The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (13 page)

A guy is walking around Chinatown, in New York City, and stops in a bar. “Give me a Stoli with a twist,” he says to the bartender,
who happens to be Chinese.

“A rong, rong, time ago, Cinderella was a man…” replies the bartender.

A manager of a warehouse hires a Chinese man to be in charge of supplies. He takes him to the supply room and tells him he
will be back in two hours to check up on him.

After two hours, the manager goes to the supply room, only to find the door locked and the lights out. He unlocks the door
and turns on the lights.

The Chinese man jumps up from behind a stack of boxes and yells, “SUPPLIES!”

A Greek restaurant owner always eats at the same Chinese restaurant and always orders fried rice just to hear the waiters
say, “Flied lice,” so he can mock them. He does this day in and day out, until finally one day the head waiter gets angry and
decides to do something about it.

The Chinese head waiter enrolls in classes for
speech and elocution lessons. This takes months and months, and finally, after one year, he is ready to confront the Greek.

The next day, right on time, the Greek Restaurant owner goes into the Chinese restaurant. The head waiter comes over and
says, “What can I get you today?”

True to form, the Greek says, “I’ll have the
flied lice!
” laughing all the while, waiting to have it repeated.

To which the head waiter replies, “It is pronounced
fried rice
, you Gleek plick!”

Two Irishmen are fishing in a boat, on a lake. One Irishman hooks something; he reels it in and gets it in the boat. It is
an old, rusted lamp. He brushes off the muck and soggy leaves and out pops a genie!

The genie says, “Wow, thanks a lot for saving me, I almost drowned down there. I’ll tell you what, you get one wish—make it
a good one—and I’m out of here!”

The Irishman thinks for a minute and says, “I want this whole lake filled with beer, as far as you can see, nothing but beer,
no water. Make it Guinness!”

“That’s it?” says the genie. “You got it!” He snaps his fingers, the whole lake is now filled with Guinness, and the genie disappears.

The other Irishman says to his friend, “Now what in the hell did you do that for? Now we have to piss in the boat!”

A guy calls in sick. His boss asks, “How sick are you?”

“I’m fucking a cooked, stuffed turkey—how sick is that!” comes the reply.

How are tightrope walking and a blow job

from Janet Reno the same?

In both cases it’s best not to look down!

Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was in a chicken.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors it would be

a chicken sedan.

An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a kid walk by with a roll of chicken wire in his arms. “Where you goin’ with
that chicken wire, boy?” he asks.

“I’m goin’ to get me some chickens,” says the boy.

“You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire, boy,” says the old man.

“I’m goin’ to get me some chickens,” says the boy as he keeps walking.

A half hour later, the boy passes the old man’s house with his arms full of chickens, all clucking away, feathers every where. The old man just scratches his head.

An hour later, the boy passes the old man’s
house with two big rolls of duct tape. The old man says, “Where you goin’ with that duct tape, boy?”

“I’m goin’ to get me some ducks!” the boy says.

“You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!” the old man chuckles.

“I’m goin’ to get me some ducks.” And the boy walks on.

A half hour later, the boy walks by the old man’s house with his arms full of ducks, all quacking, feathers everywhere. The
old man just scratches his head.

One hour later the boy passes the old man’s house with his arms full of pussy willows. The old man says, “Hold on, son, let me
get my hat!”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are in the wilderness, lying on the ground on their backs looking up at the sky. Holmes says
to Watson, “Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“Well, Holmes, I see millions of stars,” replies Watson.

“Very good, Watson,” says Holmes. “But what does that tell you?”

“Well, Holmes, astronomically speaking, there are billions of bodies in the heavens, of which we are one,” replies Watson.

“Very good, Watson,” says Holmes. “But what does that tell you?”

“Well, Holmes, astrologically speaking, it tells
me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be a quarter past 3
A
.
M
.,” replied Watson.

“Very good, Watson,” says Holmes. “But what does that tell you?”

“Well, Holmes, theologically, it is evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant,” Watson tells Holmes.

“Very good, Watson,” says Holmes. “But what does that tell you?”

“Well, Holmes, meteorologically, it is a clear, crisp night and it will be a beautiful day tomorrow?” Watson says, confused.

“Very good, Watson,” says Holmes sternly. “
But what does that tell you
?”

“I don’t know, Holmes, what does it tell you?” cries Watson, exasperated.