The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (28 page)

A man walks into a lawyer’s office and inquires about the lawyer’s rates.

“Fifty dollars for three questions,” replies the lawyer.

“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asks the man.

“Yes,” says the lawyer. “And what was your third question?”

A man loses his job, his house is foreclosed, and his wife leaves him, taking all his money along with the children. He is destitute. He
must find out what the meaning of life is. He must seek out the High Lama.

It takes him three years to reach Nepal and seven more months to finally find the Shrine of the High Lama. When he gets there
he is told to wait two more weeks, since the High Lama cannot see him earlier.

Two weeks go by, and in his tattered clothes, unshaven and unwashed, near starvation and humbled, he stands before the High
Lama.

“Life,” says the High Lama, “is like a fountain.”

“What!?!?” yells the guy incredulously. “I lose my job, my house, my wife, my children, and my money, I travel for three years
and seven months to get here, then I’m told to wait for two weeks, and finally all you say is life is like a fucking fountain?!”

“Life is not like a fountain?” says the High Lama.

A teacher is teaching her class about morals. She gives a few examples and tells the students to bring in a story that has
a moral to it. The next day she asks, “Who has a story with a moral to it?”

Everyone in the class raises their hands, much to the teacher’s delight. “Mary, please tell us your story,” she says.

Little Mary stands up and says, “I live on a farm and one of my chores is to collect some eggs from the chicken coop and bring
them up to the farmhouse before I go to school.

“Well,” Mary continues, “one day I went to the chicken coop, collected all the eggs and put them in my basket, and as I was
walking to the farmhouse my dog Muffy jumped up on me and I dropped the basket and all the eggs broke.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Mary,” says the teacher. “But what is the moral to the story?”

“Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket,” Mary says.

“Very good, Mary,” says the teacher. “Now, who’s next?”

Everyone has their turn, and finally little Johnny is the last one. “Johnny, tell us your story,” says the teacher.

Johnny stands up and says, “My daddy is a Vietnam War veteran and when he was in the war, all he had was three bullets, a hand
grenade, a bayonet, and a bottle of whiskey.

“Well, one day,” Johnny continues, “my daddy looked up from his foxhole and saw three VC coming
right at him, so he took a swig from the whiskey bottle, aimed his rifle, and killed all the three VC with the three bullets.
Then ten more VC charged him. He took a bigger swig of whiskey, pulled the pin of the grenade, threw it, and killed all ten
VC. Then when the smoke cleared, he saw twenty more VC coming right at him, so he finished the bottle of whiskey, fixed the
bayonet on his rifle, and killed all twenty of the VC with the bayonet and hand-to-hand combat, and he is alive to tell the
story, to this day.”

“That’s fascinating, Johnny,” says the teacher. “What is the moral of the story?”

Johnny proudly says, “Don’t fuck with my daddy when he’s been drinking!”

A farmer thinks it’s time to retire the old rooster and buys a younger one. The young rooster walks up to the old one and
says, “O.K., time to go, old-timer, young stud is here!”

“Relax, youngster,” says the old rooster. “I’m not going anywhere. I have a few more good years in me.”

“Don’t give me a hard time,” says the young rooster. “It’s time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take
a hike!”

“I’ll tell you what,” says the old rooster, “I’ll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets domain of the chicken coop,
and the loser leaves the farm.”

“You know I’m going to beat you,” says the young rooster, “so, just to be fair, I’ll give you a head start.”

They line up behind the farmhouse, a chicken says “Go,” and the old rooster starts running. Fifteen seconds later, the young
rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is twelve inches behind the old rooster
and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, sees what’s going on, grabs his shotgun, and blows the young rooster to bits.

His wife says, “What did you do that for?”

The farmer shakes his head and says, “Third damned gay rooster I bought this week!”

A well-dressed woman is shopping on Madison Avenue. A bum walks up to her and says, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”

She looks at him and says, “God, I wish I had your willpower!”

Why do brides wear white at their wedding?

So the dishwasher matches the rest

of the appliances.

How many men does it take to screw in

a lightbulb?

One:men will screw anything.

This is from my oldest son, Matt, who is a computer engineer. When Matt was a toddler, I used to put his clothes on backwards
and send him off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.

How many computer engineers does it take

to screw in a lightbulb?

FiV5 One y7 Uujy The bUL8 Anv foUx

to eJHGF The eXPEfkncdE!

One night a couple of Swedes came in the bar and gave me this gem. Unfortunately, they never translated it. If anyone knows
what it means, please write in and tell me.