The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (35 page)

The 911 operator asks, “Is this her first child?”

“No, you moron!” yells the guy. “This is her husband!”

Two teenagers are on their first date and they go to the amusement park. After going on the roller coaster and the Ferris wheel, the
boy asks his date, “What do you want to do now?”

“I want to get weighed,” she responds.

They head off to the guy that guesses your weight. The kid pays the guy, he guesses her weight, and then they go to the
bumper cars, then to the funhouse. “What do you want to do now?” asks the kid again.

“I want to get weighed!” urges his date.

So they go back to the guy that guesses your weight, the kid pays him and he guesses both their weights, they go back to the
roller coaster, eat some cotton candy and hot dogs, then he takes her home. When the girl walks in her house, her mother asks, “How
was your date?”

“Wowsy!” she replies.

Why is college like a woman?

It takes forever to get in and nine months later

you wish you hadn’t come.

What has a whole bunch of balls and

screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.

What three two-letter words mean “small”?

“Is it in?”

This is for you computer geeks:

A girl said, “Give a gig, and make it hurt!”

So I gave three 340MB and slapped her with a SCSI adapter.

I went to the county fair and they had one of those “Believe it or Not” shows. They had a man born with a penis
and
a brain!

How did the blonde try to kill a pigeon?

She threw it off the Empire State Building.

What do you have when you have

two balls in your hand?

A man’s undivided attention.

A young Jewish boy is very incorrigible. He won’t clean his room, he won’t do his chores, and he has been thrown out of every
school in town. Finally, his desperate parents send him to a Catholic school. Almost immediately, his room is clean, all his
chores are done, and he is getting straight A’s in school.

His father says, “So, what was it that made you change your ways?”

The kid says, “The nuns gave me a tour of the school and showed me where everything is, and I met the Monsignor, who took me
to the chapel and showed me what happened to the last Jewish boy who got out of line!”

An architectural engineer dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is at the Gates and asks for his occupation, and the guy
tells him. St. Peter looks at the book and can’t find him. He punches in the information in the Cray computer—still no architectural
engineer.

St. Peter says, “We’re not supposed to have an architectural engineer for another ten years. You probably took a wrong turn
somewhere and belong in hell.”

The engineer says, “Look, I’m a God-fearing man. I never did anything wrong my whole life. I belong here!”

St. Peter takes him by the arm, walks him to an elevator, and says, “Push the double L button and you’ll be there in no time.”

The next thing the guy knows, he’s in hell. Satan greets him and asks, “What’s your occupation?”

“Architectural engineer,” the guy says.

“Man,” says Satan, “Do I need you! Look at this place. It’s hot, there’s fire everywhere, and my throne is a mess! I’ll
make it worth your while if you can do something about this.”