The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (29 page)

Varfor har norrmannen pyjamas de

aker motorcykel?

De ligger i kurvorna!

My friend Doyle says reality is for people who can’t handle drugs!

A piano player walks by a bar with a sign in the window that says, “Piano player wanted.” He walks in and asks for an audition.

He plays a beautiful piece that moves the manager to tears. The manager asks, “What’s the name of that song?”

The piano player says, “It is an original piece titled, ‘I fucked my girlfriend and made her scream.’”

The manager asks to hear another song. The piano player plays another equally beautiful piece. The manager asks, “What’s the
name of that one?”

The piano player says, “Another original titled, ‘When we finished fucking, I wiped my dick on the curtains.’”

The manager says, “Listen, I’ll hire you, but you’ve got to promise not to tell anyone what the names of the songs are. It
might offend my clientele.”

The piano player agrees, and he starts playing that night. Everything is going very well, the customers are really enjoying
the songs. After an hour, the piano player takes a break and goes to the bathroom. When he comes out, a customer comes up
to him and says, “Do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?”

“Know it?” says the piano player. “I wrote it!”

One morning, the lion, King of Beasts, wakes up feeling mean. He is walking about, corners a
small monkey, and roars, “Who is the mightiest of all animals?!”

The monkey trembles and says, “You are, mighty lion!” and scampers up a tree.

The lion continues along and comes up to a frightened gazelle. “Who is the mightiest of all animals?!” he roars.

The gazelle stammers, “Oh, great lion, you are the mightiest of all animals!” and runs away.

Now the lion is really full of himself, and he swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is the mightiest of all animals?!”

The elephant grabs the lion with its trunk, slams him against a tree ten times, and then throws him twenty yards away.

The lion staggers to his feet, full of pain, and says to the elephant. “Gee, just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t
have to get so angry!”

What do you do with an elephant

that has three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

How do you stop a rhinoceros from charging?

Take away its credit card.

Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any children?

Because he only comes once a year,

and when he does, it’s down the chimney.

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the bad girls live.

What do all the female reindeer do

when Santa takes the male reindeer out

on Christmas Eve?

They go into town and blow a few bucks.

How is Christmas like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat man in the suit

gets all the credit.

There are eight reindeer, and Rudolf makes nine, but do you know about the tenth reindeer, Olive? You know, “Olive, the other
reindeer/used to laugh and call him names.”

What’s the difference between snowmen

and snowladies?

Snowballs.

Why did the woman get a tattoo of a turkey