The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (23 page)

The drunk coughs and says, “No!”

The minister dunks his head again for twenty seconds, pulls him up, and asks again, “Have you found Jesus?”

The drunk coughs a couple of times and says, “No!”

Undaunted, the minister dunks the drunk’s head in the water and holds him under for a whole minute. Finally, he pulls the drunk’s
head out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus!?”

The drunk coughs, sputters, spits out some water, and says, “No! Are you sure this is where he went under?”

Yeshiva University’s rowing team cannot, no matter how hard they try, win. In a word, they suck. So the university sends the
captain of the team to Harvard to scout their rowing team to learn and see what they are doing wrong. After three weeks, he
comes back and says to the coach, “I figured out what we were doing wrong!”

“Great!” says the coach. “What did you find out?”

“There are eight men rowing and only one man yelling!” says the captain.

Why does the Easter Bunny give away

Easter eggs?

He doesn’t want anyone to know he’s

fucking chickens.

A woman walks into a bank, goes up to the teller, and says, “I want to open a fucking savings account!”

The teller blinks and says, “Excuse me?”

“I said,” the woman says, “I want to open a fucking savings account!”

“You are very rude,” says the teller. “There is no need to use that kind of language.” With that, she goes and gets the bank
manager.

The bank manager comes back with the teller and asks the woman, “What seems to be the problem?”

“Look,” the woman says, “I just hit the lottery for ten million dollars and I just want to open up a fucking savings account!”

The manager looks at the teller and then at the woman and says, “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

$3.99 a minute.

Did you hear about the Alabama quarter? It’s two nickels and a dime, glued together.

Kentucky changed its state motto to…

Welcome to Kentucky: fifteen million people, ten

last names!

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everybody who can run, jump,

and swim is already in the U.S.

How can you tell when a Mexican woman

has been sucking cock?

She spits out feathers.

Hear about the Polish gang member who got in a rumble? He pulled out his razor, but couldn’t find anywhere to plug it in.

Why did God give women one more brain cell

than horses?

So they won’t shit during parades.

Why did God give men one more brain cell

than dogs?

So they won’t hump women’s legs

at cocktail parties.