The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (26 page)

After a while of doing this, all of the beer gets to him and he has to take a piss. He quietly goes to the bathroom and sees
his wife sitting on the bowl. Confused, the guy says, “What are you doing here?”

“Shhh,” the wife says. “You’ll wake up my mother!”

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar…

Hey, it could happen!

Three blondes walk into a bar…

You’d think one of them might have seen it!

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could

play it at night.

How are men and parking spots alike?

The good ones are always taken and

the ones that are left are all handicapped.

A midget with a harelip wants to buy a horse. He goes to the nearest horse farm and looks around. The farmer comes over and
asks, “Can I help you?”

“Yeth,” says the midget, pointing to a horse. “I want to thee that horth.” The farmer walks with the midget to the horse.

“I want to thee it’th mane,” says the midget.

The farmer picks him up so he can touch the horse’s mane, puts him back down and says, “Anything else?”

The midget says, “I want to thee it’th eyeth.”

The farmer picks him up again, shows him the horse’s eyes, and puts him down. “Anything else?” he asks.

“Yeth,” says the midget, “I want to thee it’th earth.”

The farmer picks up the midget, shows him the horse’s ears, and puts him back down. “Anything else?” he asks.

“Yeth,” says the midget, “I want to thee it’th back.”

At this point, the farmer is getting pissed. He quickly picks up the midget, shows him the horse’s back, and quickly puts him
back down. “Anything else?” asks the agitated farmer.

“Yeth,” says the midget, “I want to thee it twat.”

Now the farmer is really pissed off. He picks up the midget, lifts the horse’s tail, and shoves his face in the horse’s ass.
After a minute, he puts the midget on the ground and says angrily, “How was that!”

The harelipped midget sputters and spits and says, “Well, that wath fine, but I really want to thee it run and gallop!”

A midget walks up to a tall blonde in a bar and says. “Hey, what do you say to a little fuck?”

She looks at him and says, “Hello, you little fuck!”

What do you get when you cross a pygmy with a whore?

You get a little fucker this big!

(use your fingers)

Why do cavemen pull their women around

by the hair?

Because if they pulled them around by their

feet, they’d fill up with mud.

How do you change a woman’s mind?

Buy her another drink.

What’s a man’s idea of foreplay?

A half hour of begging.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and notices a horse behind the bar. The horse trots over and says, “What can I get you?”

The guy asks for a beer. The horse gets the beer, opens it, and brings it to the guy, then trots to the other end of the bar
to another customer.

The guy sips his beer, but can’t take his eyes off the horse. Every time the horse looks at the guy, the guy is looking at
the horse.

This is bugging the horse, so he trots over to the guy and says, “What’s the matter, never seen a horse behind a bar before?”

“No,” says the guy, “I can’t say that I have.”

“Well,” says the horse, “Not only am I the bartender, but I’m the owner of this bar as well. I bought it last week. You got
a problem with that?”

“No, no, not at all,” says the guy, “I’m surprised the parrot sold it.”