The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (20 page)

Two old guys bump into each other on the street. The first old guy says, “How is everything?”

The second old guy says, “Everything is great. I just bought a new hearing aid. It’s high-tech, top-of-the-line, and very expensive.”

“What kind is it?” asks the first old guy.

“It’s four-thirty,” says the second guy, looking at his watch.

What do you call a woman who always knows

where her husband is?

A widow.

Why does a woman get her period once a month?

Because she deserves it.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

Put the TV remote control between his toes.

Why doesn’t psychotherapy work on men?

They don’t have to go back to their childhood.

A husband and wife are scuba diving and they get separated. The husband searches frantically until he runs out of air. He
calls the Coast Guard and they immediately begin searching for her.

Two days later, the Coast Guard calls the husband and the captain says, “We’ve found your wife, but there’s some good news
and some bad news.”

Bracing himself, the husband asks, “What’s the bad news?”

“She’s dead,” says the captain. “What the hell is the good news?” cries the husband.

“Well,” says the captain, “When we pulled her out of the water, she had three good-sized lobsters and seven crabs attached
to her gear.”

“What’s so good about that?” demands the husband.

“We are going to bring her up again tomorrow!” says the captain.

A male crab and a female lobster are dating, but they are hiding it from their parents because of the obvious reasons. Eventually
the lobster gets tired of all the secrecy and she tells her father, who is furious and forbids her to see the crab again.

“But why can’t I see the crab again? We’re in love!” the lobster cries.

“Because,” says the father, trying to search for a plausible answer, “crabs walk sideways and we walk straight!”

“Please, Father,” she begs. “Just meet him once and I’m sure you will change your mind.”

The father finally agrees to meet the crab and she runs out to tell him the good news.

The crab is so excited that he practices walking straight. He practices and practices and practices until, finally, he can
walk straight. He walks all the way to the lobster’s house as straight as he can.

The father sees him coming and yells to his daughter, “Hey, here comes that crab and he’s drunk!”

What do you call a fish with no eye?

Fsh.

Remember when you were a kid and you

used to blow bubbles?

I saw him yesterday and he says hello.

If you are having sex with two women and one

more woman walks in, what do you have?

Divorce proceedings.

A stockbroker is busted for inside trading, convicted, and sent to prison. As he gets to his cell, his worst fear is there to
greet him. His cellmate, a six-foot-five, three-hundred-pound black man, says, “You want to be the husband or do you want to
be the wife?”

The stockbroker weighs the options. He figures it is better to give than to receive so he says, “I’ll be the husband.”

The six-foot-five, three-hundred-pound sweaty black man says, “Then why don’t you be a good husband and suck your wife’s dick!”

In Maine, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia, it’s a misdemeanor.