The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (8 page)

John Wayne rides into town with the cavalry. He rides right up to the first house of ill repute he finds. He gets off his horse
and knocks on the door.

The madam of the house opens the door and says, “How can I help you?”

John Wayne says, “Well, how much would you charge for my company?”

“Ooooh,” says the madam, looking John Wayne up and down with a big grin. “Ten dollars,” she says.

John Wayne turns, raises his arm, and yells, “
Company hooooo
!”

Roy Rogers is down by the creek fishing when the cavalry rides up. The sergeant of the cavalry says, “Roy,
Roy, the Indians burned down your ranch!”

Roy throws down his fishing pole angrily and starts running toward the ranch.

“Wait, Roy,” says the sergeant. “Come back, there’s more!” Roy comes back and the sergeant says, “They raped Dale!”

Infuriated, Roy turns and starts running toward the ranch.

“Wait, Roy, come back, there’s more,” the sergeant says. Roy comes back and the sergeant says, “They stole Trigger too!”

Now Roy is really pissed off, and he heads toward the ranch.

The sergeant says, “Roy, wait!”

Roy Rogers comes back and with hatred in his eyes yells, “What!”

The sergeant says, “How ’bout a song before you go?”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding along the prairie, making sure the land is safe from the bad guys. They stop for a moment
and Tonto gets down off his horse, puts his ear to the ground, and says, “Buffalo come.”

The Lone Ranger, still on his horse, looks around the prairie and says, “Tonto, how can you tell?”

Tonto replies, “Ear sticky.”

After patrolling the plains, the Lone Ranger and Tonto gallop back to town. They stop in front of the first saloon they come
to and get off their horses.

“Tonto,” says the Lone Ranger, “the horses are hot. I want you to run around the horses as fast as you can. The wind from your
running will cool them off. I’ll be in the saloon having a drink.”

Being ever so faithful, Tonto runs around the horses.

After a half hour, a guy steps into the saloon and says, “Hey, who owns the white stallion out front?”

The Lone Ranger says, “I do, why?”

The guy says, “You left your Injun running!”

A Native American is accepted to M.I.T. and after four long years of hard work he graduates with honors, top of his class.

He goes back to the reservation and says to his father, “Father, for years you have sacrificed everything to send me to an
expensive American school. Now I am back and I would like to repay you for all that you have done. Please, Father, is there
anything I can do for you?”

His father, being very old, says, “Help me up.” The son helps his father up. The father says, “Come.”

They walk very slowly to the outhouse, fifty yards away. When they reach the outhouse, the father says, “I am old and cannot
see very well. Put light in outhouse.”

“Father,” says the son, “after all the schooling and all the knowledge I have learned, I can move you out of the reservation
and you can live in comfort and luxury for the remainder of your life and all you want me to do is put a light in the outhouse?”

“Yes,” says the father, “that is all I want. That is all I need. Put light in outhouse.”

So the son builds a generator, runs a line to the
outhouse, hooks up a socket, and screws in a light-bulb.

And so the son becomes the first Native American to wire a head for a reservation.

A guy runs into a psychiatrist’s office and says, “Doc, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m
a wigwam!”

The psychiatrist says, “Relax, you’re two tents!”

A young, naive Native American girl wonders why the men wear feathers. She sees a young brave with one feather and asks what
the feather means.

“One feather, one squaw,” says the brave.

She walks along and sees another brave with two feathers and asks what they mean.

“Two feathers, two squaws,” says the brave.

After a while, she sees the chief with a full headdress of feathers, from the top of his head all the way to the ground. “Chief,
what do all those feathers mean?” she asks.

“I have many squaws,” the chief says, “Squaws in the mountains, squaws across the great sea, squaws in the plains and desert.”

“Oh, dear!” exclaims the girl.

“No,” says the chief, “ass too high, run too fast!”

Why were Native Americans the first ones

in this country?

They had reservations.

A prospector has been up in the mountains panning for gold for two years when he finally finds a small amount of gold dust. He
puts the gold dust into a pouch, cleans himself up a little, and heads into town.

He stops at the nearest saloon—which is the only saloon in town—walks up to the bar, dumps the gold dust on the bar, points
to it, and says, “Bartender, I want to get likkered up and I want me a woman!”

The bartender says, “Well, I can get you all the liquor you want, but I can’t get you no woman, they all left town a couple
of years ago. But we do have Injun Joe behind that door.”

“Oh, no, no,” says the prospector, “I don’t go in for that kind of stuff!” So he drinks till the gold dust is gone and staggers
back up the mountain.