The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (5 page)

Two lesbian frogs are having sex when one says to the other, “Hey, they’re right, we
do
taste like chicken!”

A boy asks his father for help with his homework. Being a good father, he turns off the television, puts his newspaper down
and says, “Sure, Son, how can I help you?”

The boy says, “I’m having a hard time finding
the difference between ‘theoretically’ and ‘realistically.’”

The father thinks for a minute and then says, “Son, I want you to go to your mother’s room and ask her if she will have sex
with any man for one million dollars.”

The boy goes to his mother’s room. He returns two minutes later and says, “Yeah, Mom says she will have sex with any man for
one million dollars.”

The father then says, “Now, I want you to go to your sister’s room and ask her the same question.”

The boy goes to his sister’s room. He returns two minutes later and says, “Yeah, Sister says she will have sex with any man
for one million dollars, too.”

The father says, “Son, ‘theoretically,’ we are millionaires. ‘Realistically,’ we are living with a couple of whores!”

Yeah, right, just reverse it and ask
any
man if he’ll sleep with
any
woman for one million dollars and ninety-nine percent of the male population will say, “Hell, I’ll sleep with any woman for
free
!” The other one percent are dead.

What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?

“Are, like, all you guys on the same team?”

A duck walks into the local pharmacy, waddles up to the counter, and says, “Hey, I need a condom!”

The pharmacist says, “Sure, do you want me to put it on your bill?”

The duck says, “What do you think I am, a weirdo?!”

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Nothing—he can’t come when you call

him anyway.

A duck walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender, and says, “Hey, you got any duck food?”

The bartender looks at the duck and says, “No, I don’t got any duck food. Now get outta here, beat it.”

The next day, the duck walks back into the same bar and says, “Hey, you got any duck food?”

The bartender says, “Look, I told you yesterday, I don’t have any duck food! Get outta here, beat it, scram, and don’t come back!”

The next day the duck walks back into the same bar and says, “Hey, you got any duck food?”

The bartender says, “Listen, if you come back here one more time, I’m going to get a handful of nails and I’m going to nail
your web feet right to the floor where you’re standing! I don’t have any duck food, never did have any duck food, and I’m
not going to get any duck food, ever! Now beat it, scram, get outta here, and don’t ever come back!”

The next week the duck walks back into the same bar and says to the bartender, “Hey, you got any nails?”

“No,” says the bartender, “I don’t got any nails.”

The duck says, “You got any duck food?”

How do you say hello to a duck?

“Hello, duck
!
”

Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the Vatican. After a while, one nun says, “Hey, I never came this way before.”

The other nun says, “Yeah, I know. It’s the cobblestones!”

Three nuns are sitting on a bench in Central Park, New York City. All of a sudden, a man wearing a trench coat flashes all
three of them!

The first nun had a stroke! The second nun had a stroke!

The third nun couldn’t reach!

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a martini. He downs the martini, opens his suit coat, and looks in the pocket.
He orders another martini, finishes it, and looks in his pocket again. He orders another, downs it, and looks in his pocket
a third time.

The bartender has been watching the guy and his curiosity gets the best of him. He asks, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket
after each drink?”

The guy says, “I have a picture of my wife, and when she looks good I go home.”

How are martinis like a woman’s breasts?

One is not enough and three are too many.