The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (18 page)

Three kids are at the Bronx Zoo, fighting. A security guard comes over and breaks it up. He asks the first kid, “What’s going
on here?”

The first kid says, “I was just trying to feed peanuts to the elephant.”

The guard asks the second kid, “What were you doing?”

“I was trying to feed peanuts to the elephant, too,” says the second kid.

“How about you?” the guard asks the third kid. “What were you doing?”

“Nothing,” cries the third kid. “I’m Peanuts!”

A priest is walking down the street when he sees a boy smoking a cigarette. He says, “My son, you are too young to smoke. How
old are you?”

The boy says, “Six.”

The priest says, “Six? When did you start smoking?”

The boy says, “Right after the first time I got laid.”

Astounded, the priest says, “Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?”

“I don’t remember,” says the boy. “I was drunk.”

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel attached to his dick. The bartender says, “What the hell is that?!”

The pirate says, “Arrrrr. It’s a ship’s wheel, and it’s driving me nuts!”

Do you know the pirate alphabet?

A-A rrrr, B-A rrrr, C-A rrrr…

How about a pirate eye chart?

R

RR

RRR

RRRR

Do you know why pirates like corn on the cob?

Because it’s under a buccanneer.

Did you know that Cuba changed its

national anthem?

Now it’s “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

Two fish are in a tank. One fish says, “How do you drive this thing?”

A woman in a tight business suit is waiting for a bus. The bus arrives and she can’t lift her leg to get on because her skirt
is too tight. She reaches around to unzip it but it is still too tight so she reaches around and tries to unzip it some more.

All of a sudden, the guy behind her picks her up and puts her on the bus.

“How dare you!” she screams to the guy. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Well,” says the guy, “after you unzipped my fly, I thought we’re pretty good friends by now!”

What did the blonde get on her SATs?

Nail polish.

Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?

To see what’s on the other side.

If the mating call for a blonde is “I’m so drunk,”

what is the mating call for an ugly blonde?

“I said, I’m drunk
!
”

What job function does a blonde have

in an M&M’s factory?

Proofreading.