The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (19 page)

Why did the blonde get fired from the

M&M’s factory?

She kept throwing out the W’s.

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So brunettes can remember them.

The bar is three deep, I’m in the weeds, and Jill, my partner at the time, strolls over to me as if we’re alone and tells
me this joke, yelling the punch line at the top of her lungs. Needless to say, no one got a drink for the next ten minutes,
we were laughing so hard!

Two nuns are driving down the road. They turn a corner and see a naked man standing in the middle of the road. The nun that’s
driving steps on the brakes and the car stops in front of the guy. She beeps the horn a little but the man doesn’t move. She
beeps a little longer and the guy still doesn’t move. She leans on the horn and the guy doesn’t even blink.

“What should I do?” she asks the nun in the passenger seat.

“Why don’t you show him your cross?” the other nun replies.

The nun rolls down her window, sticks her head out and yells angrily, “
Get the fuck out of the road
!”

A professor is conducting a study of the paranormal. He randomly sends out five thousand invitations for a seminar on paranormal
behavior, and out of the five thousand, he receives two thousand favorable responses.

He gets all the people into an assembly hall and asks, “How many of you here have seen a ghost?”

Surprisingly, most of the people raise their hands.

“How many of you here,” he continues, “have talked to a ghost?”

Only a few hands are raised.

“Has anyone here,” the professor asks, “had sex with a ghost?”

No hands are raised, except for one old man way in the back of the hall, who puts his hand up.

“You mean to tell me, sir,” asks the professor, “that you have actually had sex with a ghost?”

“
Ghost
?” says the old man. “Forget it, I thought you said, ‘Goat’!”

A recent Physical Education graduate accepts a job to start and coach a swim team for a small college. None of the students
are interested, so he puts a want ad in the local paper for swimming tryouts.

The next day, there is a knock on the coach’s office door. He opens it and sees a man with no arms standing there.

“Can I help you?” asks the coach.

“I’m here to try out for the swim team,” says the guy with no arms.

“I’m sorry,” the coach apologizes, “but I need able-bodied swimmers.”

“The ad says ‘equal opportunity,’ and I want a tryout!” demands the no-armed man.

To get it over with, the coach and the no-armed man head down to the Olympic-size swimming pool. The armless man jumps in and
starts swimming using a beautiful dolphin kick. The coach pulls out a stopwatch and sees that the man with no arms is beating
the times of bigger colleges in
the state! He immediately signs the no-armed man and tells him to send anyone else he might know who swims.

The next day, the coach gets a knock on his office door, and when he opens it a man in a wheel-chair, without legs, says, “I’m
here for a tryout.”

“I’m sorry—” the coach starts to say, but he is interrupted by the guy in the wheelchair. “My friend without arms told me
to come for a tryout, and I’m better than he is!”

The coach wheels him down to the pool and the legless man slides off his wheelchair and slips into the pool, where he does
a beautiful Australian crawl. The coach pulls out his stopwatch and sees that the guy with no legs is beating the time of the
guy with no arms! He signs him on too, and tells him to send any friends that swim.

The next day, the coach is down at the pool office when he hears a knock on the door and opens it. He sees no one. But just
as he is closing the door he hears a voice say, “Down here!” He looks down and sees a head. No body, just a head. “Can I help
you?” he asks.

“I’m here to try out for the swim team,” says the head.

“You’ve got to be kidding!” says the coach.

“Hey, my friend with no legs sent me, and I’m better than he is!” says the head.

“All right, all right,” says the coach as he picks up the head and goes to the edge of the pool. “Ready?” he asks the head.

“Ready,” says the head.

The coach drops the head in the water and it sinks to the bottom. He watches the head, but it doesn’t move, only bubbles from
it rise to the surface.

A minute goes by and the coach notices that the head is turning blue. Quickly he jumps in the water, grabs the bead, brings
it up, and places it on the side of the pool. “Are you all right?” he asks the coach. “What the hell happened?”

The head coughs, spits out water, and says, “What a hell of a time for a cramp!”

A grasshopper hops into a bar, looks around, and hops up on the bar counter. The bartender looks at the grasshopper and says, “There’s
a drink named after you.”

The grasshopper looks at the bartender and says. “There’s a drink named Fred?”

How do you make a dog drink?

Put it in a blender.

A wino is stumbling down the street with one foot on the sidewalk and the other in the gutter.
A cop pulls up and says to him, “I’m taking you in. You are obviously drunk.”

“Offisher, are ya absholutely sure I’m drunk?” asks the wino.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” says the cop. “Now let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino says, “Thank goodnesh, I thought I was crippled!”