The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (32 page)

When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females on the other side. Then he
asked, “Which of your species would like to urinate standing up.

The males went crazy, shouting that they all wanted to pee standing up.

“Fine,” said God. “Women get multiple orgasms.”

Why do one out of five women go to heaven?

If all five went, it would be hell!

What did God say after creating man?

“I can do better.”

Why are men smarter when making love?

They are plugged into a know-it-all.

The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, “You know, you are a lousy lover!”

The husband replies, “How would you know after only thirty seconds?”

A man parks his car at the supermarket and is walking past an empty cart when he hears a woman ask, “Excuse me, do you
want that cart?”

“No,” he answers, “I’m only after one thing.”

As he walks toward the store, he hears her murmur under her breath, “Typical male!”

A guy in California buys a red, sleek, powerful Lamborghini. He decides to open it up on the long, straight desert road to
Las Vegas.

On the way, he stops at a “last gas” gas station to fill it up. The attendant comes out, wearing greasy overalls, and
it is obvious that he has never seen a car like the Lamborghini. The guy tells him to fill the tank while he goes to the bathroom.

As the guy comes out of the bathroom, he sees the attendant sitting in the front seat of his new car. He is furious and runs
over, grabs the attendant by his greasy overalls, pulls him out, gets in, closes the door, and takes off.

As he is driving along at 80 mph, he looks in his rearview mirror and sees something coming up behind him, very fast. Determined
not to let anyone outrun him, he speeds up to 100 mph.

He looks in the mirror, and whatever it is, is still behind him and moving fast. He speeds up to 150 mph, but the thing is still
behind him. His curiosity gets the best of him and he slows down to 50 mph. All of a sudden, the thing flies past him
at an
incredible rate of speed, so fast that the guy still can’t make out what it is. So he brings the Lamborghini back up to 150
mph.

He sees the object and thinks he is catching up—but he is not catching up at all. The thing is coming toward him and zips past
going in the other direction. Now the guy is so confused that he stops his car.

All of a sudden he sees the thing from his rearview mirror come straight at him, and it slams in the back of the new Lamborghini. The
guy gets out and sees the gas attendant from the station lying on the pavement behind the car.

“What the hell are you doing?” screams the guy.

The attendant looks up at the guy and says, weakly, “When you threw me out of your car, my suspenders got caught in the door!”

Two hobos run in to each other. “I haven’t seen you in a while, where have you been?” asks the first hobo.

“Well,” says the second hobo, “I was walking along the railroad tracks and I saw a woman tied to the tracks, so I untied her
and had sex with her, fell asleep, woke up, and had sex again.”

“Wow!” says the first hobo. “That sounds great. What does she look like?”

“I don’t know,” says the second hobo. “I couldn’t find her head!”

A patient is talking to his psychiatrist. “I love boxer shorts,” he says.

The shrink says, “Nothing wrong with that. I prefer them myself.”

“Really?” says the patient. “With mustard or mayonnaise?”

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He says, “I’ll bet fifty dollars that my octopus can play any musical instrument you
give him.”

Someone gives the octopus an old guitar. The octopus looks at the guitar, tunes the strings, and plays a beautiful Spanish
flamenco tune. Fifty dollars to the guy with the octopus.

Another man hands the octopus a trumpet. The octopus looks it over, loosens up the valves, licks his lips, and plays a fantastic
jazz solo. The guy pockets another fifty dollars.

The bartender walks to the storeroom and comes out with a set of bagpipes and puts it on the bar. “I’ll give you a hundred
dollars if the octopus can play this!” he says.

The octopus takes a long, hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from a different angle, studying
the bagpipes.

The guy says, “What are you waiting for? Play the damn thing!”

“Play it?” says the octopus. “Hell, if I can figure out how to get its pajamas off, I’m going to fuck it!”

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts wandering around and ends up on top of the pool
table. The bartender watches as the monkey picks up the eight ball, puts it in his mouth, and swallows it.

The bartender is furious. “That eight ball is the owner’s pride and joy! It’s made of pure ivory and has been in his family
for generations!” He kicks the guy and his monkey out of the bar.

Two weeks later, the guy and his monkey return to the bar and he gives the bartender the eight ball, all cleaned up,
as good as new, and he apologizes.

As the guy is talking to the bartender, the monkey picks up a peanut from a bowl, shoves it up his ass, takes it out, and eats
it. The bartender sees this and says to the guy, “
Now
what the hell is the monkey doing?”