The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (22 page)

After five hours of surgery, the doctor comes out to speak with the mother carrot.

“How is he? Will he live?” asks the mother carrot.

“He’ll live,” says the doctor, “but he’ll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

Two cannibals are deciding how to divide and eat a dead guy. The first cannibal says, “O.K., I’ve got it. I’ll start at the head
and work my way down. You start at the toes and work your way up, and we’ll meet in the middle at the belly button. That should
divide the food evenly and fairly.”

After a few minutes, the first cannibal asks the second cannibal, “How are you doing?”

The second cannibal says, “I’m having a ball!”

The first cannibal says, “Hey, slow down! You’re eating too fast!”

What did the cannibal get when he was

late for dinner?

The cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the cannibal that ordered a pizza with everybody on it?

How about the cannibal’s recipe book?
How to Serve Your Fellow Man
.

After the St. Patrick’s Day Parade, a drunk staggers down 5th Avenue, lurches into St. Patrick’s Cathedral and sways down
the aisle, bumping into pew after pew. Finally, he stumbles into the confessional. A priest, who has been watching him, figures
that he needs help and enters the other side of the confessional. “How may I help you, my son?” he asks.

Silence from the other side.

The priest asks again, “May I help you, my son?”

“Yeah,” comes the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”

Why is there a St. Paddy’s Day Parade?

So a half a million Jews can watch

the help go by.

What do you call a wandering nun?

A Roman Catholic.

The Last Supper. Jesus looks at his disciples and says, “Soon, one of you will betray me.”

All the disciples look at one another in shock. Paul asks, “Is it me, Jesus? Will I betray you?”

“No, Paul,” Jesus says. “It is not you.”

Matthew asks, “Is it me, Jesus? Will I betray you?”

“No, Matthew, it is not you,” Jesus answers.

John asks the same question. “Is it me, Jesus, will I betray you?”

“No, John,” Jesus says. “It is not you.”

All the rest of the disciples ask the same question, Judas being the last one. “Is it me, Jesus?” he asks.

In a mocking, high-pitched voice, Jesus answers, “
Is it me, Jesus, is it me, Jesus…
?”

Or how about this one…

Jesus and his disciples have just finished the Last Supper. The head waiter comes over and hands the bill to Jesus, who passes
it to the nearest disciple. The disciple in turn passes the bill to the one next to him, and this continues until it reaches
Judas.

Judas takes one look at the bill and says, “Shit! Where am I supposed to get thirty silver pieces?”

What happened to Jesus when he went

to Mount Olive?

Popeye beat the shit out of him.

A Southern Baptist minister finds out that the town drunk has never been baptized. He gathers the townspeople together, grabs
the drunk, and they all head to the river. There, the minister says a few words and dunks the head of the drunk into the water
for ten seconds. Pulling the drunk’s head out of the water, the minister asks, “Have you found Jesus?”