The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (15 page)

Why do golfers bring two pairs of shoes?

In case they get a hole in one.

I had to put this one in. I just had to.

A little boy runs home and says, “Daddy, Daddy, I got a part in the school play!”

“What part do you have?” asks the proud father.

“I play a Jewish husband!” says the smiling boy.

“Son,” says the father, “go back and get a speaking role!”

A guy walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I have a problem.”

“What’s the trouble?” asks the doctor.

The guy says, “My asshole is 16 1/2 inches in diameter and I’m getting worried.”

The doctor says, “What?”

“My asshole,” the guy says, “is 16 1/2 inches in diameter and I’m worried about it.”

“Follow me,” says the doctor, and they both go into the examining room. The doctor says, “Take off your clothes, bend over,
and let’s take a look.”

The guy takes off his clothes and bends over. The doctor takes one look at the guy’s butt and yells, “Holy shit! Your asshole
is 16 1/2 inches wide! What the hell happened!”

The guy says, “Well, I was on safari in Africa and a bunch of rogue elephants attacked our group, and, well, one of the rogue
elephants had sex with me.”

“Now wait a minute,” says the doctor. “I think it is common knowledge that, although it is long, an elephant’s penis is not
16 1/2 inches in diameter.”

“Well,” says the guy, shyly, “he fingered me first.”

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

Pokémon.

How do you get a roomful of blue-haired

old ladies to say “fuck”?

Yell out “Bingo!”

Quasimodo’s mother brings out the wok.

“Oh boy,” says Quasimodo, “I love Chinese food!”

“No, you idiot,” says his mother, “I’m ironing your shirts!”

If you are dyslexic and cross-eyed, do you read right?

A cowboy goes into a bar and orders a drink. He has on a cowboy hat, cowboy shirt, and cowboy boots with spurs and chaps.

A woman sitting next to him asks, “Are you a real cowboy?”

“Well,” the cowboy says, “I’ve been ranching all my life, riding horses, roping steer, branding cows, and mending fences. Yes,
I’m a real cowboy. How about you?”

The woman says, “Well, when I wake up in the morning, I think of women. During breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I’m thinking of
women. All day long and all night long, I’m thinking of women, and when I sleep, I dream of women. I’m a lesbian!” She finishes
her drink, then leaves.

The cowboy is perplexed.

A couple comes in and sits down next to the cowboy. The woman says to the cowboy, “Are you a real cowboy?”

“Well,” says the cowboy, “I thought I was a cowboy. Now I think I’m a lesbian!”

What do men and buses have in common?

They both stop before you get off.

Why did God create women?

He couldn’t teach sheep to cook.

Why did God create men?

Because a dildo can’t mow the lawn.

Hear about the gay guy who put a nicotine patch

on his dick?

He’s down to two butts a day.