The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (10 page)

Did you hear about the Polish kidnappers?

They sent the kid home with the ransom note.

The parents must have been Polish too, because

they sent the kid back with the money.

An old woman is feeling poorly, so her husband takes her to the doctor for a checkup. The old man
waits in the waiting room while the old lady and the doctor go into the examining room.

After a complete exam, the doctor brings the old woman into his office to ask her a few questions. “How are you sleeping?” he
asks.

“I get eight hours of sleep,” says the woman, “and sometimes I wake up to go to the bathroom, but I have no problem falling
back asleep. Occasionally I take an afternoon nap for an hour, but all in all, I sleep just fine.”

“How is your diet?” asks the doctor.

“I have three well-balanced meals a day,” says the woman. “Sometimes I have a light snack between lunch and dinner, but I eat
very well.”

“Do you still have intercourse?” asks the doctor.

“What?” replies the woman.

“Intercourse,” says the doctor. “Do you still have intercourse?”

The old woman gets up out of her chair and opens the door to the waiting room and asks her husband, “Honey, do we have intercourse?”

The old man looks at her and says, “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, it’s Blue Cross Blue Shield!”

A husband and wife are driving down the interstate when they are pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper says to the husband, “I
clocked you doing 90 mph in a 55 mph zone.”

“That can’t be,” says the husband. “I always obey the speed limit.”

“No you don’t,” says the wife. “You always speed no matter what the speed limit is!”

“Shut up, you bitch!” yells the husband to his wife.

The trooper says, “I see you are not wearing your seat belt.”

“It must have slipped my mind,” says the husband. “I always wear my seat belt.”

“No you don’t,” says the wife. “You never put your seat belt on!”

“Shut up you bitch!” yells the husband to his wife.

“All right,” says the trooper, “let me see your license and registration.”

The husband fumbles through his pockets and says, “I must have left my license in my other jacket at home.”

“You never carry your license,” says the wife. “It’s on your bureau in the bedroom!”

“Will you shut the fuck up, you fucking bitch!” yells the husband.

“Step out of the car, sir,” says the trooper, and as the husband gets out to the car, the trooper leans in and asks the wife, “Does
your husband always talk to you like that?”

“Oh, no,” says the wife with a smile, “only when he’s drunk!”

Do you know what the side effect of Viagra is?

Your wife’s headaches come back.

Two sons want to do something different for their father’s ninetieth birthday, so they hire a call girl. She shows up at the
house and the sons tell her to go up the stairs to the bedroom where the father is.

She opens the bedroom door and sees the old man sitting on the side of his bed, and she says with enthusiasm, “I’m here to
give you super sex!”

The old man looks at her and says, “I’ll take the soup.”

After a physical, a doctor tells an old man, “You have Alzheimer’s disease.”

The old man says, “What should I do?”

“Go home and forget about it,” says the doctor.

How many men does it take to change

a roll of toilet paper?

No one knows. It’s never been done.

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

Because they’re ugly and they smell bad.

A Muslim dies and goes to heaven. He gets to the Pearly Gates and sees God standing there. He says to God, “I want to see Allah!”

“Allah is busy right now,” says God.

“I want to see Allah
now
!” demands the Muslim.

God gets on the intercom and says, “Hey, Allah, when you’re finished with the garbage, someone wants to see you!”

What’s the difference between an Israeli

and an Israelite?

Thirty percent less fat!

A guy is walking down the street when he passes a bar with a sign in the window that says, “1920 Prices.” His curiosity gets
the best of him and he goes inside.

The bartender says, “Hi, what can I get you?”