The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (30 page)

on the inside of one thigh and a tattoo of

Santa Claus on the inside of her other thigh?

For her husband who always complains

that there’s nothing to eat between

Thanksgiving and Christmas.

What do married couples buy Vaseline for?

Seventy-nine cents a jar.

If one is love and two is hate,

what’s three and four?

Seven.

There are three kinds of people in the world:

those who can count and those who can’t.

It was found, in a recent study, that five out of four high school students can’t do fractions.

How do you know when you are really ugly?

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

Why did God create alcohol?

So ugly people will have a chance

to have sex, too.

“You know that woman, Eve, you created for me?” Adam says to God. “What a great cook! Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, anything
I want to eat, she cooks it for me and cooks it very well!”

“I made her that way,” God says, “so you will like her.”

Then Adam says, “And good-looking, too! She is absolutely gorgeous! I can’t keep my eyes off her!”

“I made her that way,” God says, “so you will like her.”

“And sex!” Adam continues. “She is just fabulous in bed! Anything I want her to do, she does, and she does it great!”

“I made her that way,” God says, “so you will like her.”

“But, there is one problem,” Adam says. “She is dumber than a rock! She is very stupid and not too bright, either!”

“I made her that way,” God says, “so she will like you.”

How do you know Jesus wasn’t Italian?

If he was, you wouldn’t find three wise men

and a virgin.

God and Moses are playing a round of golf. Moses tees off and his ball lands in the pond in front of the green. He walks to
the pond, raises his arms, the water parts, he walks in and chips out onto the green.

God tees off. His ball sails past the pond, past the green, and before it hits the ground an eagle flies by, grabs the ball
with its talons, realizes that the ball is not food, circles over the pond, and drops the ball. The ball hits a turtle in the
pond, bounces onto the green, and rolls into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses walks up to God and says, “Look, are you going to play golf, or are you going to fuck around?”

A husband and wife are asleep. All of a sudden, the wife turns on the light, wakes up the husband, and says, “Honey, when I
die, will you find a girlfriend and get married again?”

“No,” says the husband, still half asleep. “I’ll never get married after you’ve gone. I would never do that.”

“It’s O.K. if you do,” says the wife. “I want you to be happy, and if you marry your girlfriend, it will make me happy, too.”

He murmurs “O.K.,” rolls over, and she turns off the light.

Two minutes later, the wife turns on the light and says, “Honey, when I die and you marry your girlfriend, will you live in
this house?”

Still groggy, the husband says, “No, I won’t live in this house, if I remarry.”

“It’s O.K. if you do,” says the wife. “I know you love this house and I’ll be happy if you live here with your new wife.”

“O.K.,” says the sleepy husband, “I’ll stay in this house.” He rolls over and falls back to sleep and the wife turns off the
light.

Two minutes later the wife turns on the light again and says, “Honey, if you marry your girlfriend and stay in this house,
will you sleep in this bed with your new wife?”

The husband says, “No, we won’t sleep in this bed.”

“It’s O.K. if you do,” says the wife. “I want you to be happy and I know you love this bed, it will
make me happy if you do.”

“O.K.,” says the husband as he rolls over to get some sleep, “we’ll sleep in this bed.” The wife turns off the light.

One minute later, the wife turns the light back on and says, “Honey, when you marry your girlfriend and stay in this house
and sleep in this bed, will you let your new wife use my golf clubs?”

“Hell, no,” says the husband as he rolls over. “She’s left-handed!”