The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (4 page)

“Oh yes, Maggie,” I said, “I’d love to kiss you. How could you tell?”

“From the twinkle in your eyes,” she said.

And we kissed! We kissed long and we kissed deep and we kissed passionately. And of all the kisses throughout history, it
had to be
the number one kiss of all time
!

As the mist rose, the moon shone, and the bagpipes droned in the distance, she pulled away slightly and looked at me with those
beautiful green eyes and said, “You’d like to bed me down now, wouldn’t ya?”

“Oh yes, Maggie I’d love to bed you down! You could tell that from the twinkle in my eyes?”

With a twinkle in her own eyes she said, “No, from the tilt in yer kilt!”

Why do Canadians like to have sex doggy style?

So they both can watch the hockey game.

Did you hear about the guy who divorced his

wife because she wouldn’t do it doggy style?

She refused to go out on the front lawn.

God wants to go on vacation, but he’s not sure where to go, so he asks St. Peter for some suggestions. St. Peter says, “Mercury.
Why don’t you go to Mercury for your vacation?”

“No,” answers God. “I’m not going to Mercury. I was there two million years ago and I got the worst sunburn ever. I couldn’t
move for a week, no amount of lotions or creams helped. No, it’s too hot there and I’ll never go back.”

“Pluto,” responds St. Peter, eager to please. “Why don’t you go to Pluto?”

“Forget it!” retorts God. “I went to Pluto one million years ago and got frostbitten so bad I almost lost my toes! No, it’s
too cold there, I’ll never go back.”

“I’ve got it!” St. Peter exclaims. “Earth, why don’t you go to Earth for your vacation?”

“What are you, nuts?” God fumes. “I was there two thousand years ago and they’re still giving me shit for knocking up that
Jewish chick!”

Did you hear about the four-passenger airplane

that crashed in a Polish cemetery?

So far they have recovered three

hundred bodies.

An old guy walks into St. Patrick’s Cathedral and stands in line for confession. Finally it is his turn and he enters the
confessional and sits down. The priest asks, “How can I help you, my son?”

The guy says, “I just had sex with two beautiful eighteen-year-old twin girls!”

“When was the last time you were in church to confess your sins?” asked the priest.

“Well,” says the guy, “I’ve never been to church. In fact, I’m Jewish.”

“Then why are you telling me this?” asks the priest.

“Are you kidding me?” yells the guy. “I’m telling everybody!”

Three dogs, two mutts and a German shepherd, are at the ASPCA. The first mutt asks the second mutt, “What are you doing here?”

“Well,” replies the second mutt, “I got a little antsy one day, so I dug a hole under the fence and ran around the neighborhood.
It was a beautiful day and I was having fun when I caught a scent in the air, so I followed it. I ended up in the backyard
of a beautiful collie, a breeding collie, with papers no less. I couldn’t resist it, so I jumped over the fence and mounted
her. A few months later she has puppies, her owner says something to my owner, and he brings me here to have my nuts cut.”

“Oh,” says the first mutt.

The second mutt asks the first mutt, “What are you doing here?”

The first mutt says, “Well, I’m a horny kind of dog. My master comes home, I hump his leg. His wife comes home, I hump her
leg. The children come home, I’m humping their legs. Tables, chairs, anything with legs, I’m humping it. So my owner brought
me here to get my nuts cut.”

“Oh,” says the second mutt.

They both look at the German shepherd and in unison ask, “What are
you
doing here?”

The German shepherd says, “Well, my owner is a tall, unbelievably gorgeous blonde. She’s taking a shower one day and I happen
to be in the bathroom. She steps out of the shower, dripping wet. She bends over to pick up the towel, and I see a sight that
I cannot resist! So I mount her!”

“Oh, so you’re here to get your nuts cut too,” says one of the mutts.

“Hell, no!” snorts the German shepherd. “I’m here for a manicure!”

Why do dogs lick their balls?

Because they can.

or

Because they want to.

or

Because no one else will.

or

Because they can’t make a fist.

or

To get the taste of mailmen out of their mouth.

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Suck his dick.

Two golfers are on the sixteenth tee when, out of the clear blue, they are both hit by the same lightning bolt and die. They
arrive in heaven and are greeted by St. Peter, who looks through the Big Admittance Book and sees that no golfers are due
on that day and realizes that there has been a mistake.

“Look,” St. Peter says apologetically, “there has been a terrible mistake. You weren’t supposed to die yet, and to make it
up to you, I’m authorized to send you back to Earth as anything you want.”

One golfer jumps at the chance and says, “I want to go back as a lesbian!”

The other golfer says, “What the hell do you want to go back as a lesbian for?”

The golfer smiles and says, “Because, my friend, I’ll get all the pussy I want and I can hit from the red tees!”