The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (17 page)

What do you call eighty white guys

chasing one black guy?

The PGA Tour.

Why do Sicilians hate Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Are you kidding, Sicilians hate all witnesses!

What do you call an Italian

who mixes cement with a fork?

A mortar-forker.

Two kids are in a hospital, in surgical gowns, sitting on their gurneys. “What are you here for?” asks the first kid.

“I’m here to get my tonsils removed,” says the second kid.

“Don’t worry,” the first kid says. “I had my tonsils removed last year and you get all the ice cream you want!”

The second kid asks the first kid, “What are you here for?”

“I’m here for a circumcision,” says the first kid.

“Oh my God,” says the second kid. “I had that done when I was born! I didn’t walk for a year!”

Do you know about the twins from Spain,

Juan and Emmal?

If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Emmal.

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are standing before a judge in divorce court. The judge says to Mickey, “I don’t understand.
You want to divorce Minnie because she is crazy?”

“No,” says Mickey, “I’m divorcing her because she’s fucking Goofy!”

A New Yorker is driving in Northern Ireland and pulls into a gas station. He waits a few minutes and no one comes out, so he
beeps his horn. The door opens a little and a guy sticks his head out.

“How about some gas?” says the New Yorker.

“I’m sorry, there is no gas,” says the Irish attendant.

“Well, how about some oil?” says the New Yorker.

“No oil either, sorry,” says the attendant.

“How about putting some water in the radiator?” says the New Yorker, slightly perturbed.

“Sorry, no water,” says the attendant.

Now the New Yorker is pissed. “No gas, no oil, no water, what the hell are you here for?!”

“Well, actually,” says the attendant in a low voice, “this is a front for the IRA.”

The New Yorker looks at the attendant with disdain and says sarcastically, “Then why don’t you blow up my tires!”

What do you call a smart pig in Ireland?

A cunning ham.

A nine-year-old boy is walking down the street when he hears a voice say, “Pssst, hey you!” He looks down and sees a frog
on the sidewalk.

The frog says, “Kiss me now and I’ll turn into a beautiful woman!” The boy picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket, and starts
walking.

The frog sticks his head out of the pocket and says, “Hey, didn’t you hear what I just said? I said, ‘Kiss me now and I’ll
turn into a beautiful woman’!” The boy just shoves the frog back in his pocket and keeps walking.

The frog sticks his head out of the pocket again and says, “Hey, are you deaf? I said, ‘KISS-ME-NOWAND-I’LL-TURN-INTO-A-BEAUTIFUL-WOMAN’!”

The boy looks at the frog, shoves it back in his pocket, and says, “I’d rather have a talking frog!”

My youngest son, Michael, told me the next two jokes. He likes to pop popcorn without putting the lid on.

A UPS truck pulls up to a house. The driver gets out, goes to the back of the truck and gets a pack-age, then walks to the front
door of the house and knocks on the door.

A nine-year-old boy opens the door. He has a bottle of beer in one hand and a cigar in the other.

The UPS driver looks at the boy.

The boy looks at the UPS driver.

The driver asks, “Is your mother home?”

The boy takes a swig from the bottle of beer, takes a drag from the cigar, flicks the ash on the floor, blows the smoke in
the driver’s face, and says, “What do you think!”

A priest is walking down a street when he sees a little boy jumping up, trying to ring a doorbell. The boy says, “Hey, Father,
can you help me out and ring the top doorbell?”

The priest rings the doorbell and asks, “Now what?”

“Run like hell!” says the boy.

Thanks, Mike, now put the book down and go to bed!

Albert Einstein has just finished cementing the sidewalk that leads to his front door and he goes inside. After a few minutes,
he hears some noise outside, goes to the window, and sees some kids playing in the fresh cement.

Furious, he runs out and starts screaming and yelling at the kids. His neighbor hears this and says, “Albert, I thought you
liked children!”

“I love children,” says Einstein, “but in the abstract, not in the concrete!”