The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (6 page)

An old man walks into a pizza parlor and tells the kid behind the counter, “I’d like a prune pizza.”

The kid says, “What?”

“Prunes,” the old man says. “Do you have any prunes?”

The kid says, “Yeah, we have prunes.”

“Then,” says the old man, “give me a prune pizza!”

The kid says, “Do you want that to go?”

The old man scowls and says, “Why else would I want it?!”

Did you hear about the guy who took Viagra,

but it got stuck in his throat?

He had a stiff neck all night.

A middle-aged couple get married and are in the honeymoon suite when the bride takes off her clothes and says to her new husband,
“Honey, I have to warn you. I have acute angina.”

The husband looks at her and says, “Your tits aren’t bad either!”

What’s the difference between ignorance

and indifference?

I don’t know and I don’t care!

A drunk tries to enter a bar, but the doorman stops him and says, very politely, “I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t come in without
a tie.”

He staggers back to his car and fumbles through the glove compartment. He finds thread, string, and duct tape. No tie. So he
lurches back to the trunk of the car and pulls out the jumper cables. He puts the cables around his neck and ties a nice Windsor
knot. He walks back to the bar and right up to the doorman.

The doorman looks at him and the jumper cables around his neck and says, “All right, you can come in, but don’t start anything!”

What’s the difference between a drunk and

an alcoholic?

We don’t have to go to those dopey meetings!

A drunk walks into a bar. He receives five stitches.

Mrs. O’Reilly comes home from the doctor’s office and tells her husband, “Paddy, the doctor says that I’m pregnant.”

Paddy says, “That can’t be! We’ve been very careful!”

She says, “I know, Paddy, but to be sure, he wants me to come back tomorrow with a sample.”

“Well,” says Paddy, “what’s a sample?”

“I don’t know what a sample is,” she says. “I didn’t want the doctor to think I was dumb, so I didn’t ask him.”

Paddy says, “Go ask Mrs. O’Brian what a sample is, she has twelve kids, she might know.”

So Mrs. O’Reilly goes down the street to Mrs. O’Brian’s house. A half hour later she comes back with a black eye, missing teeth,
and her clothes torn and ripped. Paddy sees her and says, “What the hell happened?”

“Well, Paddy,” she says. “I went to Mrs. O’Brian’s house like you said and I asked her what a sample was and she told me to
piss in a cup and I told her to shit in her handbag and the fight was on!”

Three debutantes are in a car driving around in the South. They pass a beautiful horse farm with beautiful green pastures,
beautiful white fences, and beautiful white stables with beautiful horses. The debutante in the backseat says, “My daddy bought
me this beautiful horse farm for graduating high school!”

The debutante in the passenger seat says, “Oooooooh!”

The debutante that’s driving says, “That’s nice.”

After a while, they pass a beautiful golf course, hotel, and casino. The debutante in the passenger seat says, “My daddy bought
me this beautiful golf course, hotel, and casino for graduating high school!”

The debutante in the backseat says, “Ooooooh!”

The debutante that’s driving says, “That’s nice.”

The debutante in the backseat asks the debutante that’s driving, “What did your daddy buy you for graduating high school?”

The debutante that’s driving says, “My daddy is of limited means and all he gave me was advice.”

The debutante in the front seat asks the debutante
driving, “What was the advice your daddy gave you for graduating high school?”

The debutante that’s driving says, “My daddy always told me to say ‘That’s nice’ instead of saying ‘Go fuck yourself!’”

What’s the difference between a blonde

and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.