The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (31 page)

A golfer can’t see his golf balls. A soon as the ball is hit, the guy can’t follow them and he loses eighteen balls per round.
He asks the golf pro for help.

The golf pro says, “Take the club’s ball watcher with you. He sees all the balls and where they go. He’s right outside. Play
nine and see for yourself.”

The guy goes outside and sees an old man sitting in a chair, asleep. He goes back in the clubhouse and says, “I only see an
old man, asleep, out there.”

“That’s him,” says the pro. “Wake him up and take him with you.” The guy goes out, gently wakes the old man up, and they both
walk to the first tee.

The guy tees off and, as usual, he loses sight of the ball. “Did you see where it went?” he asks the ball watcher.

“Yeah,” the ball watcher says. “I see it.”

They get in the cart and drive to where the ball
headed. “Well, are you sure you saw it?” asks the guy, looking around for his ball.

“Yeah,” says the old man. “I saw it.”

“Well, where’s my ball?” asks the guy.

“I can’t remember,” says the old man.

A guy with a speech impediment—he stutters—gets a job selling books door-to-door. On his first day, the sales manager gives
him some books and sends him out and at five o’clock he returns with all receipts, no books.

The second day, the sales manager loads him up with more books than the first day and sends him out. He returns at five o’clock
with all the receipts, no books.

The third day, the sales manager really loads him up with books, more than the first two days combined, and sends him out.
At five o’clock he returns and gives the sales manager all of the receipts for all the books he had.

“This is truly amazing,” says the sales manager. “In three days you have sold more books than my top salesman does in a week.
What’s your sales pitch?”

“W-w-well,” says the salesman, “I s-s-say, ‘D-d-do, y-y-you w-w-want t-t-to b-b-b-buy a b-b-b-book or d-do y-you w-want m-me
t-to r-read it t-to y-you?’”

A skeleton walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, “Give me a beer and a mop.”

What do you call a dead Frisbee?

A Friswas.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep run away at the sound

of zippers.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

It’s too far to walk.

Why don’t bunnies make noise

when they make love?

Because they have cotton balls.

It has been recently proven that carrots are good for the eyes. A major research project has shown that almost no rabbits
wear glasses.

A man and a woman are having drinks when they get into a discussion about who enjoys sex more. The man says, “Men obviously
enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

“That doesn’t prove anything,” says the woman. “Think about this; when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it
and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?”

And God created woman and she had three breasts. God then asked the woman, “Is there anything that you’d like to have changed?”

The woman replied, “Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?” And so it was done and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she held the third breast in her hand, “What can be done with this useless boob?”

And God created man.

How do we know that God is a man?

If God were a woman,

sperm would taste like chocolate.