The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (11 page)

The guy asks, “How much is a beer?”

“Two cents,” says the bartender.

“I’ll have a beer,” says the guy, smiling.

The bartender gives the guy a beer and the guy
gives the bartender a nickel and tells him to keep the change. Then he asks the bartender, “How much is a shot of whiskey?”

The bartender says, “Six cents.”

The guy orders the whiskey, gives the bartender a dime, and tells him to keep the change.

As the guy is drinking his beer and sipping his whiskey, thinking about all the money he is saving, he notices two Hasidic
Jews sitting at a table not drinking anything, just sitting there. He calls the bartender over and asks, “What’s up with the
two Jews?”

The bartender says, “Don’t worry about them, they’re just waiting for happy hour.

Why do all Hasidic Jews dress the same?

Only one of them is carrying the diamonds.

Do you know what the first Jewish settlement

in New York City was?

Ten cents on the dollar.

A boy asks his father, “Dad, can you get pregnant

from anal sex?”

The father says, “How do you think

lawyers are born!”

How is Viagra like Disney World?

There is an hour wait for a two-minute ride.

A husband comes home early from work. His wife is nowhere to be found, so he goes upstairs to the bedroom and sees her packing
a suitcase. “What are you doing?” he asks.

“I’m going to Las Vegas,” she says.

“Why are you going to Las Vegas?” he asks.

“I found out that I can get two hundred dollars for a blow job,” she says.

The husband goes to the closet, pulls out his suitcase, and starts packing. “Where are you going?” asks the wife.

“I’m going to Las Vegas with you,” replies the husband.

“What for?” asks the wife.

The husband says, “I want to see how long you can live on six hundred dollars a year.”

What is every blonde’s ambition in life?

To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

In New Hampshire, the nor’easter is so strong, it completely destroys the widow Taylor’s outhouse. The following spring, she
hires Sam the carpenter to build her a new one. He works day and night and, finally, at week’s end, the outhouse is finished.
He tells her he’ll come back in a few days to collect payment.

Three days later Sam the carpenter knocks on the widow Taylor’s door. “Hello, widow Taylor, I’m here for payment for the outhouse.”

“Nope, ain’t goin’ to pay ya,” she says.

“Is anything wrong, widow Taylor?” asks Sam.

“Ain’t goin’ to pay ya,” she replies.

Sam the carpenter figures that something is wrong with the outhouse, so he goes out back, with the widow Taylor following
behind, to check it out. He looks at the outhouse—an all-pine frame,
shingled roof, and a half-moon on the door. “I don’t see anything wrong, widow Taylor,” he says.

“Ain’t goin’ to pay ya,” the widow Taylor says.

Shaking his head, Sam opens the door of the outhouse to look inside—all cedar, with two cushions on either side of the toilet,
a magazine rack, and a nice reading lamp, plus a small cabinet to hold toilet paper and cleaning stuff. Sam asks, “Anything
wrong in here, widow Taylor?”

“Ain’t goin’ to pay ya,” she repeats.

Sam figures the only place left to look is in the toilet itself. He opens the lid of the toilet and sticks his head in to
check it out.

Now, for those of you who don’t know Sam the carpenter, he is a big, burly man with a completely bald head and a big bushy
beard, and it is quite a sight to see him bent over with his head inside an outhouse toilet.

With his head in the toilet, Sam can’t find anything wrong, but as he pulls his head out, one of the whiskers of his beard
catches in a very small—invisible to the naked eye—crack in the seat, pulling the hair out. “
Owww
!” he yells.

The widow Taylor folds her arms, looks at Sam, and says, “Hurts, don’t it?”

A man has a pit bull that is always biting everyone. After the latest incident, a cop suggests to the guy to get the dog’s
nuts cut and then he will be
very docile and won’t bite anyone. The man agrees and takes the dog to the veterinarian.

On the way, the dog gets loose and starts to attack a bum. The owner grabs the dog just as it is about to bite the bum. With
his dog in control the guy says, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m on my way to the vet to get his nuts cut so he won’t bite anyone
anymore. I’m sorry!”

The bum looks at him and says, “Hell, don’t cut his nuts off, pull out his teeth! I could see from a block away he wasn’t going
to fuck me!”

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.