.

Dumbfounded, the American hands over the hundred dollars and asks the Irishman, “To be honest, I didn’t think you could drink
them all. Tell me, where did you go for ten minutes?”

The Irishman burps and says, “I went to the pub across the street to see if I could do it!”

Evidently, the English tell Irish jokes, the Irish tell Scottish jokes, the Scottish tell Welsh jokes, and the Welsh say,
“What’s a joke?”

After a long journey, a German says, “I’m tired and thirsty, I must have a beer.”

A Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty, I must have some wine.”

A Jewish man says, “Oy, I’m tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes!”

A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to his patient, “I have some bad news. You are dying of cancer. Now, I
can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o’clock tee time, why don’t you join me.”

They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of
AIDS. This goes on all afternoon, the patient telling everyone he knows that he is dying of AIDS.

Curious, the doctor asks, “Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?”

The guy looks at the doctor and in a low voice says, “I don’t want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die.”