The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (27 page)

Do you know why the big bad wolf

got arrested?

One of the pigs squealed.

What does a snail say while riding on top

of a turtle?

“Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

A snail gets mugged by two turtles. The cops show up and asks him what happened. The snail says, “I don’t know, it happened so
fast!”

A pregnant wife and her husband are in bed. She is reading, he is asleep. The wife wakes up her husband and says, “I want some
escargots.”

The husband says, “What?”

“Escargots!” she says. “You know, snails! I want some snails!”

The husband looks at her and pleads, “Ah, come on, honey, the refrigerator is full of food in case you get cravings—pickles,
ice cream, sweets, everything you like is in the kitchen. What’s up with the snails?”

“I want snails!” she screams. “Now!”

“All right, all right,” the husband says. “But where am I going to get snails this time of night?”

“There is a gourmet deli,” she says. “Six blocks from here, open all night.”

The husband gets out of bed, gets dressed, and goes to the deli. He buys a bag full of fresh snails and starts to walk back,
but on the way he passes
the local pub and sees his buddies in the window, waving for him to come in. He goes in and says he can only stay for one drink.

Well, you know guys, one drink leads to another, and the next thing you know it is 4
A
.
M
. The guy grabs the bag of snails and runs home.

At the top of the stairs to the apartment, he drops the bag and all the snails fall out and some roll down the stairs. At
that moment, the door opens and the wife yells, “Where the hell have you been?”

The guy looks at the snails in the hall and down the stairs, then looks at his wife, and with a gesture of his arm he says, “Come
on, let’s go, we’re almost there!”

An old woman is lonely and decides to buy a parrot. She goes down to the only pet store in town and as she walks in the door,
a parrot, in its cage near the entrance, says, “Hello.” She thinks that’s wonderful and buys the parrot.

That night, as she is getting undressed, the parrot says, “Nice legs!” She stops, turns, and looks at the parrot.

The parrot says, “Nice ass, too!”

The old woman walks up to the cage and says sternly, “What did you say?”

The parrot says, “Wanna fuck?”

The old woman is so incensed that she grabs the parrot by the throat, brings him into the kitchen, opens the freezer door,
throws him in the freezer, and closes the door. After twenty minutes, she opens the freezer door and pulls the parrot out
and says, “Have you learned your lesson?”

The parrot, with its whole body shivering and its beak full of frost, says, “Oh, yes, ma’am, I’ve learned my lesson very well
and I must apologize that I have offended you with my language and I ask for your forgiveness, but may I ask a question of
you?”

“Yes, you may,” says the old woman, softening a bit. “What is your question?”

“May I ask,” says the parrot, “what the turkey said to you?”

A man is flying first class from New York to Los Angeles and is lucky enough to be seated next to a beautiful woman. After
takeoff, the woman opens a book that catches the man’s eye. It is a manual about sexual statistics.

The man says, “Excuse me, but what is that book you are reading?”

“Oh,” says the woman, “it is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It states that Native Americans, on average, have
the longest penis and that, on average, Jewish men have the biggest in diameter.”

“That’s fascinating,” says the man. “What is your name?”

“My name is Heather,” says the woman. “What’s yours?”

“Schwartz, Tonto Schwartz,” says the man.

This is so old, Vaudeville was an infant!

A guy calls up the law firm of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. A voice on the other end says, “Thank you for calling
Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz, how can I help you?”

“I’d like to speak to Mr. Schwartz,” the guy says.

The voice says, “He’s in a meeting right now.”

“Well,” says the man, “Let me speak to Mr. Schwartz.”

“I’m sorry, he’s out to lunch,” says the voice.

“Then,” says the man, “Let me speak to Mr. Schwartz.”

“He is with a client, I’m sorry,” says the voice.

“Well, then,” says the man, “I’d like to speak to Mr. Schwartz.”

“Speaking,” says the voice.

What is fourteen inches long and hangs

in front of an asshole?

A lawyer’s tie.

What’s the difference between a

woman lawyer and a pit bull?

Lipstick.